From IllegalSushi: My family and friends are SUPER toxic and they straight up make my life miserable. I have no social media whatsoever (this is a secret account on my pc lol) even though I am about to become of age, I’m basically forbidden to get a job and forced to focus on my studies instead (which I kinda understand), I have many, MANY parental restrictions set in place as well as friend who make fun of my grades, my body and my strict lifestyle. I’m a well behaved kid and I’m grateful for the things I have, yet I’m still being treated like this? I’m a nice and supportive person and I still get mocked like this?
I can’t go to any specialists like therapists or GPs about this without my parents knowing, and helplines aren’t working. I feel ashamed to post about myself here even though that’s what this space is for. Like, why am I doing this? I’ve been raised to believe I should suck it up and deal with it.
I do my part in society and I help people, so I’d like to say I’m a good person who deserves to be happy and live, but I just don’t feel like I do. I feel empty, sad, unloved and depleted of my will to live. These days I just want to lie down and do nothing and stay there and rot. I’m too wimpy to physically harm my body, but at night when I’m about to sleep, I imagine how great it must feel to end it all. It’d make everyone happier, and I won’t get hurt anymore. I’ll rest in heaven or get reincarnated or something, which sounds better than feeling like this all the time.
I also grew up in a sheltered environment forced to learn about a lot of things on my own. It sounds like you have a healthy amount of thought, and genuine desire to want to see change in your life. I know this may not be the best answer, or what you want to hear necessarily.
“I can’t go to any specialists like therapists or GPs about this without my parents knowing, and helplines aren’t working”
Have you tried not hiding it from them. Showing them your feelings, and concerns. Potentially mentioning that, if they can’t understand, you would like to see a professional who might?
What are your plans for after you come of age? If you will continue to attend school, is there a chance you can obtain counseling at school or get a referral from the school counselor to obtain it elsewhere? I think a lot of young people are saddled with overbearing parents who still cling to the “suck it up” mindset. For that reason, I’d like to think the school offers some form of confidential counseling, so the parents can’t interfere or prevent it.
Such feelings are a symptom of depression, and the fact remains, you deserve to be happy and you are a good person.
That’s another symptom of depression.
It sounds like you’re emotionally exhausted, but the fact is, you’re on the cusp of “beginning it all,” as a person who is gaining independence.
I’m not sure about the reincarnation thing, but my life experience has taught me that we tend to remain stuck in our circumstances until we figure out how to transcend them. Hence if reincarnation really is a thing, I wouldn’t be surprised if we didn’t end up in very similar circumstances in our next life, and still would have to figure out how to get past them.
I hope you find new and supportive friends. Take care!
Hi IllegalSushi, and welcome back to HeartSupport; I’m sorry to hear that you are having a bad time of it.
I also grew up in a very sheltered environment, and I understand how powerful the feelings are to explore what your parents are keeping you from. Your parents are most likely trying to protect you from growing up too fast and having undue pressure put on you. But, unfortunately, it has had the opposite effect.
Although you might not be able to see a therapist or GP with your parent’s knowledge or consent, you should have a school counsellor you can talk to confidentially without it getting back to your parents. Mental health facilities in schools are much improved these days, and somebody should be available for you to talk to.
If your negative emotions get to the point where you think you might hurt yourself, you must talk with somebody. I know that you say they haven’t worked for you before, but there are some amazing online facilities where you can discuss your feelings in confidence;
You are, of course, always welcome back at HeartSupport whenever you need us.
From Happy Unicorn Rider: Hi friend!
I grew up in a violent home, with mental and physical abuse.
This is mental abuse dear! They are breaking you down by the looks of it, and it seems like they won’t allow you to make your own choices, learn from your mistakes or grow from failing.
I feel it deep in my soul, the feeling of being a prisoner in spite of not doing anything wrong.
The best advice I think I can give you is this:
Seek your own voice, find your inner strength, and when you come of age, stand proud on your own two feet in spite of those trying to push you down.
Toxic parents are the worst! I hope you never ever think about ending it ever again! They are not worth it!
Don’t let anyone make you feel worthless, because you are a beautiful strong soul that soon is ready to become the star of your own life!
I’m cheering for you all the way!
From Happy Unicorn Rider: Oh hun.
It will get easier. I know it is hard right now, but hang in there. The day that brings change might be tomorrow.
I know the feeling of hopelessness so well, but I tell you don’t lose hope, the change will find you!