I’ve never typed out or even opened up to anyone about myself before. I have a lot of trouble articulating my own thoughts, so I’m sorry if it’s hard to read or understand.
I just feel like I’m in this routine in my life, and I convince myself that being alone is the best option for me. No matter how hard I’ll fall for someone or I look up to someone, it always fades. Even the positive figures I look up to now, I know that’s just what they are when I need them to be, but otherwise, they’re just as broken and nihilistic as I am, and it makes me lose hope that I could be happy. I’ll go for months being okay with being alone, and I’ll just live in this stoic nature, but something always comes up to rip me from that and convince me that I’m not normal like this and that if I keep going this direction, then I won’t see much of a future. I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to be happy with someone else or love someone else when I can’t even love myself. I know that if I open up to someone and even try to love them, that it will pass in a few months because that’s how it’s always been for me. I guess call it seasonal depression, call it whatever you want, there’s no healthy way out of this hell of a routine I’m stuck in.
I’m always so careful about what I say and keep as introverted as I can be, and I think because of this I just never feel respected. I’m just looked at as some dog that if you yelled at, would just whimper and shut down. Every time I feel like this, it builds up until I lash out about something that doesn’t even matter. I always tell myself that, “your money is not worth a thing if you don’t spend it” and I never think anything of it. I’ll even put myself in debt to make people happy, and I just couldn’t give a fuck about money itself. But today I found that I wasn’t paid for all the time I was supposed to on my paycheck and that I had to pay an extra $300 to sublease an apartment, and I just became livid. In the back of my mind, I know that I will be paid for that time soon, and I still have weeks to pay that extra $300, but I just couldn’t calm down. I was trembling and had to leave my workplace before I got fired because I definitely have a thing or two to say to my useless boss. Eventually, I just shut down, and couldn’t even function. Just overthinking about what I’m going to do and that it has to be resolved now before I lose it. And after all this, I was just alone. If something as small as this can influence me so negatively after I’ve held in all this pent-up anger and sadness, then I’m terrified for a future that could be repeated history at a higher magnitude and I still just end the day alone, because I strongly believe that one of those days will be my last.