My boyfriend is about to break up with me

I know this sounds crazy, but I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I have been struggling with depression for 5 years, but that all went away when I first met him. A year into the relationship, he changed and stopped acting as in love with me as he had in the past, which is pretty typical for a relationship; we were settling down. I didn’t really like that he wasn’t so crazy for me as he had been the past year, so I broke up with him and hooked up with my ex. I know. I am crazy. The next day, I asked my boyfriend to get back together with me, and he agreed. I told him everything that happened with me an my ex, and he forgave me. It kept happening though, I kept cheating. Only with my ex boyfriend. It got really bad, but it ended after about six months. My boyfriend knew I was cheating on him the whole time too, but they were both treating me the way I wanted to be treated and it became an addiction. I couldn’t stop myself. It stopped and a few months later, my boyfriend moved away for college and he was 2 hours away from me and my ex. I was not talking to my ex at the time, but we live in the same town. We had worked everything out and my boyfriend and i were doing great during the first month of long distance. He was so kind and sweet to take me back and I was very thankful for such a loving man. I did not deserve that. Around September, we started having issues. We fought a lot and when he came home for a weekend, it was obvious we were struggling. He broke up with me, and 3 weeks later I told him a lie that I will regret to this day. I told him i was pregnant, so that he would stay. So we made it through the entire school year, while I was coming up with lie, after lie, after lie, to keep him around. In May, he came home and it seemed like both of us were having an amazing time together. The lies had stopped, he was home, and life seemed good. 3 days before my birthday (in middle of July), he was with a friend on vacation. He got drunk and told me he wanted to break up and that he had not been happy for a year. I have been devastated ever since. In two days, I am leaving to follow him to college, where I am sure there is an impending breakup coming soon. Right now, we are on a “break,” but I know he will be breaking up with me for good very soon. He says that he wants to be single and is over this relationship. Please somebody help me on what to do next. I will do anything to get him to stay, I love him, even though I have messed up time and time again. I do not want our relationship to be toxic anymore.

Hi there,

In life I learned that things happen for a reason whether its good or bad.

In a relationship if bad has happened and you tried fo work through it & it’s not working…it’s time for it to go. I understand you’ve made mistakes, but there’s another man out there for you. It sucks, but there is. It’s time to go apart because the universe wants you two too.

I think you two need to have a serious coversation and talk it all out. In the end, if you guys don’t work it out you guys can always become friends. Or, at least go separate ways and try to be single since you guys have been toxic for awhile.

You guys need to breathe separate air for awhile.

I’m here for encouragement. You will get through this. Of course it sucks. Going through a rough patch in a relationship is difficult. If it’s meant to be it will find a way. But, if it’s been this toxic for awhile maybe the world has been trying to pull you apart. Stop forcing and try going with the flow. Try new things and explore whether it’s with or without him sister. We are independent women. If you’re upset family and friends are great support systems. Don’t forget you’re never alone.

Hey Ald,

I wish the right answer was for you to convince him to stay…which I know is what you are hoping for to…the right words, the right actions, the right combination of whatever it takes to get him to stay…

But what’s interesting is that more than actually wanting HIM to stay, you are really just afraid to be alone. You are terrified of it, and you’ll do anything to have that feeling of someone caring about you…including lie to them about being pregnant, including cheat with someone else in order to feel that feeling, including try to come up with a game plan to do “whatever it takes” to get him to stay even when he doesn’t want to – not because you care about him (not that you don’t) but the primary motivation is because YOU want the feeling of someone being around and caring for you.

And friend, this is TOOOOOOOOTALLY normal. Holy cow, so normal. We all want to be loved. That’s the central bit of our journey in life – to be loved. It is not crazy. You are not crazy. – What you are doing will not fill that void though. Convincing someone to stay who wants to go just so you don’t have to face the gaping hole you feel in your heart…that’s not the way to live…that’s not the way to be in a relationship…that hole is part human and part wounds from your past – points in your life when you were abandoned by those you love, where you were neglected when you needed someone to love you, where you were rejected when you needed to be embraced…there are moments in your past that have imprinted this fear into your heart, and that fear is rising up again in you…you’re terrrriifffiiiieeedddd of being alone. Not heartbroken over this guy…it’s that fear of being unloved and unwanted and unnoticed that’s rising up and scrambling to do whatever it takes to NOT feel that again. I get it. I do it too.

The more effective question isn’t: how do I convince him to stay?
Rather, it’s: how do I heal my heart so that I’m not afraid of him leaving?

This fear will keep you in unhealthy relationships, doing unhealthy things, searching for love in the wrong places, and getting more hurt in the end. You must, you must must must recover your heart. It is worth it. YOU are worth it. You are more loved than you know – RIGHT NOW! But you’ll never feel it because you believe the fear is the truth.

Would you be willing to go on a journey to win your heart back instead of winning your boyfriend back?