Last night, I talked to my parents for a little while. It started with my mother, but when we started talking about my therapy program I’m in and what we do during the day. My father wanted to hear what we were talking about, so my mother put them on speaker.
For context…My father and I have had a very volatile relationship most of my life. (It’s semi-civil now) He is a big reason why I have BPD, the environment I grew up in was mentally abusive and sometimes violent. For example, breaking down a door and coming after me because he thought I locked the door on him (if I did, it wasn’t intentional). He would tell me to, “go do mommy things” sometimes, when I wanted to hang out with him. He was very sarcastic like if I said I was full or wasn’t hungry, he would say, “good.” in a sarcastic tone, happy that I couldn’t eat and get even fatter.
At times, he would be a good father, but I question if it was all just an act. I really believed he didn’t like me. I hated myself because of it. I still do…
I remember during a family counseling session; he told the therapist that he wanted a boy (first) but he got me instead. I’ll never forget that, ever…
So, I finish talking about my program and my mother is tired and needs to go lay down. She had emergency surgery last week, but thankfully she is ok now. So, saying goodbye my mother tells me to have a good day at the program and my dad goes, “you can do it, you can get better!”
My insides began to boil… this is a sign I’m being triggered and I caught it (Thank you therapy). Thoughts of yelling at him and cussing him out flashed thru my head and I wanted to tell him that a lot of the reason I even have to go to therapy is because of his shitty fathering. But, I didn’t. I just went along with it and said goodbye and hung up.
I ruminated about it all day today. Should I say something to him? Should I just leave it be, because he is old now and what’s the point? Is he that oblivious to the fact that his abuse is partly the cause? Do I need to talk to him for my own benefit or does it even matter? Will I regret it after he passes if we don’t talk? I’ve always thought about telling him what a horrible father he was while on his death bed. I would prob regret it the rest of my life, however so I prob won’t. Plus, that would be pretty messed up. I’ve struggled with this for a long time.
On another note, I’ll be staying for the whole 90-day program. 5 days a week 6hrs a day of intensive DBT and CBT therapy. I’m learning a lot, but very far from recovery so, I need lots more of this.