Hello I am Wapiti and I need to let some of my story out.
I’ve had depression since I was 13, it’s mostly because of a series of traumas and abandonement which I’m working trough with my psycologist and oh boy is it great having someone to help you realise things.
I’ve been suicidal since I was 18.
When I was 19 I met this girl, she was wonderful and she was the answer to all my mental problems or so I thought.
She had depression and anxiety and all the things I had we had in common. ( she was 16 at the time )
We started dating it was the best time of my life, I’ve never been truly so happy she truly was the answer at the time, we live a wonderful life what can I say? 2 years later she turns 18, she moves in with me it’s all great, we get engaged life couldnt be better.
At the time I have a job where I work 10-16 hours a day 6 days a week, at that job I’ve had several mental breakdowns and a burnout, I quit over 2 years ago.
We live a nice couple life hugs, kisses, healthy amounts of sex, emotional connection, no fights, we truly did love each other.
5 months ago I leave for TwitchCon Europe, this is something I had to do for myself and we couldn’t both go as we didn’t have the money to, I spend 4 days in Berlin meet up with some of the nicest people I’ve met, people that watch me and people that I watch it was trully eye opening.
During that time we don’t really talk, I’m busy bee and we don’t keep contact 24/24 that’s totally normal to me.
How ever during that time she was with another man, she met him she fell in love, I didn’t know I was loosing her while I was having the time of my life.
I come home she’s not there, I didn’t take my keys so I had to wait outside for hours until she showed up, she looked bad REAL bad, I asked what’s wrong, we sat down and she told me how she fell in love with another guy and slept at his moms place with him.
First thing I tell her is that it’s ok. Everybody makes mistakes. I can forgive. We can work this out.
She wanted to hear none of that it was like talking to a wall, a wall I couldn’t breach. (she also has Dissociative identity disorder so confrontation makes her switch and deny)
She says all the things anyone could say, "I never loved you, I don’t love you anymore, people change, you deserve better, etc "
She says he’s the perfect guy for her since he’s a psycopath and she says so is she.
I said FINE I deserve better get the fuck out.
She grabs a bag and a few things and leaves, as she closes the door I rip it back open and scream “Sam” she looks back at me, I pull out the biggest middle finger I’ve ever given, at the time nothing felt better.
First thing is first I grab a bottle and start drinking, my brothers show up for support (they are amazing).
I cry a lot, get really drunk and pass out.
I wake up, try to talk to her get her to reason with me. ( it was already to late but who wouldn’t try? )
Weeks pass so slow, I couldn’t eat for over a month, the pain was surreal, the pain as she was slowly moving out.
I thought I had lost everything, the only reason I had to live.
The suicidal thoughts we’re back stronger then ever, the self harm started to become an addiction.
2 months in I’m eating again, but senseless partying, spending all my money buying drinks for myself and for people, I keep telling myself if I empty my account I can finally do it.
Insomnia is strong, I’d go 3 days without sleep, my body in constant surival mode, I try do to the right things thou, work, go to the gym, start new habits and hobbies.
My self harm would consist of cuts and punching walls, this is where I’m hitting rock bottom, it’s been 3 days since I had a minute of sleep, I’ve been out partying for 12 hours and worked 12 hours before that, a friend talks about how he has cheated on his wife in past (at this point we are totally wasted) starts talkign about how he’s trying to support me but is in fact an asshole, anyhow it triggers me BAD and I start punching this metal wall in the street, I just PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH I start bleeding and last punch I just hear a snap, here I am in the middle of the street covered in blood laughing, laughing because I hadn’t felt this alive in such a long time, one of my more sober buddies takes me home, patches up my hand and we go to sleep.
I wake up my hand is swollen it hurts, I’m thinking I probably sprained it or something, few hours pass it hurts still, I google symptoms and conclusion is that my hand might be broken, so I go to the ER confident that it isnt, wait an hour get a scan, and bam it’s broken, my right metacarpal 5 is snaped in two I get a cast while I wait for the operation in a few days.
I have anxiety, I had to go to the hospital alone for the first time in my life after a few apointements my operation day is set.
Full anesthetic , told them about my anxiety so they gave some kind of drug before the anesthetic.
I wake up with a metal plate in my hand and stitches with a tiny dose of morphine in my stream.
My brother came to pick me up( they won’t let you leave without someone)
I learned the hard way to not punch shit that’s for sure.
I started seeing my shrink 3 days before that happened btw and I’ve got 3 more weeks to go as of today before I’m fully healed. (hype)
From then on my perspective changed, I had to stop hurting myself physically and mentally, I had to start letting go.
4 months in and I can safely say that she is not welcome back in my heart, she can fuck off and I never want to see her again.
I never want to see the person that brought me that much pain, ever.
I’m healing fast even my shrink thinks I’m doing exceptional , I’m tackling every opportunity I get to face one of my mountains, I’m getting stronger I can do this with the help of my many friends.
I meet Heartsupport, another great resource that has inspired me troughout my days.
I’m now almost at 5 months, I’m doing so much better, I’m starting to tackle my depression with my shrink now so hopefully I can heal that part as well, I can see a light at the end of this dark tunnel.
But now what? I’m starting to feel again, to feel happy again, I do things I love thanks to my friends ( streaming) is this happines real? it feels so weird.
I’m moving on and it’s all going so fast, I’m happy a lot of the time and my dark thoughts barely exist atm, I’m even hitting it off with one of my friends and she’s one of the most amazing people I’ve met and it took me a while to even see if I had feelings which ended up being mutual as well!
But I’m scared somewhere, to be hurt, to loose, to trust (working on it) and I want to take things slow, she lives in the Netherlands and I live in Switzerland and we’re gonna meet in 2 weeks and I’m really excited, but also scared shitless but that’s how it goes right?
Things are getting better, there is light at the end of this dark twisted tunnel, but I’m not healed I still have a lot go , even once I get out of this tunnel there is so much to still work on, I want to heal faster, it’s frustrating even.
On Stream they said today: it’s ok to want to heal and to want nice things, and that really hit me.
But I felt like crap, and now that I’ve written this all down I feel a lot lighter.
TLDR: I’m not stuck , I’m seeing an end to all this suffering, however I want to heal more and faster.
Thank you for letting me vent and sorry for the writing It’s not my best skill.