I lost my child 2 years ago this month. He was on this site often. I wanted to thank you all for being his friend. I’d love to connect with some of you that conversed with him. He loved this group and often reached out to help others.
I found this group by an absolute miracle. I was asking God out loud why my child acted a certain way on my last birthday with him. A week later I found the name System Irigiad in his room and I googled it and saw this group and saw his writings in here. I read his post about my birthday weekend and in his own writing, I got my answer.
Please know that my child suffered from schizophrenia, paranoia, anxiety, depression, body dysphoria, among others issues. If you knew him, he went by many names and called them his headmates. I can’t say that he didn’t try many counselors, meds, doctors…. But like cancer there was no cure for my child. He took his life two years ago. He is no longer suffering. It is hard to read his writings bc his mind was so scattered but I also get a blessing from some part of them. He was very loved and so creative.
I’m just so grateful to you all for the kindness you showed him and being his friends. Please tell me if you remember him, I love to talk about him. I found the writings last February and I have always thought about joining the group and reaching out to you all.
Welcome @Aez10420, and thank you for taking the time to create an account to connect with us here. 
This is a bit of a special place where people can be unapologetically themselves, with no judgment or stigma, and it’s not uncommon that users on this platform use it as an outlet that remains separate from their personal life. I imagine how special yet difficult it must be for you to read your son’s posts here as he shared a lot of his own struggles over the years. To eventually feel like reconnecting with him in a different manner, while maybe uncovering layers of his thoughts and own world at the same time.
After losing my brother, I personally took on the responsibility to see who he was interacting with online to let them know about his passing - I was aware that he had quite an important online life and connections that mattered to him. The whole process was, in itself, quite an heartbreaking journey on top of the pain of the loss itself, but it also led me to feeling even closer to him, like accessing parts of his heart I knew were there but that we didn’t always discuss openly. Ultimately, it led my family and I to eventually meet in real life a person who was a close friend to him, like a sister at heart, which was very emotional and beautiful. All of this to say… that we understand how full yet heavy the very act of connecting here can be in light of your son’s past activity in this community. I hope you take all the time you need to explore his posts. That you manage to take care of yourself along the way, as it can be both painful and comforting at the same time.
Your son has been continuously brave by sharing his own vulnerability here and actively seeking support. While he was leading his own battles, he might have inspired others who would have read his posts and saw in him that reaching out and sharing our voice is a safe thing to do. He also connected with quite a few core users in our community at the time, and while most of them are not around anymore (life changes, etc), your son was always heard, considered and cared for. He also spent time here and there to encourage others along the way, which was special.
-Marie-Anne
Thank you for taking the time to tell us about HeartSupport’s effect on your son! While I am sure it was a difficult path to discover his writings, it sounds like a cathartic part of your grieving journey. Your son sounds like a creative and kind person, as even in his suffering he would also help others out. It shows a very special heart to be in pain oneself and still be looking for ways to reach out of your pain to touch others. What you instilled in him, I am sure was a part of that. It takes a caring kind of parent to teach their child values like that-- to be looking out for others in their pain and no be consumed by one’s own.
While I didn’t know him on the server, I am sure he was a blessing to everyone he was in contact with. It is so heartbreaking to hear that he had so many burdens in this life. I can’t imagine the depths of your grief. I hope that interacting on HeartSupport continues to be a blessing and encouragement for you and that you can find those who knew and loved your son! God brought you to his screen name for a reason and I pray that He continues to bind up every wound and bring you to His perfect peace as you walk this road of grief. God bless you! <3 Sending love
Hey there, thank you so much for sharing about your son. While I am only a recent volunteer for HeartSupport, and I never got the pleasure of directly talking with your son, I am overwhelmed with gratitude that your son did not suffer in silence because of this group. When struggling humans can come together with others and share their pains in a safe space, I believe something special happens that transcends this platform or even one’s own suffering.
By sharing about your son you have entered into that sacred space too, and I’m so thankful that you are here sharing your story. I simply want you to know that I am so grateful for your son and for you, and that you are loved so dearly, even when life tells you otherwise. Beyond logic and reason, I believe that beauty and hope persist in the midst of unbearable pain. When there’s no explanation for being here, for enduring another day, I believe that your story and your son’s story MATTER. You are loved so so much and I am sure your son’s impact in this group has changed lives that we could never even see. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for taking to the time to write to us, I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m so grateful that you reached out to us. This is a safe space here.
To be struggling so immensely but to still reach out and help others is a type of strength and love that very few people have. It truly is a gift, and I can’t imagine how many people he made feel loved and heard on this site. I hope that his replies here will be a way for you to have closure and keep a piece of him with you. I hope that it will also remind you what an amazing, selfless, and loving parent you are. I never had the pleasure of getting to speak with him, but knowing the wonderful staff and repliers who make HeartSupport what it is, there is no doubt in his mind that he was loved. Sincerely loved.
The site has been such a gift and a blessing to be able to reach out and love those who need it. Know that we are all here for you if you need more help in processing this or if you just need a listening ear. You are in my prayers and I am sending you so much of my love. We love you and we’re here for you <3
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a family member that took her own life many years ago. But I cannot imagine what kind of pain comes from losing a child. We are so grateful that you found us and can connect with a group that he reached out to. Your son fought some incredibly hard battles, and while the result of those battles is not what any of us hope for, you are right that he is at peace. I wish I could say more that would be helpful. What I will leave you with, though, is the one thing I know to be true. God has a plan. And His plan to protect you, love you, and send you the most wonderful blessings. I pray that you can take some comfort in knowing that He has your son safe and sound with nothing but peace. We are glad you’re here. Sending lots of healing thoughts and prayers.
I’m so glad you joined the group and reached out. I’m truly sorry you lost your son. I did not have the privilege of corresponding with him, but he sounds like an amazing person who despite his struggles helped others and that’s something I’m sure you’re so proud of. I’m so glad that you were able to find an answer as you read his messages and I pray that you continue to find comfort and healing. Thank you for reaching out and sharing. I just want you to know that you are loved and that we are here for you to support and encourage you! Much love to you!
My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain that has come with your loss, and I truly hope and pray that you continue to find healing in your journey.
I’m so glad that your son found HeartSupport. It makes me happy to know that even in the midst of immense struggle and suffering, he found a community where he could share his deepest feelings and receive support from other who truly loved him. He was able to see that there was a community out there who loved him and cared for him and his struggles in the same way that you did, and he could see that he wasn’t alone in his struggles.
While you continue to walk down this path of grieving, I pray that you receive a deep and lasting sense of peace knowing that your wonderfully unique, loved, and creative child is no longer suffering. I pray that you are able to shine his light by talking about him and letting the world know what a truly special person he was. Even though I never got the chance to interact with him, I can tell that he held such value, and I mourn with you.
I’m so glad that you decided to join the group and send this message. I know that must have been hard, but I can’t describe how joyful it makes me knowing that you are able to find peace in the same community that your son did. While you continue to heal, we are here for you. If you ever need to open up more about your own struggles and hardships, we are here for you. This community cares for you deeply, as it did your son, and we want to support you in any way we can. So please, don’t be a stranger. You are loved so deeply and you will continually be in our thoughts and prayers. God bless you, and I wish you nothing but the best.
Thank you so much @Aez10420 for having the courage to reach out to share your story with us. It really means a lot to us to know that simply by sharing the love of music it had such an important impact on your son and for you also.
I can’t even begin to imagine how it would feel to have lost a child in this way, but I can see from your post that you loved him unconditionally. One of the greatest gifts anyone can ever give is to love someone in that way. No matter what chaos he held in his mind, you can clearly see the beauty in him through his creativity.
I am only new to Heartsupport myself but it is seeing the impact that the organisation has that makes this very special to me. Please keep sharing your sons story and continue letting his light shine through you!
My dear friend,
I unfortunately only joined HeartSupport recently and have volunteered for a short time. I did not have the fortune of messaging your son, but I am so glad I have the opportunity to reach out to others and offer love and support, even with just a few words. God has the ability to make something wonderful, even through tragedy. I don’t think it was a mistake or coincidence that you found your way here.
It’s clear to me that you loved your son dearly, and that no matter what he was facing that would never change. Unconditional love is hard to find in this word, and yet I see evidence of it in you. Just sending out a simple thank you message to complete strangers that offered comfort and condolences to your son shows that you still love and care deeply about him. I hope you find some peace in his writings, as a piece of him you can still cherish and hang on to.
I’m not sure if you’re into the same music or not, but there’s an artist I know, TobyMac, who lost his son to a drug overdose in 2019. He’s a Christian songwriter and often speaks on grief and loss, especially for parents who have lost their children. In his song ‘Faithfully’, he speaks about his heavy feelings after losing his son and calling out to Jesus, much like you asked God why. He leans on a loving and faithful God who is beyond understanding and trusts that he’s held together by someone who understands his pain. I highly recommend his music.
I love that you’ll continue to speak of him and keep a hold of his writings, and I pray that you’ll always have peace in your heart and comfort in your soul. Love to you and your family.
~ Pen 
Dear beautiful soul, I am so sorry you lost your baby. I don’t care how old our children are, they are our babies, and my Mama soul broke for yours today reading these words. This is a really hard time of year to be missing a child and I cannot imagine the pain and grief you are experiencing right now. Even two years later, this does not get easier. I admire your strength making it this far. I don’t know that I would have been able to.
Sometimes God answers our cries in such strange ways that we could never imagine. Maybe you were brought to Heart Support because God wanted you to have some answers and give you a little peace, and it sounds like you were able to get some closure on a question that was really weighing on you. Closure doesn’t necessarily make us feel better, it just stops the question from roaming freely in our broken minds. But you were also given a gift. You were able to read words your son wrote that you never would have seen otherwise. And as hard as it may be to read those words, they are the feelings he was not always able to convey easily.
I am regretful that I was not able to be one of your son’s friends. I’m relatively new to Heart Support, and I wish I had gotten the opportunity to speak with him and see his creativity and his spirit first-hand. I’ve read a few of his posts, and I can see sparks in him that I’m so very sad will no longer light this world. He seemed to have also helped several people in his own way. Be proud of that. Through pain, we are able to help others even when we cannot always help ourselves. I’m so sorry the world failed your son. He deserved nothing but kindness.
You were so brave to come here and introduce yourself to us and tell us your son’s story through your own words. I would love to hear more about him and the creative and fun things he used to enjoy. Was there anything in particular you loved to do together? Keep telling his story. This will keep him alive always. I’m so grateful you found Heart Support. Maybe you will find what your son found here, and you can make a difference in another person’s life as well one day. Use his memory and the never-ending love you have for him to lift up others, and you may find healing in unexpected ways.
I pray that God continues to walk with you through this dark journey in your life. If you ever want to talk about your son, you are always welcome here. I hope to see you again. Keep going Mama.
Carmony
@Aez10420 thank you for tkaing the time to create an account with heartsupport.
I want to say my condolence to you, sorry you lost your son 2 years ago. I can imagine as a parent the pain you’re enduring.
I also want to say im glad youre son was able to find us to write to us and yourself. Thank you for reaching out. Also you are more than welcome to ask the team about your son. Is a blessing to have you as well. We are all here to support one another.
Music is always the answer to our life situation the fact that music speaks to our existance and understand the musicians is also fitting into our lives as well.
Thank you Daisy. I’m not sure how he found this site but I’m so glad he found something so safe to be a part of. The pain of losing him is always with me. It feels lighter when I stay busy but it always hits me again when I slow down. I am carrying the pain now and he is free.
Please explain the reference to music. A couple of ppl have mentioned music and I am not understanding why. I am in choir at my church and music has helped me a lot in my healing. Thank you.
(I have to type 500 characters?…. Sorry I am new here.
@Daisy1985
Micro, thank you for your kind reply. You worded it all so well. It is painful yet difficult to read his writings. I read one and don’t look again for a couple of months. It does show me how troubled his thoughts were and helps me understand why he couldn’t stay. He was way too sensitive for this broken world we live in. He always felt things more deeply and differently than most people. It was both a blessing and a curse.
I often find something special in his writing that I can hang onto.
I’m sorry for the loss of yr brother. It is interesting to see how online connections can become so very important. I really need connections with people in person. That is so special that you met someone in person that he was close to. She must have been in your city. It seems my child’s friends are countries away.
It is really nice to know that he found an uplifting encouraging site to be heard and treated so nicely.
I do believe I am here for a reason. I am always trying to find a way to feel closer to my child and just being here is special. And if I get to meet someone that remembers him, that will be even more special.
I am already remembering some special things. I would be trying to get his attention and he would say…… Wait mom, I’m doing something really important. He was helping someone online and maybe it was on this site.
I’m not understanding why I have to type 500 characters in order to reply………… Can you explain this to me please.
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@reem182
Thank you. Those are beautiful words about beauty and hope being in the midst of unbearable pain. And that his story matters.
I do plan on sharing the miracles I have encountered that show me he is still with me.
@lu2910 i do feel like I am getting some closure and discovering a special piece of him as well as special memories and conversations coming back to me. And that makes me feel like he is right next to me again.
@runner12 @d07232017 thank you for your kind words, they make me cry. Sometimes I have peace that he was not meant to be here long because it was too hard for him and other times I’m losing my mind with guilt that I couldn’t save him. But I know I helped him to stay longer.
Thank you for your heartfelt words it is nice to hear. It really is special to be here knowing he led me here.
@Ryan270624 it took me months to get the courage to join this group but I’m glad I did. He really had a lot of special gifts and helped people to share his unique perspectives.Can you please explain the reference to music as I’m not understanding that sentence.
@PenArt I am familiar with Toby Mac and I will look up Faithfully right now. Thank you.
@Carmony2 It was the biggest miracle I have received to find his writings and be led write to an answer to a question that was bothering me for a long time. You are right that it wasn’t easy to read but it reminded me of the depths of his illness and how much he was suffering.
Thank you for taking the time to reach out to us, and for being so vulnerable about what you are experiencing at the moment. I’m really very very sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now, but please know that if you need some support then I’m always here to listen. I never knew your son in person, or online however I know in my heart that he was a very kind, caring, and creative being who always loved to help others with their struggles as well as his. I am very grateful that your son was on this site, and that he has touched the lives of so many others who were in need of support. Your son will always be loved and appreciated, and you will be in my heart and in my prayers too. I am sending you all my love and hugs. We all love you no matter who you are, and we are all here for you no matter what.
Youre are welcome
@Aez10420.
I am glad you are able to keep focus on moving forward even though that pain will always endure. Losing a child is a different pain and not able to focus mentally it can be over bearing as well.
Music is always a great way to relax your mind. Music can also reference your life, or just related topics like suicide, depression, being in the darkness. Is an expression with in the music.
Like the music band
Fallin in Reverse “Last resort” reimaginated by the group. Is very strong and touching his voice and people connect with the singer.
There is also a therapist who react to a lot of rock band and translate the meaning of the song. Hername is Taylor Palby.
She is also my professor
who introduce me to heart support. Because of her i became a replier
volunteer for couple of years.
I recommend everyone who needs mental health to #heart support💜
I hope you continue with Heart support and get some clarity and grow with us as time goes by.
God bless and thank you for sharing.