My fear and loneliness

[Ashwell]

Hi I hope you are having a great day today.
For the last several weeks I have been experiencing these attacks so to speak. I dont know where they are coming from I just have them. I dont even know how to explain. Its this anxiety that just grabs my chest. I suddenly think people secretly hate me. I have to remind myself that they dont and that i am robably just thinking that but that thought is there and it just grabs me. When I talk to someone my brain is telling me things like “they will end up hating you” “they think you are weird” “they will leave you”. Sometimes I think I come with too much baggage. Like I just cant bring myself to believe someone would really love me or that someone would not get bored of me or annoyed by me in the end.

I have heard that one should be loved for who they are not for what they can do for you. And maeybe I just think I am not loveable in that way. I feel like I will always dissapoint you in the end. I am never gonna be good enough. I feel like people will hate me when I let my guard down and let me be me. Its a real fear. And its paralyzing sometimes. It comes from nowhere and I have to calm myself. Sometimes Iread the loving responces people wrote me or our chats and stuff to remind myself and to show me that “no they dont hate you”. But it helps once and the next day its back. My mind is telling me that people will just forget me. That they are withme just as long as I am not much trouble but when I am not good enough they will just toss me away.

I didnt have almost any friends at elementary school except maybe for ene. Then at middle school I had my friends but I just though I need to stop being myself in order for people to love me. There were some good friendships but some quite toxic ones. My best friend kinda left me when he started drinking because I was nolonger fun to hang around. We are still in contact and he is a good guy but its just not the same. I dont really have any people irl that i would consider “friends” anymore. I feel likemy old “friends” just want to use me when they need something. Do you ever have that feeling like you are holding on on a ledge and you wonder if you let go would there be someone to catch you? Would I matter enough to enyone to try and help me? Or would I just fall alone.

[crea]

@Ashwell

And maeybe I just think I am not loveable in that way. I feel like I will always dissapoint you in the end. I am never gonna be good enough. I feel like people will hate me when I let my guard down and let me be me. Its a real fear.

When was the first time in your life you felt this way? How far does that go back? Did you grow up in a safe environment?

@Ashwell

It comes from nowhere and I have to calm myself.

What you’re describing sounds as if you were flashing back to a time early in your life when you weren’t safe, when you were treated in a way that made you feel too much and not good enough. There was a threat of being abandoned. Maybe there was some kind of neglect and/or abuse and caregiver(s) that weren’t capable of providing you a safe environment to grow up in - as you would have not only deserved but had a right to. It is terrible this wasn’t the case - I apologize if me assuming this feels inappropriate to you, it seems reasonable given what you’re describing. Maybe you have made these links already. I think it is so important to keep them in mind because you have to assign the responsibility to those who were responsible. Otherwise, you will always end up blaming yourself and don’t progress with your healing journey.

@Ashwell

My mind is telling me that people will just forget me. That they are withme just as long as I am not much trouble but when I am not good enough they will just toss me away.

I am so very sorry you’re experiencing these feelings. I can feel the pain in your words and relate to them a lot. Talk to your inner child even if it feels weird at first. Be there for it, be compassionate, it carries so much pain. Just imagine how horrific the circumstances must have been - if you don’t recall them - for a child to experience what you wrote in these quoted lines.
It is not your mind that is telling you these things. It is your inner child’s fear of death that is lingering in your chest, terrified of reliving these awful experiences.

@Ashwell

Do you ever have that feeling like you are holding on on a ledge and you wonder if you let go would there be someone to catch you?

Personally, the only person I’d rely on in such a scenario is myself. It surely depends on the circumstances, but speaking of healing, that’s something only I can do for myself. With substantial relational trauma I’m anyway a nightmare to deal with, thus staying on my own protects me from further abandonment. I don’t believe there is such a thing in adulthood that someone has your back unconditionally. The only time in our lives when we’re cared for unconditionally is during our early years when babies mess up their parents’ sleep schedule and cry for their lives to get their needs met. It’s an unconditional demand because otherwise babies wouldn’t survive. If you get lucky and grow up in a good enough environment capable of taking care of these needs, you’re well equipped for life. But what is certain is that this level of care is lost forever if you don’t receive it as a baby. It’s not fair but it can’t be made up for because other adults need to have boundaries and take care of their own needs. Eventually, there’s only me to take care of myself. For me personally this was crucial to become aware of because I know that no matter how often someone told me I wasn’t a burden, I will stop believing it the second they stop reassuring and go back to their own life. You can only change these beliefs from within.

I read in another thread of yours that you’re currently seeing a therapist specializing in CBT. There are many experts working with developmental trauma who don’t consider CBT an appropriate choice for these kind of issues. If your decision was to stop seeing your current therapist, maybe someone focusing on trauma would be worth a try.

I’m sorry you’re struggling so much with this. You’re not alone. This abandonment depression is something I am very familiar with myself. Take good care of yourself and try to do something for yourself at the weekend.

[Mystrose]

Hello my dear friend.

You are loved so very much.

I have the same fears and I know how suffocating they can be. I think I have a few posts here that talk about how I think that or how the voices tell me that everyone hates me. It’s real for me, so I know how real it is for you and I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way.

I know that here at Heart Support I am loved for who I am and people have accepted me even with all my baggage attached. Same has happened for you as well as everyone who comes here for support. That is something you can 100% count on. The love here. It’s real and it’s a good feeling. Right?

I hope that when we talk, you don’t get a bad vibe from me. I very much enjoy our chats and sharing music with each other is so much fun. It makes me feel seen and cared about, so I hope it does the same for you. I want it to.

It’s so hard to see past these fears and it’s hard to accept that someone can love you, but it’s true. It’s hard to deny the love that is here at Heart Support. When the anxiety comes it’s hard to see thru it, but I guarantee that you ARE 1000% indeed loved.

[Ashwell]

Hi crea
Thank you for responding. I appretiate it a lot.

@crea

When was the first time in your life you felt this way? How far does that go back? Did you grow up in a safe environment?

The first time I felt this way was probably at middleschool. I dont really think I grew up in an unsafe environment until I was like 9 or 10. Thats when mum started drinking.Until then we were kind of a normal family really.

@crea

What you’re describing sounds as if you were flashing back to a time early in your life when you weren’t safe, when you were treated in a way that made you feel too much and not good enough.

I do get flashback to times when something bad had happened or to when I messed up something. But those moments kinda start around the age of 10 really but they are mostly connected to later events. I dont really have any trauma when i was a kid I think. Most traumatic events happened when I was a teenager.

@crea

It is not your mind that is telling you these things. It is your inner child’s fear of death that is lingering in your chest, terrified of reliving these awful experiences.

I really dont think something terrible happened when I was a child. I mean sure it wasnt all sunshine and roses but I had a fairly standard childhood. Except for the fact that I was alone a lot and didnt have friends in elementary. I was also bullied a bit but nothing that I would remember much. I also started to self harm when I was 10 or 11 I think but not before.I didnt like school very much I spend time playing outside or playing computer games. Not many traumatic events.

@crea

Personally, the only person I’d rely on in such a scenario is myself. It surely depends on the circumstances, but speaking of healing, that’s something only I can do for myself. With substantial relational trauma I’m anyway a nightmare to deal with, thus staying on my own protects me from further abandonment. I don’t believe there is such a thing in adulthood that someone has your back unconditionally.

Yeah. I think you are right. I dont think we can 100% depend on someones love. And I feel like everybody is a friend as long as they dont see me in a bad light. I just dont think there is much in life I would find worth living for.

[Ashwell]

Thank you Rosie for your lovely responce. I am sorry you are dealing with similar stuff and much worse. You also have those terrible voices. I am sorry I wish they would just leave you alone.

@Mystrose

Same has happened for you as well as everyone who comes here for support.

I dont really think thats possible.

@Mystrose

I hope that when we talk, you don’t get a bad vibe from me.

No absolutely not. I really enjoy our talks I am glad when we talk about music and stuff. Its really great.

[crea]

@Ashwell

I dont really think I grew up in an unsafe environment until I was like 9 or 10. Thats when mum started drinking.Until then we were kind of a normal family really.

@Ashwell

I had a fairly standard childhood. Except for the fact that I was alone a lot

It doesn’t necessarily have to be a terribly unsafe environment. Parents that aren’t attuned to your emotional needs are traumatizing. Someone who grows up in a super happy family will learn that it is not okay to express negative emotions which they will suppress in order to please their parents. Just to give an example that mental health issues in adulthood don’t require horrendous circumstances while growing up.

It is also about the things there were not there. Children need to be seen and heard. As a child, we make everything about ourselves and if a caregiver isn’t available, no child will think they just don’t have time. Every child will think ‘I am wrong and unlovable’ and will feel abandoned. Neglect and abandonment are as traumatizing as overt abuse.

When someone picks up an unhealthy coping mechanism, there were most likely issues already long before that, which might easily get in the way to be fully present with one’s child. Also, age 9/10 is so young for us humans and we still need a supportive and loving caregiver who is available to us.

Important: I’m not saying how you perceive or feel about your childhood is wrong or that there must have been something horrific going on. Not at all. Your feelings are valid. I’m only suggesting some hypotheses that might help find an explanation. At least for me, it is important to understand where my struggles are coming from. It then still requires tons of work on an emotional level to get through it, but it is a start, puts things into perspective, and helps generating awareness of behavioral patterns.

@Ashwell

I also started to self harm when I was 10 or 11 I think but not before.

The trauma was already there before you started self-harming. At age 10/11 you were already carrying so much pain within you that you needed a coping mechanism to numb your emotions.

@Ashwell

I just dont think there is much in life I would find worth living for.

When you experienced this much neglect, it is likely you neglect/abandon yourself as well. How would you even have the idea to be kind to yourself, meet yourself with compassion and understanding when you learned so early in your life that you are unlovable because you were neglected?

Neglect is a form of abuse. One step in the healing process is to de-minimize the impact of your childhood trauma. How you’re feeling today is all the evidence you need. You didn’t start self-harming because you were a difficult child and had some issues. You started self-harming because you experienced abuse, whether you can remember it consciously or not or whether it was overt or covert. Your subconscious remembers it very well - that’s what you’re feeling in the here-and-now.

Maybe a next step could be to approach this abandoned part of you, to hear and see it, to listen to it. Allow it to express itself and give it space to express its emotions. They need to be felt. Welcome them, they carry a message. Embrace this part of you and give it the love, acceptance, and attention it never experienced.

You are a very lovable person. Always. No matter how you think about yourself.

[Ashwell]

Hi crea
Thank you for the responce. I am not sure what to say actually. Well… Thank you for the things you said. It made me think. Yeah I am doing… better in a way… still kinda shitty but better. So thats progress.