This is extremely hard for me to type out, but I need to do it, I’ve got things I need to admit to and I’m crying out for support to help me continue to change.
I’ve never dealt well with close relationships, but also can’t stand the thought of being alone, I have always bounced from one relationship to the other without giving myself any time to reflect on why that previous relationship may have broken down/where I might’ve gone wrong.
I have hurt many people in my life, family, friends and girlfriends and I wish I could take back absolutely everything I’ve ever done.
I recently (around a month or 2 ago) got called out on social media as an abusive boyfriend by a number of my ex partners.
I had never seen anything wrong with my behaviour and never really thought twice about it until reflecting on what was said.
I have had issues with alcohol and drugs throughout the years these relationships were happening and was so blinded that I had not realised the amount of emotional and mental pain I put upon these women until really getting called out and being forced to take time out to reflect on my past and the actions I’ve taken, and now I see the errors.
I have belittled, I have cheated, I have put material things before important situations, I have abandoned my partners in the times where they needed me most, I have put alcohol, drugs and hobbies before them and even my kids, I have raised my voice, broken things out of anger, shouted, called partners names in the heat of the moment, been extremely verbal and I can imagine this to be pretty scary to those on the receiving end.
I had been blindly going through this cycle of behaviour for around 5-6 years before being called out on it and as a consequence, I have lost the following; any access to my kids, my most recent partner of whom still supports me but needs me to change and to stay changed in order to see what the future may or may not hold for us, my position in a band that I had been working on for almost a decade and most importantly, respect and understanding from my friends, peers and even some family members.
I can understand why I’ve lost all of this as I am too, absolutely disgusted by my past behaviour.
I have started to make steps by abstaining from alcohol (this is the first time I’ve been properly sober for more than a few hours in years) reducing my weed use, and engaging with some services that I have signed up to in an effort to make a change to myself.
I understand that some people won’t want to know/may scorn me for admitting to all of this, however I am changing and this is why I’ve posted this; is to ask for any support/advice.
Thankyou for reading.