I am glad to have opened up on Overwatch because a kind soul gave me a link to this website. So two days ago, I got into an argument with my Father because he is a heavy drug user (Meth/crack/uppers). I told him to take a step back and look at his life, he got very angry and called me some names. They made me very upset so I responded back in a very angry way that I should not have done. I told him to keep smoking all the meth he wants, if he wants to die early that’s the way to do it. I told him that he probably won’t live longer than his parents because of this too. He responds back, “You need some meth too” in a serious tone. This is not the first time he has said this to me either. I looked at him in disgust and walked away to my room. Later that day, I was craving a cigarette and did not have any money to buy some. I went downstairs desperately to ask my dad for one. He opens his door, says give him a second, closes his door, reopens it, and then hands me a cigarette. Without even thinking, I went outside to smoke the cigarette and came back in. Instantly, I am paranoid and my thoughts are running. Something that happens randomly with my mental health and I am used to. I have terrible anxiety/paranoia. My dad then leaves the house and does not come back until the next night. The rest of the day I am playing games, I was definitely more alert and energized than usual thinking about it now. It wasn’t until night time I started to realize something was not right at all. Maybe because by this time the effects are supposed to start going away right? You start to feel bad because the drug is gone. I was extremely paranoid, with nonstop negative racing thoughts running through my head. I took 100 mg trazadone (sleeping medicine) and it did absolutely nothing. This usually will put me out within a few hours. I proceed to take another one. 2 hours later I am tossing and turning in bed, it is 1 a.m and there is NO WAY I am going to sleep still. I take another 100 mg. At around 4 a.m I start to feel a little drowsy. I feel exhausted but still am unable to fully get to sleep. The rest of the night I remember constantly moving my blanket on and off my body because my body was not regulating heat correctly. I don’t think I truly got any real sleep. When I woke up I was so out of it and felt terrible. I was very thirsty, felt different, and scared. This is not the first time this has happened to me either, I had truly believed that I had terrible insomnia these past few years and that some nights were just worst than others. About a year ago though, I remember my dad had given me some weed he had said he got from a friend. I go to pack a bowl and break apart a bud and see this white crystal shard come out. I am confused to what it is and then thoroughly check the rest of the weed. The crystal shards were inside the bud, not on the outside. They were in between the buds and stem. I quickly go to show my sister and she says that is definitely a drug and to not smoke the weed. She was trying to tell me that my dad most likely just put the weed in an old bag or his friend must have and it got mixed up. My sister does not know my dad like I do for she was raised by my mother all of her life. I thought about it, and really thought. What kind of Dad would do that on purpose? Why would he do that on purpose? He would never do that, right? Wrong, this man has done so many TERRIBLE things to me, my mom, my entire family. He is completely selfish, does not care about any other life on earth. He drives around when he has not slept for days, he has totaled a car recently and hurt another couple but he is confused and angry at them for suing him?
-I live with my father’s parent’s but am not supposed to technically be here.
-My father’s parent’s had gotten a restraining order on me as a safety net for me to stop calling police on my father.
-They do not look at me as family, more of a pet to my Father.
-I used to have to wake up at midnight in the 3rd grade to wake him up and make breakfast for him to go to work.
-My grandparents intentions were for me to stay and take care of my Father. They were never supportive of things I’ve wanted to do.
-They faked making my Dad look good to me by buying things and acting as if my dad went out to work to get it.
-They bought him a house, they gave him a business, they gave him property. He did absolutely nothing but lose it all, buy hookers, and drugs.
-It would be very different if he would at least talk to me and open up. Or sit down and try to agree with me that he has a problem.
-Because I literally have no one I can tell this about I end up trying to seek help online.
My family is extremely dysfunctional, narcissistic, and it is scaring me that I am becoming one of them or have become one of them. I have terrible anxiety, self-confidence, and this makes it extremely hard for me to do anything or even leave my room. I want to be able to go out and socialize again but my family has made me feel so worthless and at times have even told me to kill myself. I want to be able to take care of myself and live my own life but it so damn hard. Does anyone here know of a mental health rehab/camp I could go to refresh my mind that is government or county funded?