My ex R*ped me

I’m making this post a few years after this happened. A lot has happened since, I don’t write this for pity or attention I just need somewhere to let it off my chest.
I was 19 when I met him, I was on a bus with my friends going to see a movie and he was there with his friend. We chatted and once reached the final stop we went different ways, a few hours after the movie we found each other again like it was meant to happen and we went out for drinks.
We started to see each other soon after that, I would sneak out from my house telling my parents I was out staying with a friend when really I would be going to his, hanging out with his friends until unknown hours at night drinking at the local or at theirs.
He would tell me stories of his life back in Romania, how he would want to take me over there one day to meet his family. He would give me money to go out with while he was at work and I would spend days at his.
The first flag I guess was when he had to go to Southampton for work and I was at his, he wanted me to stay so I did, when he went he locked me in his bedroom from the outside, I watched movies on his laptop and he brought me a takeaway the night before so I was okay until he came back a few hours later I didn’t think of it.
The second one as when he got upset with a housemate and threatened to burn the house down when I was there, I had a panic attack but he sat with me comforting me.
Then was the harmless talks of him back in Romania, where he told me a lot of stuff happens to girls there, a friend he had died from drugs and him and his friend had sex with her.
I went to his for a weekend and had made plans to meet a friend for a drink, he was against this taking my phone, he was just being protective?
We went to a bar and he kept buying me drinks and I experienced my first black out only coming to when I found out we entered his work place for food, a few more drinks later and I blacked out again. I woke to him on top of me his cross necklace swinging back and forth, his friends in the doorway. I managed to see that before I passed out again. I didn’t say no, I didn’t fight back, I didn’t say anything, we liked to be rough before.
My final was when round his friends, he wanted to have intimacy and I said no, he pushed me against the wall by my hair and banged it on the wall until his friends pulled him off and threw him out.
I hated going in the dark after that, knowing he would be walking home or at the shops, the place I grew up I was scared to walk around.
A month later I reported him, I was asked, what was I wearing, did I say anything, we liked to be rough before what was to make him think you didn’t want it that time, why didn’t you report him sooner, where’s the bruises.

I sometimes think I didn’t have bruises so I couldn’t have been abused, I didn’t report it soon enough, I was a jealous ex. I think I see him now and again in the street, on a date.
I can’t trust anyone after that, I could never trust anyone to be honest or genuine always believing them to leave or do something or just want me for sex. So I started giving guys that, I thought me giving them sex I was in control. I can control who is on my body, but everytime I got attached they left no reason, no explanation, just left. Now, I can switch off any emotions in sex, I just lay there unable to feel any comfort.
Sorry for the long write.

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:anguished:

:revolving_hearts:

I’m glad you’re out of that situation. I hope you continue doing whatever you need to express and heal. Writing this was awesome. Therapy, survivor groups, more writing, self compassion… I hope make room for yourself and take care of yourself.

I’ve spent most of my life not trusting anyone. I am slowly recovering, but it’s very gradual. I do think life is immensely cold without trust and relationship. But true trust builds very gradually and should and does erode very quickly when we are abused or neglected.

I wish you much healing, self love, compassion, safety, and comfort ahead.