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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to a 45 by Shinedown
My heart goes out to you,
When I was 10, my 16 year old sister tried offering me money to let her kill herself. She had asked me for help opening a bottle of pills and I realized what she was trying to do.. I took them away as she pleaded with me to let her. I was unable to call for help, as she wouldn't let me use the phone. Fortunately, her friend called the police. I was so confused, dumbfounded and utterly emotionally destroyed as I watched my mom and older sister arrive home just as the EMTs were loading her in the ambulance. They pulled me out of class the next day to speak to a counselor they had come in from the high school.
Fast forward 24 years. My best friend since 3rd grade shot himself in the head with a .30-06 rifle on his 25th birthday. Horrifyingly, he was discovered by his i5 year old son. Well, that f'n broke me. News of my first child being conceived came soon after,. The due date was not only my best friends birthdate, but also his day of death. I thought the birth of a child would lift me up from my despair, but I couldn't have been more wrong. It completely gutted my personality and left me a shell of my former self. I was an outgoing, fun loving, people person with many good friends. I turned inward, literally pushed all my friends away and dove deep into a decade long Opiate addiction that robbed me of my life and loved ones, and robbed my now 2 kids of a mentally present father. I just worked myself to death and was trapped inside my own mind when I was at home. I finally got the courage and the will to kick the addiction, but the damage was done, and I'm still picking up the pieces. I am now 46, and yet I'm still haunted by memories of a life that ended to early. He had the most amazing, boyish, infectious laugh that I can still hear today, and from the outside, one would think he had everything going for him. He was extremely handsome, charming, caring, pretty much had all the qualities most people would be thrilled to even have a couple of. Women swooned like you wouldn’t believe, he had a wonderful adoptive mother many good friends and fairly well off financially. I looked up to him, I admired and admittedly envied him and every way. When he gave up, it scared the sh*t out of me. If someone that I wished I could emulate, at times wished I could Freaky Friday his life for mine, thought life wasn't worth living, then what the actual f**& shot did I have.
Now, as I type this, I feel like I'm once again on the precipice of disaster. Life has been brutally hard on my family the last three and a half years, Almost on a weekly basis, my loved ones, my whole reason for waking up in the morning mention suicide as a viable alternative to the hand we've been dealt. To do this, especially knowing how my life has been seriously affected from suicide, is absolutely, unfathomably, tearing me apart. My oldest is 20, and MTF Transgendered, and is starting to scare me as well. She is really struggling, and no matter how supportive we are, it's just not enough. The fact that she is statistically far more likely to commit suicide leaves little time for my mind to rest...
I apologize for the longwinded novella, dang ADHD lol. but if you made it this far, first I commend you for your patience, then I would like to implore you or anyone who has or may think of suicide as the only way out, please, please, take the time to reflect on what that choice would do to those you love. It has rippling, crippling effect that can literally infect and follow them and those they love for decades.. Ask me how I know... I wish you all the best, and remember the wise words of Tupac, "Gotta Keep your Head UP". 💯❤