one week before my 14th bday i was prepared to do it, i felt alone and empty as usual. ever since i lost him to suicide i was ready to do it as well, to see him one more time. everyone thinks life is perfect right? it is not well…not mine i guess. at 12 i lost my best friend to suicide, which made me be suicidal and thought many times about ending it. On the night of 6th of january i was ready to do it. i wanted to never wake up so i took the pills that my doctor recommended (for my mental health) i was hoping to just wake up happy, somewhere else but not here. well, it didn’t work, i was sick for about 5 days so i celebrated my 14th birthday, i was sad but at the same time i am grateful that im still here tho…still in pain but fighting! <3
I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your friend. This is a tremendous pain that you are learning to live with. It’s not fair though. It hurts to lose someone in such a brutal way, to have to compose with their absence suddenly. My heart goes out to you, friend.
How you feel is valid and makes sense. You’re hurting. You want to find some meaning through something that doesn’t seem to have any. And when our heart is grieving, it can suddenly feel really, really heavy, even unbearable at times. To struggle with suicidal thoughts in such circumstances makes sense. You want some relief. You don’t want to be stuck in pain. You want to breathe, to smile, to be able to feel a sense of joy again. And somehow, a huge part of your smiles was associated to the presence of your friend. Yet you deserve to find your way to a sense of happiness again, which goes along with composing with this loss in your life, at your own pace.
Disappearing won’t solve your pain though. Through the pain, we thrive and learn to rise again. And if not only for ourselves, we also do it for the ones we lost. We keep carrying their voice with the rest of the world, with people who didn’t have the chance to know them. I’m sure your friend had a huge impact on your life. There is purpose to find in sharing the voice they can’t share anymore, in trying to live according to all the good things they implemented in your life. This pain that you feel, friend, is the reflection of the love you have for him. It’s unfair to carry that love only by yourself, but it is still a precious legacy that you can leard to cherish with the beautiful heart that is yours.
When I go through some very dark times, I try to hold on to the thought that maybe they can still see me? So what would they say? What would they want for me? It’s not even a matter of belief or religion. Only trying to see things through their eyes, because our loved ones wanted the best for us, even when it was hard for us to consider self-care as an option. There is strength and resilience to find in the love we had, and still have, for them.
I’m grateful for you for being here today, and proud of you for reaching out, for being honest about it. Please, if you feel like drowning into the same thoughts again, reach out to someone and/or a crisis line. You don’t deserve any harm and loneliness in that kind of situation never brings anything good.
I’m sending hugs to you.