Hi I hope you are having a great day today.
For the last several weeks I have been experiencing these attacks so to speak. I dont know where they are coming from I just have them. I dont even know how to explain. Its this anxiety that just grabs my chest. I suddenly think people secretly hate me. I have to remind myself that they dont and that i am robably just thinking that but that thought is there and it just grabs me. When I talk to someone my brain is telling me things like “they will end up hating you” “they think you are weird” “they will leave you”. Sometimes I think I come with too much baggage. Like I just cant bring myself to believe someone would really love me or that someone would not get bored of me or annoyed by me in the end.
I have heard that one should be loved for who they are not for what they can do for you. And maeybe I just think I am not loveable in that way. I feel like I will always dissapoint you in the end. I am never gonna be good enough. I feel like people will hate me when I let my guard down and let me be me. Its a real fear. And its paralyzing sometimes. It comes from nowhere and I have to calm myself. Sometimes Iread the loving responces people wrote me or our chats and stuff to remind myself and to show me that “no they dont hate you”. But it helps once and the next day its back. My mind is telling me that people will just forget me. That they are withme just as long as I am not much trouble but when I am not good enough they will just toss me away.
I didnt have almost any friends at elementary school except maybe for ene. Then at middle school I had my friends but I just though I need to stop being myself in order for people to love me. There were some good friendships but some quite toxic ones. My best friend kinda left me when he started drinking because I was nolonger fun to hang around. We are still in contact and he is a good guy but its just not the same. I dont really have any people irl that i would consider “friends” anymore. I feel likemy old “friends” just want to use me when they need something. Do you ever have that feeling like you are holding on on a ledge and you wonder if you let go would there be someone to catch you? Would I matter enough to enyone to try and help me? Or would I just fall alone.