I need help … advice… ideas…
I know some of you have shared your struggles with eating disorders, but I’ve held back with all of my story. Probably because I’m embarrassed and I’ve spent most of my life hiding it. Even right now, knowing I need to talk about this, I’m finding it hard to put it down on paper.
I know I’ve shared some of this here before, so I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself at times. Some of you know that I lost 160 pounds in a couple years’ time. The reason was because I became delusional after seeing a documentary about a married couple who both lost their eyesight because they didn’t keep their diabetes under control. My delusion was that if I put food in my mouth, I would go blind. This was my reality for two years. I was terrified to even close my eyes because I was convinced that at any second my vision could just turn off. I worried about everything you could think of and most of it was irrational. I lived in anxiety 24/7 and I went without sleep a lot. I was a complete mess. The pounds dropped off though.
People in my life started to notice and congratulate me and ask how I lost weight. I just made up whatever… so I didn’t have to talk about the truth. I was starving myself so I wouldn’t go blind.
I’m not really sure how I came out of it. I guess it just gradually went away, I can’t explain it.
Being overweight and being told I don’t have any will power by people who love me most of my life. Telling myself that when I hit 30yrs old, I would be under a certain weight and failing hard. Trying so many different diets and maybe losing some weight, but never keeping it off and always gaining even more than I lost back has been my life’s struggle.
It’s been about 2yrs now and I’ve gained about 35 pounds back and I’m getting close to where I promised myself, I wouldn’t ever go past again.
I binge eat… I can’t stop and I don’t get full when I’m doing it. The impulse to eat over powers anything I promise myself (or others) and I do it at night 99% of the time a few times a week. It has nothing to do with will power and everything to do with being completely out of control.
So, I lost all this weight which was really good even though I suffered big time while it was happening and now, I’m gaining it back and I don’t know how to stop and I’m terrified my diabetes will become a problem again and maybe I will end up blind.
Yes, I know… don’t buy food that I will binge on. That’s doesn’t work, I’ve tried. Tell my boyfriend not to let me eat, I’ve tried. I feel like I’ve tried a lot of different things and nothing is working. I don’t know what to do and I need help.