My friend is in an abusive relationship and I feel hopeless

[ntsh]

This is for me and someone I care about dearly. They are trying to better their mental health lately but, I’m scared they’re going in a very wrong direction. I empathize with the need to be free and wanting some affection from it but I feel like this is ruining them right before my eyes and, I feel scared for them. They’re overseas so I don’t have any immediate way to connect to them but, everything they’ve told me about their current relationship is just…really scary to me, a lot of red flags. They don’t know I’m doing this but I’m here because, I’m starting to feel lost myself.

I too have also been in several abusive relationships and dealing with trauma sustained from it. I don’t want to see them go through what I did but I’m terrified that they won’t break free. I’m doing all I can to try to help them through this and see through the smoke, but I’m scared it won’t work. I’m running out of things to tell them or things to do, especially when they’re not within reach. I’m scared and I just want the best for them, and I don’t wanna see them hurt if this continues. It took years to break from my own abuse so between reliving stuff there, even if it’s at bay, it makes me sick to my stomach to see this happening to someone else.

Is there anything else I should do?

[ofmiceandben]

Hey there @ntsh, the first thing I think you should do is try to tell them about all of these red flags that you’re seeing and how you think they should be on the lookout for them. It’s up to them to decide what they’ll do with that information but it’s better for them to know it than not. Make sure you approach them with that imformation calmly so you don’t freak them out and potentially make something worse. Just tell them what you know and what you’ve experienced so they can be on the lookout. If you’ve already tried that the next thing you should do is just be there for them and let them know that you’ll support them through whatever happens. It’s up to them to decide what to do with their relationship but it’s important for them to know that you’re 100% there for them. I know this seems like a hopeless situation but there’s always small things you can do to make this easier for them, and even for you. It’s hard to help someone when they’re so far away from you but that doesn’t mean you can’t help, like I said, being there for them is super important. I hope you can get through to them and make sure that they’re alright.

[ntsh]

Hey thank you so much for your response omg

I have let them know about the red flags and told them of my own experiences, luckily I didn’t freak them out! I did get through to them slightly but they are still thinking of seeing the relationship through after a talk they had. It scares me because I used to excuse a lot of things based on the belief progress was being made, so seeing this just was worrying me. I did try to mention this too

Regardless I’ve been there for them and I’ll continue too. I do have to remember I don’t have a say in their choices, as much as all I wanna do is convince them to leave. I’ve been praying on it hoping he’ll get the guidance. But I’m just unsure at what point are the red flags so extreme you have to intervene, I feel like I have to more but, idk now.

I tried getting a lot of perspective too just to make sure I was doing this right. I’m usually on the receiving end of this, so I wanted to know how to deal without being too much lol

I’m lucky our bond is close too in this regard that, whatever I say may not make things worse but it helps to have that caution. Your message honestly helped too cos it’s like…I felt for a while I wasn’t doing enough, especially being a few thousand km away.

Despite this been there for them daily, while trying to make sure I don’t overstep. I’ve also been trying to make sure it doesn’t become unhealthy on me either. I’ve been around the clock kind of, morning and night. I don’t mind it but I know after a bit it can be much, but knowing the circumstances I don’t wanna be too idle personally. They don’t think I’m overstepping either which is a good sign.

We’re supposed to call tomorrow night and I’m hoping we can keep it up too. Not just about this but so, they have some safe place to talk, or just, feel some care or relief ig.

Again thank you so much, I’ll try to update here. It’s reassuring to know I’m doing all I can, my friends have told me too but, the thought of not being able to be there 100 percent scares me and I feel unable to cope. But I’ll hope and pray for the best they can find their own courage.

[ofmiceandben]

I’m glad to hear that you got through to them at least a little bit, that can make things easier in the future. You’re correct in knowing that you also need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Make sure you set boundaries and let your friend know that you’re there for them but you also need to take care of yourself and make sure you get enough sleep. It’s hard to be there for someone if you’re constantly tired. I’m super proud of you for doing this for your friend and making sure that they’re alright, that takes a lot to do. Yes, please keep us updated! I wish the best for your friend and you.