Once, there were three friends. There were a set of twins, children. They had been diagnosed with autism. One of them was a girl who was always writing stories and had recently realized that she was bisexual. The other was a nonbinary bean who always riverdanced. The twins had a best friend, also autistic and queer, a small Italian girl who truly understood them more than anyone else. This outcasted childhood, the three truly loved and supported each other. They played together at recess, they told each other their dreams, they made crafts, stories, and art together, they tought each other songs, and culture, and they laughed together. The nonbinary bean was me. The Italian girl was my sister and I best friend in our precious childhood. That child, she was pure. She was my special friend and she was a good person. She was very intent on treating others respectfully and making the world a better place, especially for women and queer and disabled people. This precious little horse loving girl that was my happiness like a second sister to me never lived to high school. She will never learn French or marry a beautiful woman like she always dreamed of. I will never get to take her back to Italy in my arms like we had planned. Because the girl who loved my sister and I, the girl who we loved, she no longer exists. She did not die. It is worse than that. What became of her was a different person. She did not remember being the cute little girl she was. She did not remember her dreams of a better world. She did not love me or my sister anymore. My other friend went to high school with her, with what became of my precious little girl. She became a malicious, unloving person who molests others. What ever is left of the sweet little child who once existed is not enough to bring her back. The pure and sweet child she truly was no longer exists. But she did, and she loved me. I believe that child’s love lasts forever, extending from the past and into the present and future. I still love the friend I had in childhood, the complicated and loving girl she was. I have no such feeling for who she has become. I am only barely fourteen even today. My childhood should not be over yet. But with her gone, I feel that my life as I knew it is over. I am greiving. My parents don’t know. My friend told me that she loved me to infinity. I believe that. What she has become does not make what she was invalid. She was a beautiful child full of love, but her soul has ceased to exist. The current person who grew from her, I shall never speak to or love. All the child is gone. But that child did have love for me, and I still reciprocate it to that child. I have lost my most precious one, and even in life after death she will not be there for me to love and hold and play with and everything we did when we were so small. I shall miss her for eternity.
People are emotionally and intellectually layered, and with time, more layers exist. It’s very common that as time passes, negative experience causes subsequent layers to be hardened, blocking vision, empathy and emotional growth. Such negative progression is frequently caused by PTSD. Some people become so damaged that the only way to remain safe is to avoid them.
Despite that, it’s very important to remember that beneath tragic, hostile and hardened layers, the original soul still exists. In this case, the beautiful child full of love still exists, yet she’s hidden deep within. She’s hiding out of fear. Something happened to drive her into hiding. She may be forever beyond your reach, or she may resurface once she grows a bit more and feels stronger. She may decide at some point in the future to allow her compassionate side to emerge again when she realizes that’s better to risk being hurt than to hurt herself by becoming a bitter shell of a person.
It’s a virtually universal journey of all humans. We start out innocent, loving and open hearted. Then shit happens that hurts us. This hardens us and we lose touch with our own hearts. We may spend time lying to ourselves, saying we’re happy being self-centered and insensitive. Some people recover their humanity. When they do, their compassion and empathy is on an entirely different level. A child’s innocence is natural, and their capacity to love is largely untested by the hardships of life. After a person has suffered, been through hell and then decides to re-open their heart, it’s an act of courage. They choose to be innocent despite all the terrible events that try to rob them of it.
A lot of people live for years in pursuit of vain things and have jaded attitudes. Then one day, all hell breaks loose. They may find themselves broke, homeless or lose what they thought was a solid relationship. Then, while flat on their back in total despair, they tearfully acknowledge, “I don’t really know anything. Everything I thought I knew has proven to be wrong.” That’s also the time that they realize they need to open their mind and heart, reevaluating what they believe, want out of life, and the level of integrity, empathy and compassion they wish to adopt.
That may be what happens to your friend, or some variation of that experience. So, keep loving the innocent girl that’s hiding behind the mask/shell. If she comes back broken, be ready to help her. Sometimes those who go off the deep end become our greatest teachers, as they challenge us to care unconditionally, even when healing doesn’t seem possible.
As always, I admire your pure intention to love. I think you’ll survive the difficult times with that intention intact.
Pengyou, I am so sorry to hear about what has happened with the precious friendship with your best friend. That must be so very painful to process and deal with. It really is so hard to lose someone that close to you when they are still around. Hugs. Do you know if something happened in their life to cause such a huge change in how they behave and how they feel? People don’t normally shift their feelings and behavior that much without something causing it.
Friend, it will take time to grieve and work through the feelings you have. And that is very normal. Come back and talk here anytime you need to. Know that you matter. We see you. You are loved.
thank you for sharing, for reaching out.
that is such a difficult topic to go into, to say something about it. in your young years, your teenager years, you
should go out and enjoy your life. there is so much that we have to deal with later in our lives.
like Wings said before, PTSD is so extremely affecting your life, in so many ways. when we grow we also change,
we see the world in a different view, on different ways, on our very own journey.
we do not have to agree with others, because we can not change that.
you can not look around the corner of the mind.
we grow too fast in those times of life. so many things are getting putted on us from the world, that not everything is
explainable. some people change for the better, some not.
it is inspiring how caring you are, how you open up about that. you are loved and you matter.
Hi Friend, Thank you for your post, it was very sad to read and somewhat distressing too, the friendship you had sounded so ideal, such a loving, caring pure friendship that you felt would last forever and if you find that as a child its a wonderful thing, there is such an innocence in children that makes life so much easier and so much more fun. Sometimes however things occur or life happens and changes begin or it can be that we just start to grow up, we have to start doing things that we never had to think about when we were very small and they change us, sometimes they bring out personalities traits in our own personality that we didnt know were there so its a shock for everyone and once they are out there is no going back but that does not mean you cannot hold on to the memories that you have. They are something that can stay with you forever even if the person you have them with is no longer around. Sometimes you just have to let go. Much Love Lisa. x
I can totally understand how losing such a close friend can feel like a berievement. The person you loved is no longer in your life. Is it possible at some point in the future that you may wish explore the possibility of trying to change this? Such a radical shift in you friends personality must have had a trigger. If you felt you could explore what this could have been, is there a chance of building some bridges? I understand how betrayed you must feel, could gaining some understading of why this happened help you start to heal. Whether this inevitably helps restore the old frienship you had or not, at least you will have some answers.
You mentioned how you feel that life as you new it is now over, and unfortunately that may be partially true. However, this doesn’t have to mean that you can’t go on to build a bigger and better life with new people who treat you how you truly deserve. Having only just turned fourteen there is plenty of time to explore new relationships which are even more intense and rewarding as the one you have lost.
Heart Support is always available, don’t be afraid to ask for more help or advice. You don’t have to deal with any of these feelings alone.