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My first time reaching out


#1

I’ve never typed out or even opened up to anyone about myself before. I have a lot of trouble articulating my own thoughts, so I’m sorry if it’s hard to read or understand.

I just feel like I’m in this routine in my life, and I convince myself that being alone is the best option for me. No matter how hard I’ll fall for someone or I look up to someone, it always fades. Even the positive figures I look up to now, I know that’s just what they are when I need them to be, but otherwise, they’re just as broken and nihilistic as I am, and it makes me lose hope that I could be happy. I’ll go for months being okay with being alone, and I’ll just live in this stoic nature, but something always comes up to rip me from that and convince me that I’m not normal like this and that if I keep going this direction, then I won’t see much of a future. I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to be happy with someone else or love someone else when I can’t even love myself. I know that if I open up to someone and even try to love them, that it will pass in a few months because that’s how it’s always been for me. I guess call it seasonal depression, call it whatever you want, there’s no healthy way out of this hell of a routine I’m stuck in.

I’m always so careful about what I say and keep as introverted as I can be, and I think because of this I just never feel respected. I’m just looked at as some dog that if you yelled at, would just whimper and shut down. Every time I feel like this, it builds up until I lash out about something that doesn’t even matter. I always tell myself that, “your money is not worth a thing if you don’t spend it” and I never think anything of it. I’ll even put myself in debt to make people happy, and I just couldn’t give a fuck about money itself. But today I found that I wasn’t paid for all the time I was supposed to on my paycheck and that I had to pay an extra $300 to sublease an apartment, and I just became livid. In the back of my mind, I know that I will be paid for that time soon, and I still have weeks to pay that extra $300, but I just couldn’t calm down. I was trembling and had to leave my workplace before I got fired because I definitely have a thing or two to say to my useless boss. Eventually, I just shut down, and couldn’t even function. Just overthinking about what I’m going to do and that it has to be resolved now before I lose it. And after all this, I was just alone. If something as small as this can influence me so negatively after I’ve held in all this pent-up anger and sadness, then I’m terrified for a future that could be repeated history at a higher magnitude and I still just end the day alone, because I strongly believe that one of those days will be my last.


#2

I am so happy that you came out to us at heart support. Know that many of us go through the same things as you do.
Loving someone is hard especially if you can’t love yourself. But this self-love comes from within and will grow as you learn to love yourself. Start by looking in the mirror and saying positive things about yourself. It can be inner beauty or outer beauty or both. This will help start your self-love journey.

Secondly, acknowledge your feelings and the truth this will help seperate them from each other.

Lastly you are never alone like I said before many people on here are going through this with you. I may not have all the I hope this helps


#3

Hi there @whitelaundry! ( ´ ▽ ` )ノ

Thank you so much for coming and sharing here with us. It’s really hard to open up to others and be vulnerable, but fortunately heart support is a wonderful safe space to share. :sparkling_heart:


I just wanted to say that you’re not alone in your feelings. I’ve been going through something similar myself and it’s definitely hard. We are definitely taught that, “to love others you must first be able to love yourself.” And I’m starting to find that I disagree with that belief.
No one is perfect, and sometimes you DO need someone else in your life sharing love with you to help you learn to love yourself.

Learning to love yourself is a very long and difficult journey. Some days you take two steps forward and then…five steps back. It’s a frustrating process and I think this is honestly something that EVERYONE struggles with.

Some things that may help would be to get in the habit of writing or saying positive things about yourself - almost like a mantra. I personally like to hype myself up in the mirror as if I’m cheering on one of my friends. ー( ´ ▽ ` )ノ
Some days, it’s harder to do/believe. But those positive affirmations and qualities you wrote about in the past can help brighten you up when you’re having a bad day.


I think it’s also important to drop the stoicism and acknowledge your negative feelings. Pushing them away and ignoring them only makes them grow louder and louder. But by acknowledging that you’re lonely, hurt, or feeling disrespected, can help you work through those feelings.

It’s hard, but definitely sharing more about the things that upset you, in a safe space with people you trust, will help so that small incidents won’t result in another explosion.


The future IS scary and there’s always that chance that history can repeat itself. But the beautiful thing about history and mistakes is that we can choose to learn from them!
And I think coming here to heartsupport, and sharing about this, is definitely a step in the right direction to healing and choosing a better future. :sparkling_heart:


Whenever I find myself stuck in a rut or feel I’m in a suffocating routine, I try and go out and do things that scare me - take a different route to the grocery store, visit a new park…just something new to help get me out of my shell.

Hobbies are also another great way to help you get out of your routine AND help you with your other concern!
Find a hobby that can help empower you and help you feel respected. Physical hobbies like exercising, kickboxing, or martial arts are great ones that come to mind for this!
Creative hobbies such as making art, writing, gardening, etc are also great ways to get some of those negative emotions out, and to feel empowered.


Anyway, I hope some of this helps and I hope you have a brighter day today. :sparkling_heart:

-Deer


#4

My dude.

My Brother.

I get this hard. I spent so much time tweaking about everything, and choking it back. Looking out for others without worrying about myself. Worrying about being alone forever. Shifting from I’m cool with being alone, to suddenly its the most terrifying concept in the world.

Honestly, its part of why I turned hard into streaming. I know you stream too. Its a nice way to have that “company” even if you’re alone at home. Maybe do what I do, be a bit open with the stream. I try to be real with my tiny audience about “Look folks, today is not a good day with my brain, and heres why (Reason) whats up with you? Lets talk.”

Bottling that up is just as unhealthy as blowing up. Shoot when Im feeling salty, like… take someones head off salty… know what I do? I lurk in your channel, because you hands down have one of the most soothing voices I’ve ever heard. You have this ability within you that I dont think youre aware of to quell some beasts by the very nature of how you carry yourself, and thats magical. I’m good at hyping people, you’re good at calming them. Its a super dope super power I envy brother.

At the end of the day man, if you need to talk to someone, you come find me. I dont care if its on discord, twitch, whatever, I got you man.


#5

Thanks for sharing this with us! I dont speak english very well so i wont speak much!
I would like to say that your feelings matters and you deserve the best! You are unique!

Hugs from Brazil!


#6

Hey, I’m glad you reached out to us. You see you’re stuck in an unsatisfying routine. The very fact that you opened up for the first time shows you can do hard things to break out of it. Now you KNOW you can do this one hard thing.

Relationships are tough. Sometimes they hurt and they don’t always last. But not lasting doesn’t mean necessarily that they were bad. One thing with them is they rarely last if you don’t feed them, like a flame. And while being alone gets rid of a lot of problems, loneliness can hurt just as much at times, and loneliness also makes it easier to fall in unsatisfying routines.

I wouldn’t know exactly how to fix the situation cause mine’s not so very different, but we’re here for you. You don’t have to deal with it alone.


#7

@whitelaundry here is the video response from our stream today.

Hold Fast. You’re loved.

-Danjo


#8

Hey @whitelaundry , ugh this seems very hard to deal with. I used to struggle with something that sounds Similar To this a few years back, but not nearly as bad. Honestly though, idk what your beliefs are or anything but what seemed to help me is praying, that’s literally the only thing that I could do because there was nothing else I could do. Basically just opening up telling God what is going on how you’re feeling and how you don’t know what to do. Kinda like you’re doing right now except tell God❤️ I know I may seem cliché… but hey thought I’d try and put my two cents in😌 I hope it helps at least a little… if not message me and I can listen even if idk really what to say.


#9

Joe, Joseph, brother of mine. I love you so much dude. I feel like you and I have come a really long way with our friendship these past few years, and I am so grateful for that. You’re one of the most genuine people I’ve ever met. I know you have a hard time expressing your deeper emotions, it’s something I’ve picked up on over these past couple years, but just know that you can come to me with any problems you’re facing or issues you are having in your life, and I will do everything I can to help you.

I am SO proud of you for coming to the support wall for help and guidance, I feel like this is a great step in the right direction my friend.

I look forward to seeing you opening up more.

Love you so much dude.

  • Nolan

#10

I love you so much. Not matter what, you will always have me.