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My daughter was sexually assaulted, how do i deal with it?

i feel so angry and sad an furious and helpless at the same time… can’t sleep

i’m getting her help and is there for her…

but how do i deal with it?

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oh, I am truly so sorry for your daughter and also for you!

I’m glad she’s getting help. Do you have a therapist of your own? There will be SO many big emotions that you’re feeling right now, some of them may be quite intense and scary and unlike things you are used to feeling. You need a safe way to express those, away from her so she doesn’t see it.

go for a walk and yell at a noisy river, write many angry and bitter letters then burn them, talk to your support system. Your kid will need your support, and also your support to maintain independence and confidence, there’s no timeline for surviving this.
I found this link with some helpful things to say to her to let her hear that her feelings are valid, that there is no blame for what happened, to create a safe space for her to express herself, etc
Finding out your child has been sexually abused

This is a hard time for you too, and you need to ensure that you’re taking care of your health to be able to be there for her. It’s not selfish to eat a meal or take a break. Join a support group if you need, and of course post here to share and dump out the emotions safely.

I’m so sorry friend. Sending you both much love and I hope that there is recovery and healing for your daughter.

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she has a therapist she’s been seeing for depression and anxiety and trauma from an abusive mother last year, plus a breakup with a boyfriend… now this on top of it… she already confessed to self mutilation she did this weekend because of self loathing for hurting her boyfriends feelings…

she’s a stong girl but she is thrown with so many bad experiences, she is really battling and it breaks my heart because i can’t take it away for her… i support and encourace and motivate her as much as i can…

now this happens!?!?!?!

to make it worse, it is her older sisters boyfriend who did it and her sisters does not want to belief it…

i’m so torn inside…

ps. i’ll have a look at the link, thank you

1 Like

From: Micro

Thank you so much for reaching out here, @MrSneuth.

I’m so very sorry that your daughter has been hurt in so many ways. There really is no word to describe it and I can only imagine how much the emotions you feel must be intense right now. It is horrible, absolutely unfair and devastating. My heart goes out to you and your daughter right now.

Through everything you have described in your posts, your love and care for her are absolutely unquestionable. You are such a good parent. This situation brings a lot of helplessness, and without a doubt a deep urge to take all this pain away from her as soon as possible. You naturally want the best for her and I can tell how much she has a wonderful ally because you are by her side right now. As a survivor of sexual assault, one of the most awful things I had to experience was the silence following because there was no space to talk about it. Silence is an added trauma to the original one. By being here, by believing her, by actively listening and supporting her, by making sure that she has access to professional help, you are doing a wonderful job at helping her and protecting her. Her sense of safety might have been deeply shaken but you are obviously a refuge to her in the midst of this terrible situation. That is so valuable and worth everything. Thank you, thank you, thank you for caring about her and for her health just as you do. Not every parent honor their role, but you are doing it. Your child trust you to share their voice, what they’ve been through and are currently going through. This is absolutely priceless. I am not a parent myself, but you have all my gratitude for being such a loving, caring one.

It must be terrible to have this conflict within the family as well. Somehow, it might be very difficult for your other daughter to believe any of this because it would be too hurtful, some kind of betrayal from her boyfriend’s family - people she wants to trust. Denial and not believing the victims of abuse is often a reaction that they meet - too often. Though it sounds that your daughter might be just feel as lost and as conflicted as you do. Accepting the truth of her sister could imply for her to ask herself questions like “what could have I done differently?”, “am I responsible because I introduced these people to my family?” - which is so brutal and violent. It is of course, not her fault at all, but I imagine that to some extent you also relate to these questions and could see why it is going to be a tough process to her as well to actually listen, accept, and potentially process that her trust has been shaken.

You are doing everything you can. Listening, leaving the door opened for vulnerable conversations, providing access to professional support, believing your daughter. These are fundamental. Through it all, I hope you will also consider being supported as well. When someone we love and care about with our own life is subjected to traumatic events, it is likely for us personally to experience secondary trauma - by extension, to grieve, to feel angry, helpless, afraid just as much as the person who endured the violence in the first place. Your mental health, how you feel, what your think, all your emotions will also need a space to be expressed, could it be through therapy or a support group for example. You will need to be supported too - and your daughter will need this nurtured, strong version of yourself. Please make sure to eventually reach out to services that could guide you, advice you and help you as an ally of your daughter. If you are in US, the service RAINN (https://www.rainn.org/) could be very valuable both for you and your daughter.

This community is also standing with you. Please keep us updated, if that is okay for you. Use this space right here to vent, journal, share how you feel as much as you need. We’re in this with you. You are not alone. :hrtlegolove:

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From: ManekiNeko

I know that Sita and micro have given some good resources. I can’t imagine the pain you’re experiencing seeing your child hurt so much.
I’m so glad you love her so much and that she has such a good parent by her side.

Sometimes people don’t realise how something can affect the people around the victim. That they can go through all sorts of emotions and trauma themselves, I do hope you have had time to have a look through the resources and I do hope it helps you feel more grounded being a part of this community. We will do our best to support you through this time.

I just wanted to drop a message to say that you are seen and that you are cared for. That your feelings and emotions are so valid and empathised with.

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