In October 2017 I tried to kill myself. While in the emergency room that night the doctors discovered that I had severe hypoxia. (very very low blood oxygen levels) I was in a regular hospital for two weeks while they tried to find the issue causing the hypoxia. Finally when that two weeks was up I had no thoughts of suicide or homicide.
Fast forward to May 2019 I experienced my first psychotic episode since that night in October 2017. Between May and June I was derailed and couldn’t control myself and others didn’t know what to do with me. I was taken to the ER on June 3rd and they once again admitted me for the severe hypoxia.
The doctors can’t find out what’s causing the hypoxia but it has been a consensus between both the psychiatric team and the medical doctors that much of my psychiatric issues lately have been caused by the severe hypoxia. Thus I’m in a cycle that is ever repeating.
I’m on 5 liters of oxygen consistently through a mask and I have to carry oxygen with me wherever I go. Even with this constant flow of oxygen I’m only getting to 88 - 90 % of o2 saturation where I should be anywhere between 95 - 100% saturation.
I’m going back to see the pulmonary specialist this coming Wednesday and she’ll tell me they need to do more tests. I’m tired of being poked and prodded by all of these doctors. They did a cardiac catheterization through the artery in the right side of my neck and I was AWAKE through the entire experience.
I say all of this just as a lead up. I have no energy and no will to live. The lack of energy has turned me into a hermit. I have no willpower to get up in the mornings and go to church on the weekends. I want to die and let it be done but I know that that kind of talk is what will get me right back into a psych ward. Just really unsure where to go from here.