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My Days Just Keep Getting Harder

Last night I felt lonely. My children weren’t home and I tried to enjoy myself with finishing a telenovela, karaoking, and drinking. I think I did too much drinking because I got really sad really quickly. I can’t remember if I cried myself to sleep or not, but waking up this morning was a huge drag. I didn’t get out of bed for work until 30 minutes beforehand. I dragged myself through the entire routine of getting ready and dragged myself into my car. I tried my headphones while driving to keep from being so unhappy, but the closer I got to work the more it all weighed down on me. About two minutes from work I felt tears fill my eyes. My eyes were so watery that it was too hard to even drive the speed limit. As soon as I got into the parking lot I broke all the way down. I called off in the parking lot and I could barely talk. My boss told me it was okay to take the day because All I could say was that I was crying and couldn’t stop and really had no clue why. I cried even harder on the ride to my mom’s and drove even slower to her house with my hands clutched so hard on the steering wheel because even that was a task. I forgot my meds yesterday, but I took them today. I know I am dealing with my regular bipolar emotions on top of my PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder), but this feels even harder than the last depression.

I’m always exhausted with pushing forward. My coping activities are more difficult than usual. I journal, I color, I keep trying to learn guitar, but it all feels too hard to keep up with. I even have my therapy sessions at every two weeks, but my emotions have been drastic. I could be fine by the time I talk to my therapist again. I feel so stuck in an endless loop of f*ckery. I don’t have any friends to lean on and I don’t trust too many people especially since someone tried to use my mental health to have my children taken away from me (which was unsuccessful). I don’t know how to make it through tomorrow let alone get any real sleep tonight.

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I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. Missing meds may be a large factor. Additionally, it sounds like you should talk to your doctor about the symptoms you’re having, including the difficulty sleeping, and discuss a possible med adjustment. Even if you feel fine by the time you talk to your therapist, be sure to describe the difficult episodes you’ve been having. The problem with drinking is that it tends to make depression worse because you’re consuming a depressant, so you’re dealing with depression by adding a depressant, and also dealing with the PMDD.

Please check back and let us know how you’re doing. Wings

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Hi @grandmastrqueen
Goodness you are going through it arent you? That evening it sounded like you really did everything you could to keep yourself busy and your mind active in order to not let youself get overwhelmed and you did well. Feeling sad and lonely is hard and a a lot of the time easily over looked as a lot of people think its as simple as telling you to just go out then and talk to someone which of course would be wonderful if it was just that easy. Its hard enough to break out of being in a rutt of staying in without then having to cope with bipolar and PMDD, I cannot imagine how difficult and wearing that can be.
I see that you journal which would have been a suggestion as of course it is a coping activity and another is writing a daily gratitude list (I find that helps me when I am feeling sad and lonely) It does sound like everything is a struggle at the moment and that is understandable when you feel like things are against you but reaching out here is a big step, I know we are not around you irl but we are here for you in an emotional sense and we care deeply about you and how you are doing. I/we want you to succeed in all that you do and the first thing is finding the end of that loop. Is there any chance you can get to see your therapist any sooner? perhaps find out if you can go on a list of cancellations? its worth a try.
You are a wonderful human being, you deserve the very best life has to offer you and you are loved friend.
Lisalovesfeathers. :green_heart:

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From: Rohini_868

Hi there,

sounds like you have a super difficult time, and I’m glad that your boss let you take some time off. Sometimes a day off to just “be” is neccessary. I just want to note that I’m impressed that you were willing to power through the day still - go to work, drive back and forth, even when things felt really difficult.

I do hope that the meds help, consistency is important for some of them to kick in properly. I love that you’re learning guitar, have you checked out twitch streams for guitar stuff there? Might be fun to add a fun streamer to your rotation, if that feels like it can be useful for helping you relax and have fun while you do your self-care.

And thank you for trusting us with your emotions, we’re here for you, and I hope that you keep sharing with us, so we can support you through this journey, friend!

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From: twixremix

hey friend,

thank you for sharing this update with your heartsupport community. you mentioned how it’s difficult to trust a lot of people so i appreciate you being here on this anonymous forum - we always got each other’s backs here. i know it’s been a day since you posted this and wanted to check in on how today was for you? i hope you were able to take your meds since i know how that can personally mess my whole day up if i forget them.

i also hope you’re able to be easy on both your mind, body, and heart as you recover from this harder hit to your mental health. from what you shared, the other night and the following morning did not sound easy at all. i can definitely understand that during this emotionally heavier time in your life that coping activities drain you more easily than usual. even if it’s just laying down or passively watching a silly tv show, twitch stream, or movie, that is still self-care if that’s what will benefit you. just don’t allow it to become a way to avoid tackling responsibilities or your obstacles! wishing you all the best for your next therapist’s appointment and hope it brings the clarity and peace you deserve, especially after enduring these low points. i believe in you to make it through this and find less demanding coping activities for times like these. you can do this, i have full faith in you, my friend!

love,
twix

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Hello there,

I see you & how you are working on prioritizing your coping skills. Is there one that you find more enjoyable or something you looking forward to more than the others? I know for me, if I have too much on my plate…nothing else gets the attention that it needs to accomplish it. Maybe it would be helpful to find one or maybe two things to focus on, then that would be the encouragement that you need on a daily basis.

I am glad that your boss told you it was okay to take the day off. I know how it feels to have a day off, especially when you are overwhelmed with tons of different emotions hitting you all at once. One thing that helps me when it gets to be too much is yelling. Not at someone, but go somewhere that no one is around & just yell. Getting that emotion out can be healing in its own way & sometimes it’s helpful, at least for me, to go on a drive & blast music to yell and sing along with. We all have something that helps us in our own little ways, maybe this is an opportunity to discover more of what works for you.

Find joy in every day. Chase something that brings your soul some sunshine. Be kind to yourself & give yourself some grace every day. You are valid. You are enough. You are strong. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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Hey everyone! Thank you all so much for your kind words. I am much better today. I was still somewhat down yesterday, but it turns out it was my PMDD symptoms because per usual two days into my cycle and all of those feelings and crying has ceased. It also turns out because my children are my reason for living being without all three of them at once makes me feel a lot lonelier especially since I lack friends and other family. My mom always has helpful tips with coping since I am a lot like her. I like the ideas of gratitude and validity. I have a lot of ups and downs even with high doses of meds, but I am working through what I can for both my children and my sake. Thank you again.

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