My body- my choice = woe to others

My mother- an ally who has been a champion on my side when it comes to protecting me against the European side of my family.
Society makes many movies making jokes about how hard core some Europeans are on some values. But it’s no real joke to some. Some, not all of course- but some are just too much.

Back to me- my mother who has champion for me especially on the no marriage - no kids thing. Is showing signs of depression. And here’s the kicker- she thinks the way to cure herself from hating her husband and having “nothing to live for” is for me to grow a family. But she will never tell me to- or blame me to. So she has “given up” on life- saying there’s nothing left for her to live for. I can see how she struggles to hide it from me. But when I come over- and this happened twice- I usually come over without being announced… she’s my mom after all? And I catch her by accident telling her sister over the phone how she would of wanted to have been a grand mother. Then when she notices me - she changed subject- Pretend she doesn’t know when I ask her- and when she becomes a recluse and super sad all the time- she says : At my age we get more sensitive thats all. We are less emotionally strong. Its going to pass.

Endometriosis + inverted uterus + fibroids. I don’t have to elaborate how hard it would be for me to get knocked up. But when my doctor told me this- I thought of my mother who had 7 miscarriages before having me. It would not be impossible to get pregnant just really hard and I thought of how well is it really worth it? Maybe for others- but I didnt feel it. I can adopt right? No need to have another- but even then its not appealing. Simply because I just don’t have the feeling of needing/wanting a child. Which honestly I think is important when you start the process. So no kids. I won’t be changing my mind- not after saying this for 8 years. I have broken up with boyfriends- because I wont change my mind. Thats me.’
But what I can’t stand is the fact that she placed all her cards on the idea she would be a grand mother someday- and we hang out- have fun - all that jazz and laugh but you can see this is a major loss for her. I know I’m not responsible for her cards like that… And every time I try to talk about it she brushes me off.
For someone whose obsessively always trying to find a solution for everyone and everything- this adds to my anxiety. Yet another problem I don’t have the answer for.
Another life I destroyed without meaning it… I don’t know I guess


I know this is under journal so you may not need or want a response, but that last line broke my heart at the weight you’re placing unfairly on yourself. You have not destroyed any life by choosing to be childfree. It is a valid choice, and it’s your choice.

You should not have kids because you want them to live out your dreams for you. They are their own persons, and get to make their own choices. It’s an unfair burden to place on them to fulfil your dreams. Similarly, her wish for a grandkid does not mean you have to give yourself 18+ years of responsibility you are unwilling to engage in. It’s better to not have kids than have kids and view them with negative emotions. Also she was talking to her sister, there may be a lot more to that conversation that you are unaware of, a broader context where it doesn’t mean she actually wants grandkids, but more of an expression of older age musings. Similar to saying “i wish i had bought that trinket when i went on vacation”. You don’t really want it, it’s not important to you, but it’s a thing you somewhat remembered and sort of wish you had to look at. Hope you don’t beat yourself up on it, it may not be as serious a wish as you interpreted it to be!

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