I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend since March 2022. by June 2022, my girlfriend has once asked me when are we going to get married, I told her it’s too soon to tell. I am not ready. And this caused a heated argument.
i am 31 and she is 25.
Now, it is November and she has once again popped the question to me about it. I told her I am not ready, it’s not even been a year.
So, I am from Malaysia and she is from China, in September, she went back to China and i’ve not seen her face to face since then.
I’ve tried to explain to her that marriage is a sacred thing but she kept giving me the sense that she wants to get married asap. She kept insisting it’s her culture to get married soon. I kept telling her I need time for our chemistry to intertwine. The reason I am not ready is that
- she will been away nearly half of the time we are together since March; she’s coming back in February 2023
- She doesn’t give me the sense of security that she’ll walk down this marriage road with me (not yet).
- I don’t want to rush things!
But she tells me she doesn’t understand my feeling. She kept on telling me about how she feels about me but when i tell her how i feel, she says she doesn’t understand.
I am here to ask, am I wrong to be “not ready”?
I would advise that you wait till she comes back in February 2023 before making any serious decisions since right now it is classified as a long-distance relationship between both of you
Marriage is a sacred thing that should not be rushed into and you feeling hesitant is a good thing…you are trying to weigh the decisions of being with her still long-term.
You are not wrong friend about being “not ready”
First off, welcome to HeartSupport!
Why the rush to get married? Why the rush to forever? To me, that screams Red Flags. Maybe it is customary in her culture, but that doesn’t mean you’re beholden to it. It makes me think that she wants to get married before you or she has a change of heart, and that she thinks marriage is the key to happily ever after.
All of your points are valid and rational. You don’t owe it to her to get married before you’re ready. If you aren’t fully on board with it, you will resent her sooner or later for pressuring you into marriage. You’ve only been in the same area for 6 months! She asked about it again recently, while she’s away? I try to balance the story when I consider people in conflict, but I’ve got nothing to balance her side here. What she’s asking is crazy.
I hope you can have an honest conversation, and that she can slow down and enjoy being with you and starting to grow. If she won’t leave it alone, you may need to move on. It will sick, but in the long run you’ll have dodged a bullet.
Hi Friend, Welcome to HeartSupport. Thank you for posting, This is a pretty easy post to respond to, it is perfectly ok to not want to get married yet. However if you are not ready you must tell the girl and let her decide if she wants to move on. You need to be honest and up front, she seems to be doing that with you. Maybe all of this is telling you that this girl is not the one. Think about it, make a decision and let her know. Good luck. Lisa. x
I think you need to trust yourself and not be pressured, Marriage is lifelong; so on grand scheme this is short time. Trust your feelings.
You certainly don’t have to make any decision that you’re not comfortable with, especially if it means holding a grudge or ruining the relationship in the long run.
it’s something you have to talk to her about and how you feel about this. Sometimes it works out well and sometimes the other person doesn’t want to hear what we have to say. Either way, don’t feel pressured to make commitments when you’re not ready.
Hello Friend, welcome to Heart Support and thank you for posting. I think there might be some cultural differences here that are clashing, but I think what matters most is that you are not pressured into something you don’t want. You seem pretty decided that you want to wait and if she can’t respect that, I think you need to discern whether this is a healthy relationship or not. I hope things work out for you, please let us know what happens. Take care! ~Mystrose
thank you for joining the heartsupport forum and welcome to the community! with what you’re going through in this relationship, you know deep in your heart that marriage is a partnership and if one person is ready and the other isn’t, then it’s not time. however, different cultures see it differently so with me agreeing with your stance on not rushing things, i am coming from a western perspective on marriage culture.
but my encouragement and support still stands that you need to do what you’re comfortable with regardless of the decision you’re making. whether it’s a lifelong bond or the type of ice cream you’ll get, you’re not wrong for not feeling ready or confident in rushing into things. i’m sorry you’re feeling this pressure and i hope you both can come to a mutual understanding on the best course going forward is. relationships are hard but keep listening to your heart and trust in your instincts. wishing you both the best of luck!
It sounds like you are pretty sure where you stand. And it seems pretty clear that you know where she stands. Though this is a complex topic, I’d highly encourage you to have a frank conversation between you two on what you expect out of marriage, your emotional relationship, and each other if you do get married.
Ask “why” on both your sides, and see how well those align. I’ve often found that the answer to “why” is very, very important in making relationships work.
Best of luck.
Hey TheHeartBroken and welcome to HeartSupport. To answer your question: NO, you are definitely not wrong to not be ready for marriage. Yes some people get married super quick and it can work out but that is usually when both people feel an immediate connection knowing they are right for each other but it definitely sounds like that isn’t the case. Your feelings of wanting to feel connected and letting chemistry build with your future partner is just as valid as her desire to rush into marriage without that connection. Chemistry and connection is important to you and that ring is important to her. It sounds like you both have different goals in life and in your relationship and if they are not harmonious then it does not bode well for a happy marriage.
Also ask yourself that if she wants to get married so quickly has she thought about where you will live? How visas or whatever the country requires will work? Ability for the other partner to work in their new country? Those are all important things and if she hasn’t even thought of them or tried discussing them then it sounds like she wants a ring and wedding more than she wants a marriage.
Just some food for thought there. Good luck!
This is quite a situation. Marriage is such a huge issue. Some believe in marriage for a lifetime, for multiple lifetimes, some see it as a social contract with no religious underpinnings to it. It sounds like you have a certain view of this, and want to get married to someone who shares a deep connection with you. This person sounds like she is interested in a quick marriage, and that may be driven by various factors: her religion/culture, some childhood dream of being married at 25, or financial reasons.
There’s no right timelines for getting married, you have to want it, and be ready for it ideally. If you’re both on different wavelengths and timelines, then you have to see if there is any meeting place for those wavelengths. If not, then it may be the case that these two trains aren’t traveling on the same tracks. Have an open and honest talk with her, about the criteria and needs you have to be met before marriage is a possibility. That will help you make your decisions. NEVER be pressured into such a commitment or any other major life choice before you are ready. You deserve to be happy and feel secure and safe in your choices, not forced or coerced into it. You matter. Single, married, whatever, your value is in you, not your status