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My feelings don’t matter


#1

Hey y’all, so one of my friends has made 0 attempts to see me in the past 3+ months. I offered to pay one way of his Uber fare to my house if he could come over and hang out. I simply stated that I fee like I’m on the back burner and that his drinking and going out for dinner is more important than seeing someone he called “my best friend” and we’ve been bros since 7th grade. To time stamp that I graduated high school in 08. He never once validated my opinions, and let me know he doesn’t appreciate how I feel and that I must not understand his situation. I haven’t worked since September so I get not having money and everything. I just wish my feelings could be validated without me being made out to be the bad guy in all this. I also guess that next time I feel a certain way, that I should keep my feelings to myself and just pretend they aren’t there cause I hate being the bad guy in anything.


#2

Friendships can be so hard. I have had friends who have made me feel this way. And it basically came down to this:

I’ve had to take some time to ask myself which of my friends were worth my time and energy. Which friendships bring positivity into my life, bring me up and are encouraging. With these friends, I’ve just had to pull them aside and express how I’m feeling and try to work it out. Friendships, no matter how close can sometimes go through periods of distance. Life happens and that is understandable. It’s just important to reach out and be open about how you are feeling so that you can talk about what’s going on. Patience and understanding for each other is important.

Other times, relationships have been very one sided for me, and despite my efforts, they just were not willing to meet me half way or to put in that effort. And sadly, sometimes for the sake of healthy relationships and for your own sanity, you have to let go. Or at least allow that distance so that you aren’t being bogged down by how bad it feels. Ive had times where I have had to distance from people for a while, for a variety of reasons that were unhealthy to me or neglectful to the friendship, but later the friendship was rekindled. Like I said, we all go through things but the closest and truest of friendships will go through those obstacles and distances and come through.

But sometimes it’s just been a huge relief to pull away and realize that maybe the friendship just isn’t working anymore. My childhood best friend was someone who I had been close to from elementary school through my early 20’s and the relationship just became unhealthy. I had to realize that we both had changed and lived very different lives and just go our separate ways. It wasn’t without trying first. But, you can only try for so long with someone who isn’t willing to meet you half way and put in the effort.

There have also been times where I have kept “friends” around simply because I didn’t want to be alone. Sometimes I kept them because we had been friends for so long and I felt like I needed to keep them. It all just kinda depends on the person and what’s going on. I don’t know your situation, but I hope that you are able to talk to your friend about how you are feeling and that they are receiving of you and that you guys are able to resolve. It could be also that your friend is just going through a time in their life where they are busy and distracted by things and need patience and understanding. And just need you to be there and ready for them.
Whatever the situation.

I’ve been through so much with my own friends in my life. And it’s been hard figuring out which were genuinely good friends worth keeping around and which ones I may need to just forgive and distance from.

I am here. I hope it gets better for you and your friend. But never feel like you have to keep your feelings to yourself. Your feelings are valid and are important. Just try to to be patient and calm when talking to them about how you feel and hopefully they will hear you out. <3

Love and peace my friend.


#3

@Bcrit, sounds like a hard place to be in man. It sucks not having your feelings validated and at the same time walking on eggshells because you don’t want to lose the friendship. But just playing Devil’s Advocate here—have you considered that you’ve grown apart and are in different places and life spaces and that’s causing friction? The reason I ask is because most of us change friends every seven years or so, which would be right around the time frame you’re at.

I’ve found that the older I get the more my friends groups have changed, whether a job change, dating, marriage, kids, school, or different states, we all seem to get into a rhythm of life that we don’t want interrupted even though we try and stay friends with those we have fond memories and affections for. There are guys from college I was certain we’d stay close forever, and we just haven’t. Even when I’ve tried to make time for them, they end up busy and have to cancel. Same is true of other friends I no longer keep in my inner circle. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to explain that you feel like the friendship isn’t at the level it is anymore and ask him if he feels the same and if so, why have things changed. This will give you both the opportunity to air grievances and decide whether to continue forward or whether you’ve moved on. And if he’s not willing to put in the effort to see you then you need to find a friend that will put in the time and effort towards a friendship. Be forewarned, however, friendships take time and have to be built organically. I’ve written a bit on this for HeartSupport with an article entitled “A Thousand Friends and Desperately Lonely.” It may help you claw a little more into new friend’s lives if you find you and your best friend have drifted. Just don’t buy into the lie your feelings don’t matter. They do. It’s why you have them in the first place. A relationship can’t be one-sided though, so something has to change for him, or you may have to move on and find people who validate what you feel.

Best to you and this journey brother as I know it’s tough. Hollar if you got questions or need other advice.


#4

This! Yes.

Also, it’s important to know that if it’s a situation of growing a part and needing to move on, that you don’t have to carry guilt for it. It’s important to do what is best for you and understand that is okay to filter your social circle! Like Sledge said, most of us change friends every several years. We have to make sure that our social circles are healthy for us. That they are bringing good things to our lives. It’s so important.

Thanks for sharing, Sledge. I’d love to read your Thousand Friends post.


#5

Tha k you for that read. That spoke a lot into my situation. It just feels like I’m pouring everything into it and him nothing and it’s mentally, physically and emotionally draining. It might honestly be time to move on


#6

@Bcrit Keep us informed and let us know what happens. We’re here to support in any way you need. Friend break-ups are never fun. Funny I mention that because I also wrote an article entitled “How To Weather A Friend Break-Up.” Might be helpful if you decide to move on and was an event that happened to me personally with a group of guy friends:


#7

Hey friend.

First, thank you for sharing this with us. That takes a lot of guts, so thank you for trusting us. I can tell that you care deeply about your friend, and I encourage you to pursue your friend as much as you can, but always be aware of your own mental health. I understand firsthand how much it can hurt being rejected by those you love and hold close; it sucks, I know. But what is important here is that you can a) sleep at night knowing you did everything you could to hold on to him as a friend, and b) maintained your own mental and emotional health.

Don’t destroy yourself pursuing this friend. Make it know than you are available, that you still have love for them, that you will always be their friend, and see what happens. If nothing, then you did your best and I pray you let that be enough. If your friendship is renewed, praise God!

You feelings are valid, you are a whole, valuable, person and I am proud of you for showing so much maturity by sharing with us.

There is hope, i promise.

Hold Fast, friend!

Sam S.


#8

He doesn’t sound like a great friend. Why don’t you talk to him and gently tell him that you feel this way and see where it goes. If he makes an effort to change, keep him in your life. If he doesn’t make that effort then you probably don’t need him in your life.