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My depression and insecurities are back


#1

Hey all, it’s been a while since I posted here. I went through some big life changes and moved into an apartment, got a new job and such. Anyways with my reason for posting. I had my friend over that I’ve been crushing on for over ten years, and had a good time. My roommate gets along with her really well which is, I guess a good thing. Anyways she is one of 3 people who posses the ability to give me the look, the one that says you messed you without saying a word. I made the mistake of saying this around my roommate who due to autism doesn’t understand boundaries and stuff. He asked her for her number basically putting her in a spot where she awkwardly gave it to him. The very next day after we all hung out, he starts making comments like, I’ll have her over to the apartment while you’re at work and she says I’m her best friend after a day of talking. She says she never said the best friend thing. Then after all this, I go on my Facebook memories and see that 7 years ago, my buddy from rehab died from hitting a deer. The cherry on top of everything, is I found out this music promoter in Norfolk va got arrested for 11 counts of child pornograpy. I’m currently sitting at 63-64 days clean and sober. I also haven’t self harmed in a good 3 months. I’m starting to feel as if everything in life is coming crashing down on me. I’m tempted to cut just to release the pain that’s boiled up inside of me, and drink on top of that to forget everything. On a scale of 1-10 my depression is at 100 right now. I feel like I can’t take much more if anything.


#2

Oh man, it’s all of the little things piling on top of each other…right, like, you have the ability to handle or carry any one of those individual things…but it’s while carrying one load, another is thrown on, and another, and another…first the girl you have a crush on getting smothered by your roommate…feeling the awkward tension for the girl, feeling the anger for your roommate…then the grief for your friend…then the disgust and devastation of the music promoter…there’s so much on top of carrying your own recovery in multiple arenas and managing the rest of your life…it feels like you’re over capacity, and you don’t know how to carry all of this by yourself for any longer…

Man, I’m sorry that you’re so overwhelmed and exhausted by the stresses of life. Sounds like you could use a breath, ya know? Just a moment of “the world doesn’t need me right now”…which makes sense why you feel tempted to relapse in alcohol or self-harm, because in both cases there is a release, there is a letting down of the burden, even if it is for a moment, and even if it causes more burden afterwards…it’s the allure of temporary weightlessness that right now is drawing you towards it.

And I get that, man. I know when life feels overwhelming for me, I feel that same draw towards porn for that same reason…feeling like I’m not at risk of being criticized, like I can protect myself from the pain “I know” is inevitable…hiding from the thoughts in my own mind that feel like they’re too much to bear…yeah dude, the draw is real. I know you know that the draw is based on a lie, right, it’s based on the promise of relief, but the reality is that it adds to the burden any time you relapse in a tremendous way, and so you feel motivated to continue in your recovery. Acknowledging that it is a temptation at the moment though is honest, because it’s just what you’re experiencing.

Man, all in all, it’s a heavy load. I pray that you’d receive support for that…that you’d have some supernatural ways of that grief being released from your body, of that situation with your friend and crush disentangling, of that grief and disgust for the music promoter being dissolved, and of the temptation blowing through…that you’d find yourself at center again, knowing what matters, knowing you matter, and knowing that everything’s going to be okay.

-Nate


#3

Thank you. It’s getting better but not by much. I had a stern talk with my roommate that sort of drove the point home. I’ve been picking up the phone and talking to my A.A. sponsor and going to meetings and talking about it which is helping.