My head hurts

For a bit of context: My parents left for about a week and left me in charge of the house and the dog. They sort of prepared me for that the week before, leaving instructions on watering the garden and tidying up. I am not the most careful when it comes to house tidying, so I understand their apprehension.

I would also be left carless. I crashed the truck two months ago, which carries a whole ton of blame and conflict from before, and we have been moving with a lent car an aunt provided while she recovers from a surgery. The car was returned the day they left for the airport, so I am alone with the dog in a house outside of the city, with little to no public transportation and without an actual mean of moving around except a bicycle I could have used to go get groceries and such.
It was a good time to relax, and I would lie if I said that I didn’t. I was thorough on my instructions, though I missed some things on some days and had to compensate. It was also slightly rewarding. The tomatoes started turning red and I enjoyed some self-grown salad.

Overall, I was able to drift away from my involuntary thoughts, which include blaming myself for the crash and everything wrong in the family company, feeling like a bad son and like an underachieving failure of a human being.
As I said, I missed on some instructions some days, and some things that should have been done better just weren’t good enough. I knew I wasn’t going to be praised for keeping the house squeaky-clean, but I was happy with the results, as I had put the effort.

So they came back, and I don’t think I got any comment on it. I could only think that I was an ingrate who is always expecting praising for anything and started telling myself I did the bare minimum. First comment on anything comes form my mother, who tells me the kitchen wasn’t clean as it should have. Admittedly it wasn’t a perfect picture, but I had spent little under an hour before their arrival getting rid of the dishes that could make it into the washer and getting it to start. She added it was “the minimum” I should have done. Other things started piling up, like a couple of flowers I missed entirely.
And so I started to feel my thoughts kicking in.

The next day I withdrew into gaming. Not the healthiest thing to do, but there was not much else to do, to be honest. I’d spoken to my parents about their trip and there wasn’t much to add, while I’d reported on everything I had to report (including one of the gate openers which I still haven’t found and frankly have no idea where it could be).
Late in the afternoon my dad sent me a message. A video about the consumption of digital content and phones draining brains and such. He added the quote: “Shall we get to this point?”. The implication being that there wasn’t enough communication.
That simple thing made me flip. I turned off my computer and wandered around the house, not doing anything. My parents were sitting in the living room and I considered talking to them. But about what? Anything I say is always diverted to either a critical remark or implied I shouldn’t be interested in some things (I like history a lot and usually my mother says stuff like “who even knows that?” which I read as ridicule). I was feeling trapped and went to bed rather early.

So today I woke up and started my day. After I had a shower I am told my father is out to the workshop, and I presume somebody picked him up. I started working on my own load, organizing tax documents and invoices. When he comes back he comments something to my mother about being paid. I asked him who paid and he said “the scrap guy”, which I understand to be that he sold the wreck of the truck that’s been sitting in the workshop since it wasn’t insured at the time of the crash.
In order to be better informed about a new development in the story of a disaster I caused, I asked later who it was exactly that it was sold to. He gave a dodgy reply, which he does sometimes, and I insisted on knowing, telling him “Hey, I want to be involved in this, you know?” Big mistake.
He started telling me that if I wanted to be involved I would have gone to the workshop with him this morning, and I didn’t listen to anything else.

That was exactly what had been in my mind before. How anything I ask, do or tell is somehow used against me. If I had spoken about anything last night it would have led to a discussion about me gaming through the day, or that I don’t have a career (yes, weirdly, this is still a thing). Best case scenario, it would have been dismissed as uninteresting. When I asked today, instead, it ended up being about my failures, feeling like I can’t give a small step (like asking how something turned out in the end) without throwing at me a total expectation (that I should have been taking care of the wreck since the crash). On top of that, its implied almost always that it is because I don’t care, which is something I can’t measure because I don’t trust myself, always doubting my own thoughts and commitments.
After lunch I punched myself in the face. First time in months. And so now, my head hurts.

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Hey @ElMarto

I’m so very sorry that your family is not lifting you up to succeed. I can read thru this post and see a person who is trying and doesn’t get acknowledged for their efforts but only criticized for little things.

I really want you to not be discouraged by the rude and callous treatment of your parents. I think some folks really are not able to see bright sides to anything and only see mistakes. I know that you are a worthwhile person and that your efforts to do better and be involved do matter.

I hope that in the future you are able to find people around you who can appreciate you and treasure you for what do you provide. Maybe at a future date you will be able to move out from under your parent’s critical gaze. Until that date, please know we are here for you. Please try not to hurt yourself. When you do that, the negativity wins.

It’s ok to have an escape activity, just try not to let it use up all your time and become a bad habit. Switch things up, go for walks or listen to music, meditate, exercise, read, etc.

Anyways again want to reiterate we are here for you if you need to rant or talk it out, anytime :slight_smile: <3 Mish

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One thing I would like to recommend to you is to find someone that is a professional that you trust to talk to about all of the things you are going through. It might take some time to find that person, but I promise you that it will be worth it. I can only imagine all of the emotions that you are experiencing right now & how much of a burden that can be for you.

You are an amazing human being. You deserve to be heard through this season of life. Life can be rough & tough, but it also can be beautiful. You deserve that kind of beauty in your life.

You are strong. You are valid. You are enough.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi @ElMarto I’m sorry you are in this situation with your parents. I’m sorry they didn’t appreciate keeping the house in order while they were gone, that really sucks. You prob did your best and if you were my kid I would have appreciated you. I hope that you can find peace and just know that you are enough. ~Mystrose

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From: twixremix

hey elmarto! i’m happy to be able to hear from you again after a few months, thank you for posting here and letting us in to support you. it hurts my heart to know the lack of appreciation, communication, and respect you are given by your family right now. it sounds to me like there is a gap in communication and i hope with everything i got that you and your parents can sit down all together and genuinely have an open dialogue about how this all has made you feel. and with all sides to a story, i know your parents will be able to voice their own experience from their own side (maybe work stresses or coming back from the trip is weighing heavily, causing them to take it out on you). in the meantime though, use your room as you are as a safe haven from all the stresses of life. just like you had time to decompress from the car and business worries when caring for the house, i hope you can find more of that time to focus on the positives or even nothing at all. sending you so many comforting wishes and love, my friend. you are loved, valued, and so appreciated and your heartsupport community is always here for you. love, twix

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you so much for posting, firstly can i say how sorry I am that you are being made to feel so worthless and unappricialted because you are neither, you are a thoughful, kind caring young person trying your best in very difficult circumstances and you deserve to be treated with love and respect and if you are doing your best and it does not reach the standards expected by someone else does not reflect on you, it reflects on them and not in a good way. I am worried however how you are handling these understandable moments of stress, hurting yourself is not the answer, you are punishing yourself because other people are treating you badly. You have to stop hurting yourself my friend, is there any other way you can think to get your frustrations or anger out? it could be worth trying to find different ways to do that, that dont involve physical harm. You are worth so much more than that. Please stay in touch and let us know how you are. we care about you. You are loved here, you have friends. Much Love Lisa. x

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Welcome back, ElMarto! Thank you for sharing with us. You are not a failure of a human being, I want to make sure you know that. You are a person experiencing life and dealing with a home life that seems like it isn’t always fulfilling or supportive.

I’m sorry you and your parents don’t seem able to communicate. Have you tried telling them how you feel about how they treat you? I hope you can find a way to talk to them about what’s going on with you.

It sounds like the time alone you had was really beneficial to you and I hope you can strike out on your own as soon as you are able. It sounds like you would do well out in the world on your own. Until then are there any ways you could sometimes get away from home for a few days on occasion? Visit and friend or relative? Or if you like animals you could hand out some flyers to neighbours offering pet and house sitting services when they go on vacations. I used that to get away from my parents sometimes. You get the opportunity to make some money while practicing living alone and taking care of yourself. It can be very freeing.

I hope you find some solace from the pain you are feeling that doesn’t involve physical pain. Hitting yourself is not a solution; it just causes more pain.
Good luck, friend. Don’t be a stranger to the community :slight_smile: :hrtlegolove:

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Just wanted to thank you all for your words. They were really needed back then.
Luckily I’ve not had any other situation in which I feel I am getting an unfair treatment in the manner I described before. Though I know my mind is looking for any trace of it. I am struggling not to respond harshly to my mother when she uses a tone of voice I perceive as frustrated or aggressive, and I do believe my father is giving me some space, which I appreciate a lot.
I will make sure to bring this up with my therapist next week. I do think something on this line was already brought up before, so it might be something systematic. Maybe, I don’t know.
I really wanted to sit down and talk about this with them, but I don’t feel I can. I’ve tried before, and I usually end up feeling like I am the cause for everything. Which I understand from a perspective of having control over one’s life, but when it seems to be a never-ending situation it feels like being sick and beyond any cure. Either I am terrible at driving the point through or they just think in a way that doesn’t allow me.
Thinking back to the moment I punched myself in the face it’s a mixture of many feelings I had been able to control until then. Mostly an explosive rage that I need to bring out somehow and quick. Since I had bad experiences expressing that rage otherwise (damaging property or acting in a way that makes my family angry at me) I drive it towards myself.
Anyway, I am still trying to figure out what has happened and trying to put as many mental barriers as I can to restrain myself from doing it again. At least until next week’s session. Thank you all for your help.

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