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My gosh why does this keep happening

aha this is an emergency post right here
so they’ve tried to do it again, tried to keep me from this place
but I come back
I always come back
how do I stop this!?
I’m so done with trigger-happy egotistical puppetmasters who think that they know what’s good for me
I want to be my own person
but if I’ my own person that means I have to function in society without anyone’s support
and goodness knows I’m too dysfunctional as a human being to do that
aha look at all the things wrong with me
there’s no way I’d make it even a day out there!!
and look what the medicine’s done to me
it’s made me incapable of relaxation
the very thing necessary to function semi-properly
I don’t have also
because the stupid medicine makes me hyperfocus on every. single. project that I have. and that’s not a good thing because I have waaaay too many projects…
and the same cycle repeats over and over
hyperfocusing!
getting excited to work on (insert project here)!
getting overwhelmed by the sheer amount of projects I have to do!
getting burnout and wasting my life away instead of being productive!
and in the moments where I’m allowed to relax
noooo
my brain has to be stupid and make me come up with more ideas for projectss
I’ve tried to bring this up like hundreds of times
even freaking called out that it was being ignored and guess what happened!?
they ignored it again!
isn’t this what the medicine’s supposed to FIX!?
ughhh
help me help me helpmehlepmehelpme

why does everyone want to take away things that are beneficial to me!?
why is nobody trustworthy!?
why can I not even trust myself!?!

when does a person fully heal from trauma…?

I know I need therapy but I’m so scared to get it
but would a therapist finally understand me?
would they be able to tell me what’s wrong with me??
would they finally be able to fix me!?

that’s all I want
all I want is a true friend
someone who truly understands me
I thought I found that friend
but turns out he was a facade!
he even admitted it himself!
every. aspect. about him that I admired
he literally admitted it was a FILTER!!

why do I have so many strange trauma defense mechanisms now?
what do I want?
who am I?
what am I?

I’m so tired of becoming dull inside.
This numbing, raw emotionlessness that eats through me and feels like a block of concrete poured around my heart and in my head.
The face of pure apathy.
The feeling that “this is not me”

but the emotionlessness is better then what is silently going on in the inside
whenever I’m emotionless there’s always some sort of war raging in my head
I always lose.

I used to be so sensitive to others
I used to care
I used to hurt whenever they said some small, insignificant thing
but I didn’t mind.
It showed I was still human.
I still cared.

But that’s gone now.
No more little chest ache whenever someone says a thing
that’s gone now
the person I used to be is gone
and I’ve changed
but not for the better

Who am I?
What am I?
What do I even want?
What do I want to do with my life?
If I’m an adult will I finally have enough time and money and resources to complete every one of my projects?
or will I go all “neophile” again and move onto the next shiny new thing before I can actually finish anything

I hate that about myself.
Everyone does.
They joke about it, about how I can’t finish anything I try to
I joke about it, about how I can’t finish anything I try to
I laugh along with them
but it’s not a joke that I am chronically unable to commit to something I love

I’m tired of being different
I’m tired of being quirky and fun and bright and bubbly all the time

I didn’t used to be like that
I used to be way more normal
but as a coping mechanism I put up a happy face
put a permanent magnifying glass over the weird parts of me

I want to be normal
How do I be normal?

And heck what parts of me are even me!?
I don’t know who I am anymore.

I know it’s possible to be better
to feel self-worth and self-love
but it feels like a little isolated bubble inside of me
hard if not impossible to reach

nothing I do is worth it
nothing I do has meaning
nothing that I can ever accomplish will have meaning in the long run

ajighoisjopfkdsoghijigsfpkfd

aghghghgh I want to scream

I want to let out the pain inside of me somehow
take it out of the corked teapot it’s been kept in
because all of my avenues of outlet are gone
and so shove it down deep inside
and pretend to be happy

no one can hurt you if they never see you cry
no one will ever manipulate my emotions again
no one can see my vulnerabilities if I only feel sad when I’m alone
so that’s what I unconsciously did!
I only ever get depressed at night
but hey lookie here it’s nighttime now
and I hate every second of it

I wish I could pause the world
and reach inside myself and take my consciousness and pluck it out of me for awhile
leave the uncomfortable skin
leave the problems and pain
and float in darkness for a little while

I want someone to live inside my head
someone who knows what I’m going through
what I’ve been through
and is always there to comfort me when I need it
I want someone who won’t judge me
and see that I’m hurting
and be able to comfort me
and is never too busy to not talk
I need someone who can truly understand me
I want a friend

what even is a friend?
is it those weird aquaintances that you make just to be nice?
is it the people you enjoy being around but wouldn’t share anything personal with them?
what is friend?
what is “love” or “attraction?”
I don’t understand it

when will it all stop

when will people stop thinking they know what’s best for me!?
I am me and you are not me!
so you don’t get to decide what is and isn’t good for me!!
do you know what I’ve been through!?
how about you live through the events of last year!
In MY body.
Feeling MY emotions.
Tell me it’s “not real trauma” when the betrayal cuts so deep it draws blood!
Tell me it’s “not real trauma” when you feel your entire world crumble around you!
Tell me it’s not “real trauma” when you can’t trust anyone again!
Tell me it’s not “real trauma” when you feel the sheer hurt I went through
Tell me it’s not real when you felt the way my hands shook and the way my entire body went numb

I-

aghhuigh idek what to say I mean
I feel like I’ve been two different people throughout the course of writing this

I’m so tired

I’m so hecking tired and I want to sleep
and I want to rest
and I wanna be at peace
I wanna be a kid again

I’m so tired of the mindless zombies that surround me
I’m tired of the jocks and their idiocy; they think everything’s funny and try and turn everything into a joke. I don’t know how to explain it but I’ll know one when I meet one.

I guess it’s cuz they remind me too much of his “unfiltered” side.

I’m tired of the people sending mindless Snaps to their “friends” of the roof or the floor or of me without my permission, it’s so dumb

can’t people just be smart!?

I swear almost everyone I’ve interacted with for the past two years irl has had no common sense and no sense of empathy whatsoever.

Why don’t people care

whywhywhywhwyhwyhwyhwywhwywhwy

Why am I still complaining!?
there are people who have it so much worse then me
so my problems don’t matter right?

When will I find a sense of purpose?
When will I feel free?

When will I feel safe and comforted?

No one would notice if I were gone.
Nobody currently does
and I’ll tell you why!
they’re all fake
all.
of.
them.

There is probably three-ish people in the world who have proven they truly care about me

and everyone else is doing it for the laughs. for the funnies the memes whatever stupid made up word that they want to use to decribe “voluntarily antagonizing and manipulating a poor inoccent child because it’s funny and we’re a bunch of sadists and also you’re distancing yourself from me because I caused you trama well that’s all the more reason for me to reopen the wound because ‘haha funny dead account go brrrr’”

The people who do care… not the people who have seen the real me and stayed (for whatever reason) but the people who seem to be genuine… they’ll all change their minds when they see who I truly am… a failure

if I can’t complete a project, or even meet a goal set for the project?
if I can’t finish something I put my mind to?
if I can’t even open a serious wound on myself with nothing but my fingernails?
then I’m a failure.
look at all the mistakes I’ve made
all of the guilt knowing that it’s all
my
fault

and if it weren’t for me then maybe Canary would still be my friend
if it weren’t for me maybe I’d’ve found a way out of this by now
if it weren’t for me then I’d be normal
living a happy normal ife
with a happy normal family
in a cozy normal house
wearing normal clothes
and normal hair
with normal eyes
and a normal gender

if it weren’t for me I wouldn’t be so confused
I wouldn’t be so broken
I wouldn’t be a failure

ahaha
there’s no way that I can be considered a failure for just existing right
there’s no way that they’re teaching me that the fact that I don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction in any form is a SIN!?

how does that even BEGIN to make sense

but here I am

I AM a failure for simply existing.
All of my attempts to do ANYTHING with my life have led to failure

What would the world truly lose if it lost me?
Sure, some of my closest friends would be very sad
and that’s what got me through my hardest moment
but honestly
besides that
what do I have to lose

I need some sort of interpreter
someone who can tell me what’s going on in my head because there’s no way I can make sense of it right now

haha don’t expect to be seeing much of me around here for a bit as I have a feeling I won’t be able to get on here much… but I’ll still be there reading the replies

haha

I’m tired
I’m tired and lost and everything is foggy and cloudy and people are stupid and my taste in friends is horrible

and I’m so lonely

-??

EDIT: I managed to cry after writing this last night and it… well it felt really good haha

still doesn’t minimize my issues tho

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you know one GREAT thing that you started and completed? Something that took concentration and effort and feelings?
THIS POST HERE.

I see that you started it, completed it, posted it.
I acknowledge and applaud you for completing this project. I congratulate you on that.

You sound like you’re hurting right now, and that you wish things were different, easier. That’s valid, and we’re here if you want to ever elaborate on any of it. We’re here for you, You Matter, and i hope that you do keep sharing here when you need it. And yes, i read it all :slight_smile: You are loved, friend.

1 Like

hh tysm for your reply, Sita~

I’d love to keep replying here but it seems like everyone in my life thinks otherwise…

but thank you for your kind words you don’t know how much they’ve done for me right now

and yeah ig if you think about it that way, I did complete that, huh

anywho thank you so much Sita I really needed that rn…

-Robyn

2 Likes

It sounds like you were a once very happy soul, who was damaged by others around you, and now your brain has been intoxicated of this newfound pestilence, by the idea that you aren’t “normal”, you cant empathize with others, you arent safe, humans are inherently sadists, and so on. I don’t blame you for these feelings, in fact people are what teach us about the world. If you had bad experiences with people, then the brain will cope by teaching itself not to trust others or empathize and open up to them. But you don’t have to block yourself out, you still have a safe space you can always share emotions and empathy with: Yourself. It’s kinda like being in a pocket space, you aren’t just living in the world around you, but in yourself, so you have a good place to trust yourself, give yourself empathy, and give yourself compassion. You don’t have to get rid of those feelings, you keep them around
and can eventually can open them back up to other people when you’re ready.

No one can tell you what “real trauma” is. Your experiences are subjective and valid by your reality, so telling someone who doesn’t understand mental health all of your traumas I’d advise against unless they’re safe. Please know your experiences are important to you, so they are very valid and real.

A friend is someone you share a flower with. It’s a consenual establishment of trust, respect, and responsiblitlity. Both friends water the flower equally, always meeting in the middle. If one side feels they are watering the flower for both sides, or even going as far as overwatering it because they are eager to please, that person on the other side is likely to not be a friend. Friends are very important people, it is like welcoming a guest into your abode. Without an established trust, it is like letting in a vampire. So, make sure your friends care about you as much as you care about them.

Kids are stupid, definetly. They also like to walk into personal buisness thinking they own the place, and they know everything. Coming in for 5 mins and suddenly thinking they’re some messiah that knows everything about you, it’s all bullshit. My advice, don’t talk to kids, they’re dangerous. You can find some nice ones but they’re very rare in this day and age to not find online (as I’m pretty sure they’re all hiding from said danger), lots of kids are violent heartless animals that mindlessly excite at seeing other people get beatup and bullied. They lack self awareness and can only process so much, ecspecially in understanding people’s issues because they’re all going through their own hell and don’t know how to steer through it since they don’t even understand mental health. They lack alot of empathy because they lack critical thinking, and they can’t accept people because they don’t know what “questioning the world/self” since they were taught conformity their whole lives so can’t even begin thinking outside of the echochamber they were placed in since birth which makes them egotistical and tiring to be around because there’s nothing interesting about them. And worst of all, if you are emotional, have empathy, have trauma, and have issues, they put you in their own stupid box of what their mind can barely fathom of what mental health is. Now, you can definetly find some good people out there, but with how dangerous kids are getting these days (I mean geez…), I’d say waiting and using that time to look at the self and world, to look within and heal you and love yourself and build yourself up, find hobbies that give you more esteem that may attract better people, and overall teaching yourself how to live the best you can rather than that dumb zombie life. It’s a much more valuable way of spending time in existence.

I’m sorry you’ve been going through all this, you aren’t alone, but whenever you are, try to encourage the good things about you, be productive, don’t rely on other people’s validations, think about what’s important to you, set your boundaries when you need them, but don’t be afraid to let yourself feel things. Life can be pretty tough, and when darkness is around alot of people can spread it, you might find yourself feeling you are being sucked into it too, but remember your own light, remember that you can withstand, and remember that you can still be you, it takes time to feel again, but you are not alone. Always trust yourself.

Hopefully you’ve felt a bit better latley, remember when things are good, hold onto those memories, they are the biggest and most important save points you’ll ever have.

Stay safe,

-X

yeah this is pretty accurate

again, yep pretty much

not quite this but I definitely don’t trust people as much as I used to and anytime they do something seemingly insignificant I pull out the Infamous INFJ Door Slam™

I mean ig but my “pocket dimension” is not exactly the happiest place for me to be and also it’s more of like a whenever I feel bad emotions happening I kinda just… shove 'em down inside of me so I can look happy on the outside, so myself is not exactly the healthiest place for me to be

that’s one of the main reasons I don’t have very good irl friendships… because I put a lot of effort into friendships like the queerplatonic I am but idk it feels like not very many of my irl friends actually value the friendship/my sanity

but woa hold up I can’t do anything about that bc it’s startin to sound very very selfish of me

It’s hard to hold onto happy memories when I have some sort of awful mental filter that takes out all of the good parts whenever I get depressed…

anyways I am doing better-ish tho and I wish you safety also~

-Robyn

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These words hit home, it’s never a convenient time to cry, except alone in a forest or somewhere people won’t see. People won’t judge. People won’t say, why? Are you ok? What’s wrong…VERBALIZE why you’re crying!
Well I can’t verbalize it ok! Can you accept that? I’m afraid you can’t because these people have to have logical explanations for what you’re feeling. When often reality of feelings and painful emotions have no words.

That’s what’s painful for me, when my words have been suppressed and felt my feelings had to be pushed into the background.

I grew up with an older brother hard drug addict, so he got all the attention and I had felt like I needed to stay quiet because he needed the attention more. And Mom didn’t need any more stress from my side, the younger brother had to stay quiet and supportive.
Well that’s what I told myself anyhow. I felt so angry at my brother for continuing to live a self destructive life, but somehow my twisted form of love kept me from expressing it. “Just stop causing crisis and scaring us with your terrible risky self-destructive behavior!”. I hate it.

I’m learning to cry when the pressure builds, regardless of who I’m with or where I am. But it’s so hard. The pressure on men to “be a man” and “be strong”, is so toxic and people don’t know how to support and be there when a guy is just sad. Like a crying baby, just hold space with me, just empathize and be present. Don’t judge, and don’t force me to verbalize “what’s wrong”!

I feel like public crying should be some form of modern therapy or something, like getting a group of empathetic people together and just supporting people who need to let it out in a safe space.

Honestly only the Almighty source of life knows our thoughts and hearts better than we do.
I know how frustrating it can be to have so many questions, so many unknowns, and then getting angry at myself for not having the answers. For not knowing how to heal.

My ADHD is a big battle and I’m only scratching the surface of how this mental illness operates.
I can relate to your never finishing tasks, big ideas and small deliveries!
I hyper-focus like a madman, getting super into topics and mastering them, until my family forces me to quit it and reset to a non-obsessed state.
I really pray and hope that I can maintain a non-obsessed peaceful state that is focused on giving.
Focused on others instead of “where’s my brain buzz?”, where’s my dopamine? Where’s my pleasure?

How can people validate me? Accept me! Notice me! See, I’m good at doing X Y and Z. Love me, give me my needs. Because my ability to self-validate has been broken.

It IS HARD to be human, and hard to find an equilibrium. And most of all hard to understand ourselves.

You’re certainly not alone.

I suggest search will all your power for a true connection with the Almighty Source of life. That’s only true source of meaning and inner peace I have found. Loved by my maker, guided by my maker, disciplined by my maker. Is my only hope.

You want someone to “live in your brain” and know your thoughts?
That’s your maker, designer and loving Creator.

The one who made your scraped knee heal on it’s own when you fell down as a kid.
The one who made immune cells get to work when you felt sick.
The one who made tears for a purpose, to wash away and feel safe to let people see them. Wipe away the tears just like fresh rain causes flower to grow.
The one who keeps the heart beating and lungs loyally pumping.

What greater meaning could there be than knowing that One?

1 Like

aha you won’t believe how many times I’ve tried that…

all in all tho yea I really get what you’re saying and I wish I could hyperfocus on something enough to master it, so kudos to you! :smiley:

-Robyn

2 Likes