My ex and her cheating, worried she had narcissist tendencies

Just tired of it all. She didn’t think that sexual messages to other men was considered cheating. She would always talk about herself and her accomplishments and me, me, me. After she lost 150 lbs she didn’t want me anymore. Found a new life, new friends, and didn’t want me a part of it. Said we lost connection and I never wanted to go out with her because I badly tore my ankle 5 months ago and worked 70+ hours a week to afford a wedding and home I bought for us. Now I’m just hear stranded after she didn’t love me for me and cheated and claimed she owed no apology. It’s like a slow burn all the time waiting for it to get better.

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That really has to hurt. It’s a very painful way to find out what kind of person she actually is. Imagine how it would feel if you had actually gotten married, then found out about her true nature. Whether or not she is a narcissist, is no longer your problem.

You loved the person you thought she was. Then you met who she really was. You saw virtue in her that wasn’t really there, instead, it was a projection of your own thoughtful nature.

It’s good that you realize that it will get better. I get the “slow burn” thing. I was a wreck for months after my first marriage failed. However painful, this is a new beginning for you, and it’s free of a relationship that would’ve made your life miserable.

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I’ve been where you are, minus the house and wedding. I’m not sure if I can say I’m over it. Nothing makes it okay, nothing makes it easier to grasp what happened. It’s shitty any way you look at it. What I can say is, as time goes on, it matters less. Time heals all wounds, but they still leave scars.

I learned a lot through my heartbreaks. I started meeting women with cautious optimism instead of full-blown infatuation, and that saved me a lot of time and heartache. I learned to discern the really important qualities, and came to appreciate stability and commitment more than looks and fun. I learned to pick up on when they were projecting their insecurities and faults on me, or criticizing intrinsic parts of who I was. All that led to me meeting my wife, who accepts me for all my good and bad qualities and appreciates the life we’re building together.

What happened in my past hurt. That won’t change. Nothing will make it okay that it happened, but it doesn’t have to be okay that it happened. It hurt, no Buts. That became a part of who I was. For awhile I was bitter, but as time went on I got wiser. Like Wings said, I’m glad I didn’t marry those women. The scars are still there, but they make me really appreciate my wife for being everything those women weren’t.

For now, it’s okay to be upset and angry. You suffered a loss and a betrayal, and there is no minimizing that. Eventually you’ll get tired of being angry, and that’s when growth will start to happen. Keep it in your mind that this was her problem, not yours. You didn’t ask for this, she chose it. You didn’t push her away, she walked away. You didn’t lose the love of your life, you dodged a bullet. The hurts will never be justified, but the pain will fade, and you’ll be whole again.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi @Jdubtwo I’m so sorry you’ve had to go thru such a horrible break up. It doesn’t sound like she treated you with the respect that you deserve. It sounds like it was good that this happened before you got married. You will find your person, someone who will love and respect you. Hang in there! ~Mystrose

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, jdubtwo! Welcome to the community we are happy to have you here!

I could say that sometimes people change when they lose a lot of weight but I feel like the reality is that they start showing their true colours. Sometimes they end up showing how truly beautiful they are on the inside and sometimes they show how they aren’t great people. It’s like the movie Shallow Hal.
That being said maybe you were focusing on your job too much and she felt ignored. There is no excuse for anyone to ever cheat and a real conversation would have been the appropriate and adult thing to do.

Honestly it just sounds like you two were not a good fit and I hope you find someone who values you the way you deserve and who you would be able to have proper conversations with in order to have a healthy and loving relationship. You deserve someone who cares about you and who is willing to take the time to talk. Good luck and please come back anytime! :hrtlegolove:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you so much for posting and Welcome to Heartsupport. I would like to start by saying how sorry I am that you have had this happen to you, as someone who has been cheated on it hurts a great deal and you dont wish it on anyone. You didnt mention how long you were together but I am hoping it wasnt for too many years of your life. Sometimes people are just not meant to be together and the weight loss was the major factor, that has such a huge impact on a persons life it can change them beyond recognition and give them the need to get out and do things that they never thought they could but and its a very big but, that does not in anyway mean that her cheating on you was ok because its not. What happended was horrid and I hope that you can move on at some point. please stay with us and post any time you like if you are feeling the need to talk. I hope in the near future you can find someone to settle down with that will love you and that you can trust. Much Love Lisa.

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Its been a little while since you posted this and I wondered how you were doing since then? life sounded really hard but it can change a lot in a few weeks, I hope things have started to look up, that you have been able to put some of the negativity behind you, gained some confidece of your own and have found a little happiness. I would love to hear how you are doing. Much Love Lisa. x

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From: Micro

Oh friend. I’m so very sorry for what happened with your your ex. The way she treated you is truly heartbreaking. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do when someone isn’t willing to see their wrongdoings or admit the pain they have caused. You have done what you could and have given a lot of yourself to her, to your relationship. Though it sounds that she has been struggling with her own issues, ones that you couldn’t fix for her, even with as much love as possible.

I can’t even being to imagine how these experiences must be painful for you, maybe even the way you see yourself and your worth. I promise you though - no one deserves to be treated that way. Respect is essential in a relationship. It can’t be just about one individual. You have waited for it to get better because you wanted it to work. It’s not your fault. Whether there were issues in your relationship or not, she still made individual decisions and is accountable for it. You’ve done what you could, and I hope with all my heart that you will learn to see that none of what happened defines you or your right to be loved and respected. And any feeling tied to the complex grief of losing her, is absolutely okay and valid.

It’s been a while that you have posted this and I hope you are hanging in there since then. If you feel like sharing some updates, please feel free to do so. We care about you. You’re not alone. :hrtlegolove: