got a call from my mom today saying my grandma is in the hospital. she got a really bad fever and was taking medicine that wasn’t helping so she had to be hospitalized. The doctors said she’ll be okay and is recovering right now, but it’s just hard to hear I guess. I feel like I’m not there for her enough. She lives across the country so it’s not like I can just drive down whenever she needs me. I try to call but she doesn’t answer that often, and whenever she calls, I miss her calls. I just feel like there’s more I could be doing. and it’s not just with her. its with everyone. I’m not there enough. I’m trying my best, its just not good enough. i feel selfish, self-centered, annoying, uncaring. I hate this. I just feel so confused. I want to help others and care for them, but that’s hard to do when I see myself in such a low light. sometimes I just want to give up on talking to others and attempting a conversation or anything because I feel like they just don’t appreciate me or what I have to say. I don’t know, maybe this is just me venting about random things. she’s gonna be fine, and that’s all that matters I guess. maybe this is just a passing thought and I’ll feel better later? I don’t know
I’m so glad for you that the doctors said she will be okay. That is some great news!
Also, I can definitely relate to your feelings. I live in another country than my family and I often wish to be more present and able to do more for them, especially during difficult times. As for you, I end feeling selfish and uncaring. But I also realized that my personal values (taking care of others, etc.) and my requirements are sometimes too high. So when you try to take a step back from those thoughts, do you think you’re not too severe with yourself? We don’t know each others, but the way you’re writing I guess you do a lot for the people you love. Because you’re willing to and you deeply care.
Also, I realized that there were many different ways to be there and to be present, without being “there” physically. Phone calls are great but it can be frustrating when you can’t reach to each other. There are also videos, letters, postcards, little gifts sent by surprise and for absolutely no other reason than love. You don’t necessary have a reply, or immediatly, but it’s still a way to say: “hey, I’m here, I love you and I miss you.”