My Brain Gave Up

I have fallen down. For the last few weeks, I had so much pain. I cried everyday. Also my suicidal thoughts are back. I worked so hard to feel happy… and all of it was for nothing. My brain needed a rest after the long fight. But some unfortunate events happened. I had mental breakdowns for last few days. I was so tired from fighting and I have to fight again now. This time depression hit me at the worst possible time. The trust I had to people, is broken… I don’t have too many people to trust once again. I know I didn’t deserved this. But I can’t get over this. It was making me angry but im tired to be angry either. My brain is giving up. I still haven’t gave up but I don’t think I can continue like this. I don’t want to suicide. I want to fight until the end. But I know I will lose it. I know end is soon. I started to get worse. And I get worse day by day, even if I try to get rest every day. Im so tired to fight. I wish I could sleep forever. Actually why do I even live for? Most of my friends left me. I just play computer games every day. School is over for this year at least. But even if I try to focus on my mental health, it doesn’t work anymore. Heartsupport doesn’t feel like a safe place anymore after what happened. Maybe people don’t care after all since they deleted it once. But still I have nowhere to type either. Maybe I should just let it go. Maybe I should just die. I know I don’t deserve all of this. But damage is already done to me. Im sorry everyone who supported me. But I don’t know how long I can continue. If I die, just know that… I tried.

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Hey E_Man,

I’m so very sorry that you’re struggling this much and that things haven’t improved for you so far. You can always come here to the wall. You are always welcome here and can post as much as needed. I don’t know what happened. From my own experience with people in general is that, sometimes, the connection is not meant to be and not beneficial on both ends. I think this is an inherent part of life, simply because people are different. They have different backgrounds and stories both of which strongly impact their present-day behavior.

I can relate to this a lot and I know from own experience that it might seem impossible to trust anyone ever again after so hurtful and damaging experiences. It is a great step, and one to be proud of, that you’ve done here by reaching out.

I’m glad that school is over for this year but this, of course, comes with a lot of time to ruminate. What are you currently doing for your mental health? Are there any actions in particular that you are taking to work on it? If you want to answer, whatever your answer might be, there is no judgement. My questions are only there to understand what is going on in your life right now.

You mentioned in earlier posts that you’re seeing a doctor. Is this still happening? Also, there were discussions on going to inpatient treatment if I remember correctly. Are there any updates on this that you would like to share with us?

E_Man, your life is without any doubt worth fighting for. I totally understand though that there are times in our lives when this is impossible to see. Then it is important to have people by your side who remind you of this. While it is up to you to believe them, I’d invite you to give it a try and trust me when I say that you are worthy and that you deserve to be supported and taken care of.

Take enough time to rest and be as self-compassionate as possible. Try to talk to yourself as if you spoke to a loved one. We’re here for you and we care about you. Hold fast.

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Normally i was going really good. But then some stuff happened and i just completely collapsed.

Also yes I am still seeing my doctor every 3 weeks since I didn’t felt that bad. But if I say this stuff to him he will want to see me more. I don’t want to accept the fact that I am getting to worse.

And also for now no I am not going to a mental hospital. For now at least. IDK what will he do if I try to suicide.

Also I can’t give it another try. Im just so tired. I already have a suicide plan. It will just take 3 days to prepare. But if I try to heal, it will take weeks maybe months again, or maybe even a year. I am tired and I have no energy to do anything.

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He will want to see you more often so that he can help you in a better way. There won’t be any judgement and there is no reason to be ashamed for asking for help and needing support when we’re going through rough times. In our society, there’s still so much stigma around getting help when we’re struggling with our mental health, but when we need crutches after breaking a leg, people are understanding. It’s just that damages to our psyche aren’t visible, which, however, does NOT mean it wouldn’t be worth treating. It is. That’s why there are - still not enough but - many mental health care providers. Be honest with your doctor. It’s a chance to get better that you have right there.

Emotional suffering is very draining, so it totally makes sense that you’re so tired. I understand from own experience how tempting it is to have such a plan at hand and it also seems to be an easy way out, whereas the truth is, it isn’t. Healing emotional wounds is a process and seeing your doctor won’t change everything from one day to another. However, it will become increasingly bearable and once you start observing the change you’ll find more and more courage to keep going.

Don’t give up fighting, but make sure you rest enough. Sending you big hugs.

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