Last night I felt lonely. My children weren’t home and I tried to enjoy myself with finishing a telenovela, karaoking, and drinking. I think I did too much drinking because I got really sad really quickly. I can’t remember if I cried myself to sleep or not, but waking up this morning was a huge drag. I didn’t get out of bed for work until 30 minutes beforehand. I dragged myself through the entire routine of getting ready and dragged myself into my car. I tried my headphones while driving to keep from being so unhappy, but the closer I got to work the more it all weighed down on me. About two minutes from work I felt tears fill my eyes. My eyes were so watery that it was too hard to even drive the speed limit. As soon as I got into the parking lot I broke all the way down. I called off in the parking lot and I could barely talk. My boss told me it was okay to take the day because All I could say was that I was crying and couldn’t stop and really had no clue why. I cried even harder on the ride to my mom’s and drove even slower to her house with my hands clutched so hard on the steering wheel because even that was a task. I forgot my meds yesterday, but I took them today. I know I am dealing with my regular bipolar emotions on top of my PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder), but this feels even harder than the last depression.
I’m always exhausted with pushing forward. My coping activities are more difficult than usual. I journal, I color, I keep trying to learn guitar, but it all feels too hard to keep up with. I even have my therapy sessions at every two weeks, but my emotions have been drastic. I could be fine by the time I talk to my therapist again. I feel so stuck in an endless loop of f*ckery. I don’t have any friends to lean on and I don’t trust too many people especially since someone tried to use my mental health to have my children taken away from me (which was unsuccessful). I don’t know how to make it through tomorrow let alone get any real sleep tonight.