My ED....I need help

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I need help … advice… ideas…

I know some of you have shared your struggles with eating disorders, but I’ve held back with all of my story. Probably because I’m embarrassed and I’ve spent most of my life hiding it. Even right now, knowing I need to talk about this, I’m finding it hard to put it down on paper.

I know I’ve shared some of this here before, so I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself at times. Some of you know that I lost 160 pounds in a couple years’ time. The reason was because I became delusional after seeing a documentary about a married couple who both lost their eyesight because they didn’t keep their diabetes under control. My delusion was that if I put food in my mouth, I would go blind. This was my reality for two years. I was terrified to even close my eyes because I was convinced that at any second my vision could just turn off. I worried about everything you could think of and most of it was irrational. I lived in anxiety 24/7 and I went without sleep a lot. I was a complete mess. The pounds dropped off though.

People in my life started to notice and congratulate me and ask how I lost weight. I just made up whatever… so I didn’t have to talk about the truth. I was starving myself so I wouldn’t go blind.

I’m not really sure how I came out of it. I guess it just gradually went away, I can’t explain it.

Being overweight and being told I don’t have any will power by people who love me most of my life. Telling myself that when I hit 30yrs old, I would be under a certain weight and failing hard. Trying so many different diets and maybe losing some weight, but never keeping it off and always gaining even more than I lost back has been my life’s struggle.

It’s been about 2yrs now and I’ve gained about 35 pounds back and I’m getting close to where I promised myself, I wouldn’t ever go past again.

I binge eat… I can’t stop and I don’t get full when I’m doing it. The impulse to eat over powers anything I promise myself (or others) and I do it at night 99% of the time a few times a week. It has nothing to do with will power and everything to do with being completely out of control.

So, I lost all this weight which was really good even though I suffered big time while it was happening and now, I’m gaining it back and I don’t know how to stop and I’m terrified my diabetes will become a problem again and maybe I will end up blind.

Yes, I know… don’t buy food that I will binge on. That’s doesn’t work, I’ve tried. Tell my boyfriend not to let me eat, I’ve tried. I feel like I’ve tried a lot of different things and nothing is working. I don’t know what to do and I need help.

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I don’t know much about EDs so I cat give advice on that but I do struggle with OCD and your fear about going blind reminds me of some ocd I have. All I can say is I always highly suggest a therapist because that helped me so much. You may already have one or don’t want one right now and that’s fine. But just know I read your post and I’m praying for you. Have hope for tomorrow and don’t stop fighting. :heart:

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Thank you very much. :rose:

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Hello Mystrose,

It is so brave and important to make that step out of the secretiveness of the ED and to share that here with us. I am so very proud of you and I understand from own experience that there is a lot of shame around that topic and advice like “just don’t do it” and “you’re lacking discipline” are common when it comes to disordered eating.

Exactly! This is so important to become aware of.

Binging is a result of restriction and not related to your current body weight. The body has to make sure to survive and when there have been periods of starvation, the natural thing it does is to get as much nutrients as possible once the opportunity comes along. This is also true even if the restriction is “only” happening in your thoughts. Imagine taking a day off and beating yourself up for it and thinking about what you should do instead. Would you feel relaxed after such a day? The same applies for restriction. As long as you don’t give yourself permission to eat and keep thinking that you’re not allowed to eat what you’re eating, this will lead to binges again. The same is true when you think there was a binge last night and you restrict the next day to make up for it. Labeling food as good and bad and not giving yourself permission to eat anything you want will fuel the ED. This also applies to worrying about a certain number on the scale. Ditch the scale.

Eating disorders are there for a reason. The CBT based approach would suggest to journal about your eating habits along with your emotions. Did something upsetting happen during the days where you end up binging at night? What is it you’re struggling with? Do you feel the emotions or do you use ED behaviors to numb them? Figuring out what your ED does for you is a first step to find alternative coping mechanisms.

There is a book by Carolyn Costin (8 keys to recovery from an eating disorder) that might be helpful. One of the key elements is dialoguing between ED self and healthy self. EDs usually put these thoughts in our heads such as “you’re worthless if you eat this” or “you’re not allowed to weigh this much”. The healthy self would answer that your worth is not related to what and how much you eat. So when you catch yourself becoming lost in thoughts of the ED self, question them. Ask yourself why you think that and if there is a solid argumentation behind what ED self tells you - there isn’t. Things that the ED self tells us are not true. If you have problems putting something up against ED self, ask yourself what you’d tell a loved one.

Some resources I know about are OAs as a 12 step program, then there is SMART recovery that also has a meeting where eating behaviors are discussed. SMART is CBT-based and provides many tools. The regular meetings are helpful for any type of addictive behaviors, the focus is not on EDs though. And then of course there is the option to discuss that with a therapist and it might be worth seeing a dietician, both need to be specialized in ED treatment, that would be my suggestion.

Overcoming an ED requires patience and trust in your body so it can trust you again. Don’t be hard on yourself or beat yourself up. Be self-compassionate instead.

I hope some of it helps. Just want to say again how big of a step you made opening up about this. Thank you for trusting us. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi Mystrose
Wow this was a ride. I also want to congratulate you on losing weight (even though your method was… questionable. Effective though :slightly_smiling_face:) I dont really have that much experience with what you described but I have found this video and I think there ere some usefully methods and information in it. Those problems you mentioned like not being able to stop ourselves are mentioned in too. I think it might be able to help :slightly_smiling_face:. Also one more. This one mentiones the challanges of BPD when fighting binge eating.

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I’ve never thought about this being a thing. I’ve been doing this off and on since I was a kid and recently, I read something about it when I was looking at BPD and impulsive behavior. I connected with it and realized that an ED doesn’t always mean that you are anorexic or bulimic. I always thought, I don’t starve myself (just during the delusion I suffered) and I don’t vomit after I eat so my over eating (now I call it binging) was because I was weak and had no will power. After all, that’s what I’ve been literally told all my life.

I’m not diagnosed with an ED, but I’ve also never talked to anyone about it.

I’m just scratching the surface, so thank you for all the information.

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Thank you! I’m just starting to scratch the surface and this was very helpful. :rose:

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i see this as growth, to be able to speak it out here, even though that was really hard!

I hope we are able to help you and support you through this, as you also learn more about your own experience with it, and find what works for you. Do you think this is something you could mention your new therapist? (just an idea ofc)

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I have so many things I need work on and learn…this is just exhausting. I don’t even see my psychiatrist until March 2nd and they haven’t set me up with a talk therapist yet. I called today and they are supposed to call me back about that tomorrow. This is taking forever, but yeah I plan on telling them at some point.

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maybe you can tell them the whole list and let them work out with you which ones require the most attention or more timely attention.

you’re a little scholar, Rosie :slight_smile: you’re studying your own self, and actively trying to learn. I am always impressed by that. Like all studying, it’s not always fun, but just want you to know that I see your efforts, and thank you for teaching me as you do :slight_smile:

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it’s gonna be a long one. I don’t know anything about this and I feel like I’m self diagnosing. We shall see how things go.

Thank you for saying nice things and stuff. :rose:

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That is so true. For many, many years I wasn’t aware of it being a thing either. That involves a lot of beating yourself up for not being disciplined enough. I couldn’t understand how others maintain a socially accepted weight and I was unable to control it.

The irony with that is that there is so much cliche around EDs. AN oftentimes is the only type that people are aware of. That’s what’s portrayed on media, however, considering all types of EDs AN and BN are the least common ones. The percentage of those suffering from BED is by far the highest. You’re not alone. There are many people who understand what it’s like.

I hope you find the support from your therapist to overcome this. :hrtlegolove:

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Yes, the beating myself up thing is a thing for sure. I do it so much and I’m so tired of it.

I used to watch skinny people eat and try to eat the same way.

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