aha this is an emergency post right here
so they’ve tried to do it again, tried to keep me from this place
but I come back
I always come back
how do I stop this!?
I’m so done with trigger-happy egotistical puppetmasters who think that they know what’s good for me
I want to be my own person
but if I’ my own person that means I have to function in society without anyone’s support
and goodness knows I’m too dysfunctional as a human being to do that
aha look at all the things wrong with me
there’s no way I’d make it even a day out there!!
and look what the medicine’s done to me
it’s made me incapable of relaxation
the very thing necessary to function semi-properly
I don’t have also
because the stupid medicine makes me hyperfocus on every. single. project that I have. and that’s not a good thing because I have waaaay too many projects…
and the same cycle repeats over and over
getting excited to work on (insert project here)!
getting overwhelmed by the sheer amount of projects I have to do!
getting burnout and wasting my life away instead of being productive!
and in the moments where I’m allowed to relax
my brain has to be stupid and make me come up with more ideas for projectss
I’ve tried to bring this up like hundreds of times
even freaking called out that it was being ignored and guess what happened!?
they ignored it again!
isn’t this what the medicine’s supposed to FIX!?
help me help me helpmehlepmehelpme
why does everyone want to take away things that are beneficial to me!?
why is nobody trustworthy!?
why can I not even trust myself!?!
when does a person fully heal from trauma…?
I know I need therapy but I’m so scared to get it
but would a therapist finally understand me?
would they be able to tell me what’s wrong with me??
would they finally be able to fix me!?
that’s all I want
all I want is a true friend
someone who truly understands me
I thought I found that friend
but turns out he was a facade!
he even admitted it himself!
every. aspect. about him that I admired
he literally admitted it was a FILTER!!
why do I have so many strange trauma defense mechanisms now?
what do I want?
who am I?
what am I?
I’m so tired of becoming dull inside.
This numbing, raw emotionlessness that eats through me and feels like a block of concrete poured around my heart and in my head.
The face of pure apathy.
The feeling that “this is not me”
but the emotionlessness is better then what is silently going on in the inside
whenever I’m emotionless there’s always some sort of war raging in my head
I always lose.
I used to be so sensitive to others
I used to care
I used to hurt whenever they said some small, insignificant thing
but I didn’t mind.
It showed I was still human.
I still cared.
But that’s gone now.
No more little chest ache whenever someone says a thing
that’s gone now
the person I used to be is gone
and I’ve changed
but not for the better
Who am I?
What am I?
What do I even want?
What do I want to do with my life?
If I’m an adult will I finally have enough time and money and resources to complete every one of my projects?
or will I go all “neophile” again and move onto the next shiny new thing before I can actually finish anything
I hate that about myself.
They joke about it, about how I can’t finish anything I try to
I joke about it, about how I can’t finish anything I try to
I laugh along with them
but it’s not a joke that I am chronically unable to commit to something I love
I’m tired of being different
I’m tired of being quirky and fun and bright and bubbly all the time
I didn’t used to be like that
I used to be way more normal
but as a coping mechanism I put up a happy face
put a permanent magnifying glass over the weird parts of me
I want to be normal
How do I be normal?
And heck what parts of me are even me!?
I don’t know who I am anymore.
I know it’s possible to be better
to feel self-worth and self-love
but it feels like a little isolated bubble inside of me
hard if not impossible to reach
nothing I do is worth it
nothing I do has meaning
nothing that I can ever accomplish will have meaning in the long run
aghghghgh I want to scream
I want to let out the pain inside of me somehow
take it out of the corked teapot it’s been kept in
because all of my avenues of outlet are gone
and so shove it down deep inside
and pretend to be happy
no one can hurt you if they never see you cry
no one will ever manipulate my emotions again
no one can see my vulnerabilities if I only feel sad when I’m alone
so that’s what I unconsciously did!
I only ever get depressed at night
but hey lookie here it’s nighttime now
and I hate every second of it
I wish I could pause the world
and reach inside myself and take my consciousness and pluck it out of me for awhile
leave the uncomfortable skin
leave the problems and pain
and float in darkness for a little while
I want someone to live inside my head
someone who knows what I’m going through
what I’ve been through
and is always there to comfort me when I need it
I want someone who won’t judge me
and see that I’m hurting
and be able to comfort me
and is never too busy to not talk
I need someone who can truly understand me
I want a friend
what even is a friend?
is it those weird aquaintances that you make just to be nice?
is it the people you enjoy being around but wouldn’t share anything personal with them?
what is friend?
what is “love” or “attraction?”
I don’t understand it
when will it all stop
when will people stop thinking they know what’s best for me!?
I am me and you are not me!
so you don’t get to decide what is and isn’t good for me!!
do you know what I’ve been through!?
how about you live through the events of last year!
In MY body.
Feeling MY emotions.
Tell me it’s “not real trauma” when the betrayal cuts so deep it draws blood!
Tell me it’s “not real trauma” when you feel your entire world crumble around you!
Tell me it’s not “real trauma” when you can’t trust anyone again!
Tell me it’s not “real trauma” when you feel the sheer hurt I went through
Tell me it’s not real when you felt the way my hands shook and the way my entire body went numb
aghhuigh idek what to say I mean
I feel like I’ve been two different people throughout the course of writing this
I’m so tired
I’m so hecking tired and I want to sleep
and I want to rest
and I wanna be at peace
I wanna be a kid again
I’m so tired of the mindless zombies that surround me
I’m tired of the jocks and their idiocy; they think everything’s funny and try and turn everything into a joke. I don’t know how to explain it but I’ll know one when I meet one.
I guess it’s cuz they remind me too much of his “unfiltered” side.
I’m tired of the people sending mindless Snaps to their “friends” of the roof or the floor or of me without my permission, it’s so dumb
can’t people just be smart!?
I swear almost everyone I’ve interacted with for the past two years irl has had no common sense and no sense of empathy whatsoever.
Why don’t people care
Why am I still complaining!?
there are people who have it so much worse then me
so my problems don’t matter right?
When will I find a sense of purpose?
When will I feel free?
When will I feel safe and comforted?
No one would notice if I were gone.
Nobody currently does
and I’ll tell you why!
they’re all fake
There is probably three-ish people in the world who have proven they truly care about me
and everyone else is doing it for the laughs. for the funnies the memes whatever stupid made up word that they want to use to decribe “voluntarily antagonizing and manipulating a poor inoccent child because it’s funny and we’re a bunch of sadists and also you’re distancing yourself from me because I caused you trama well that’s all the more reason for me to reopen the wound because ‘haha funny dead account go brrrr’”
The people who do care… not the people who have seen the real me and stayed (for whatever reason) but the people who seem to be genuine… they’ll all change their minds when they see who I truly am… a failure
if I can’t complete a project, or even meet a goal set for the project?
if I can’t finish something I put my mind to?
if I can’t even open a serious wound on myself with nothing but my fingernails?
then I’m a failure.
look at all the mistakes I’ve made
all of the guilt knowing that it’s all
and if it weren’t for me then maybe Canary would still be my friend
if it weren’t for me maybe I’d’ve found a way out of this by now
if it weren’t for me then I’d be normal
living a happy normal ife
with a happy normal family
in a cozy normal house
wearing normal clothes
and normal hair
with normal eyes
and a normal gender
if it weren’t for me I wouldn’t be so confused
I wouldn’t be so broken
I wouldn’t be a failure
there’s no way that I can be considered a failure for just existing right
there’s no way that they’re teaching me that the fact that I don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction in any form is a SIN!?
how does that even BEGIN to make sense
but here I am
I AM a failure for simply existing.
All of my attempts to do ANYTHING with my life have led to failure
What would the world truly lose if it lost me?
Sure, some of my closest friends would be very sad
and that’s what got me through my hardest moment
what do I have to lose
I need some sort of interpreter
someone who can tell me what’s going on in my head because there’s no way I can make sense of it right now
haha don’t expect to be seeing much of me around here for a bit as I have a feeling I won’t be able to get on here much… but I’ll still be there reading the replies
I’m tired and lost and everything is foggy and cloudy and people are stupid and my taste in friends is horrible
and I’m so lonely
EDIT: I managed to cry after writing this last night and it… well it felt really good haha
still doesn’t minimize my issues tho