My heart is confused :/

[Lufis]

To be very honest, I have no idea how to write this…but let’s go.
Just to give a little bit of context. I am 27 and live with my “wife” (we live together but didn’t get marry) and our cat. We are together for 5 and half years.
We love and respect each other but we aren’t physically attracted… We simply don’t have sex anymore. Actually we never had a lot of sex this entire period together.
Before her (2 years before her), I had the most exciting time of my life. I met a girl that everything with her was special to me…every single thing. I truly loved her.
That time I was a completely different person…I was a very romantic person that loved to play and sing a song to tell her how I loved her…I also wrote love letters! Things that I don’t do anymore (and have never done again after her)
It’s like I feel that I was really alive with her, with all my feelings in display.
The problem was that we were too unstable…we fought a lot for silly things and broke up many times (and then got back after a short period of time). When eventually we decided to break up for good (the main reason started because she had to move to another state, really far from where I was living).
After that, to “forget” her, I ended up doing bad things like drinking a lot, smoking, hooking out with girls that I didn’t quite know…Until I met the person I am with today.
And it’s like the opposite. We are stable! But I don’t have the things that made me feel alive like before. I actually catch myself thinking and even dreaming about the ex… And how I missed her and the time we were together.
I am really confused… I want to feel alive again, I want to have the will to show my feelings again, to be the person who I once was.

She (the actual) keeps saying that she loves me, that she wants to be with me forever but I am not sure if I want the same anymore. I really want to find a way out and end this relationship…but I don’t want to hurt her. I hate seeing her crying. I just don’t know what to do, but I don’t want to feel empty like this anymore. Being honest, I felt this way since the beginning…but I was just too “lazy” to break up and just kept it going…I was looking for stability.
She gave me a lot of things (directly and indirectly). I got my first job because of her and I was able to move to another country because of this first job. Also she helped a lot with my english learning and a lot of other things that I needed support. She is an awesome person and I can’t help but feel really bad about all this situation.

I can’t deny. I still miss the ex. But…In the meantime, she got married and had 2 children.
She says that she has never really forgotten me as well. I know she’s been some hardship in her relationship and already thought about divorce.
For my head this is like: “that’s the time! you should do the same and get back to her”. But then I thought about my how hard it would be to break up my own relationship and also that the ex has 2 children…things like that aren’t easy!
Yesterday we talked a lot (me and the ex - sorry if it’s hard to keep up with who I am talking about lol), and she very briefly mentioned that she wants to see me again…that she would be open to what could happen between us again.

That’s it… I just wanted to vent, you don’t need to reply if don’t want to!
I am just…confused…that’s the word.

[SheetMetalHead]

I understand feeling alive in an unstable relationship, and disappointed in a stable one. The girl I was with before I met my wife pulled me out of my shell and really made me feel alive for the first and only time in my life. Like you though, we were on and off, and I was codependent on her. She was like a drug to me, someone that made me feel alive, and someone I never wanted to lose because I didn’t want to lose that feeling.

I feel safe with my wife. She was the first person to fully accept me, with all my faults, even more than my own mother. That’s why I fell in love with her. That was 4 years ago. The magic has faded into routine, but I’ve learned that lasting love is a choice, not a feeling. I wake up every morning and choose to love my wife. I also continue to set aside quality time and plan fun activities, and we do those things with purpose. A weekend getaway is more than just for fun, it’s for us to reconnect. A movie night isn’t just watching a movie, it’s spending quality time doing an activity together. Those are choices we make, and things we say out loud to affirm them.

Sometimes it hurts me to know that I had more fun with my ex (two of them actually) than my wife. I feel like I gave the best of myself to them, and my wife wound up with the leftovers. However, I love her and treasure her, and I try my best to give her the best of who I am now.

There was a time early on where I wasn’t sure what I would do if my ex showed up at my door in that mint green dress I loved so much to say she was sorry and she wanted another chance. I missed the high I got with her. That’s changed. I realize now that I miss the idea of her. I miss the good times, the fun, the crazy nights. What I don’t miss are the cheating, lying, fear of commitment, and lack of trust, which are all things that don’t just go away. Like a drug, the feeling with her was great, but the collateral damage was greater. When you talk with your ex, remember the bad times along with the good.

As for your wife, there are a few things to consider. Your commitment shouldn’t be a transaction. You don’t owe it to her to stay with her because she’s done good things for you, but you also shouldn’t leave over things that she isn’t doing for you. Your commitment should be a choice with no strings attached. That said, if you can’t commit to her anymore, you’re doing more harm than good by dragging it out to spare her feelings. It’s an insult, really. There is no good way to end a relationship. You need to call it off, see her pain, and accept that you’ve broken her heart because it’s healthier for you. Before you do that though, you need to decide if it really is healthier. You can’t take back a breakup. Even if you wind up getting back together, the trust has been damaged and needs to be rebuilt.

Decide what’s healthiest for you, and nurture that. If your relationship with your wife is something worth fighting for, then fight for it. Couples counseling would be a good idea to learn better communication. I’d also recommend reading “The Four Seasons of Marriage” by Gary Chapman. A forever commitment isn’t always fun, no matter who it’s with. Usually it’s mundane, and sometimes it’s terrible. However, every phase of your relationship gives you growth opportunities. If you decide it’s healthier for you to leave your wife, then do it and commit to it, but before you do, think really hard and realistically about if life is better off with someone else or no one at all. It sounds like you’re feeling this way because your needs for good sex and crazy fun aren’t being met, and that is valid; but you need to temper your expectations with your wife’s personality. She is not the same as your ex, and that should be a very good thing.

I hope that answers some questions. I’m not sure if I hit on everything, but I’m happy to talk more about it with you. I can relate to your struggle, but I always hope good relationships can be successful.

[Lufis]

I can’t thank you enough for taking your time to write all of this.

Sometimes it hurts me to know that I had more fun with my ex (two of them actually) than my wife. I feel like I gave the best of myself to them, and my wife wound up with the leftovers. However, I love her and treasure her, and I try my best to give her the best of who I am now.

What you said here represents what I feel.
What hurts me the most is that in the end I know that my wife doesn’t deserve the version of me that I am with her. I was much more before, like I said, I miss the old me.
I also have no idea if I will ever be the same person of who I was. Sure I won’t, of course we are always changing. But feelings can be brought back, I guess. And maybe these feelings that I am missing can reignite what I had.

There was a time early on where I wasn’t sure what I would do if my ex showed up at my door in that mint green dress I loved so much to say she was sorry and she wanted another chance. I missed the high I got with her. That’s changed. I realize now that I miss the idea of her. I miss the good times, the fun, the crazy nights. What I don’t miss are the cheating, lying, fear of commitment, and lack of trust, which are all things that don’t just go away. Like a drug, the feeling with her was great, but the collateral damage was greater. When you talk with your ex, remember the bad times along with the good.

In my situation, my ex never cheated on me (at least that’s what she says) and I didn’t too. We were unstable because we were unprepared for a relationship. Too much jealousness, insecurities and so on. But one thing I truly know, that relationship made me stronger, made me realised many points that I failed in the previous ones and what I could improve for the next. And I think that I could use these lessons to build something again that makes me feel stable but at the same time gives me the good feelings I miss.
Maybe I am just a naive person for thinking like that…

The difficult part for me to break up is that…my wife never really gave me any reason to that! It all comes down to my feelings, not something that she’s done.
We never talked about breaking up, even when we had conversations about our lack of sex… We just say “we’ll figure it out.”.

I can’t think about seeing her suffering. She doesn’t deserve. She doesn’t have anyone besides me where we live now (another country). She’d have to get back to her parent’s home, and she hates her father. She doesn’t work. She doesn’t have a graduation. It’s like I am dumping her and letting her to suffer for even more than just the breakup. Also she stopped her medications 2 years ago, this could trigger again another crisis on her.

And actually, if she knew what I’ve done to her…she would maybe break up for me. I have to admit. I cheated on her. Not only one time. Not two. I never thought that I’d ever do that to someone. But I just couldn’t control. And this has something to do what you said about my sex desires and fun not being met.

The worst part of it is… I have no regrets. It just shows to me that I continued with a relationship that I wasn’t giving my best anymore.
That’s why I am saying that I don’t like what I am today. And I’d want to start over. Do the things right with someone that makes me feel alive.

Please, don’t think I am a douchebag or something like that because I cheated on her. It was weak from my side and I don’t want to do it again. Ever.

Writing all of this made me also realise that it is not all about my ex and my feelings for her…but actually the will to start over, even alone. Maybe the ex is not being truly honest as well when she says that she would be opened arms to me.

I just wanna feel whole again. And that’s killing me.
Will I figure all of this out?

Thanks man. Really.

[SheetMetalHead]

You’ll spend your whole life figuring it out. Relationships and marriages don’t get easier, and anyone who thinks they’ve got it figured out and stops working on it eventually lets it fall into decay. My in-laws got divorced after 38 years together because they didn’t put in the work and let their marriage get stale. It was a huge eye-opener for me and my wife, and showed us that we should never put our marriage on cruise control.

@Lufis

Please, don’t think I am a douchebag or something like that because I cheated on her. It was weak from my side and I don’t want to do it again. Ever.

It is really easy for people to point fingers at cheaters and say they’re bad. One thing I heard before, and something that I’m reminded of every time I visit this page, is that you can’t hate someone if you know their story. Every cheater I’ve talked to, even my exes, had needs that weren’t being met. That doesn’t excuse the cheating or make it hurt less for the other person, but there were factors that led to it.

I don’t like talking about this, but it’s important to share my experience. Three months after I got married, I made out with another girl at a pool party. I was drunk, so my inhibitions were low, but that’s not the reason I did it. I did it for self-validation. Even being married, even having been in a few long-term relationships, I believed that I was undesirable and that my relationships were just flukes. Like you, I was also uneasy because our sex life isn’t great. When I told my wife and processed through it with her, I took a few things away. I know I am desirable, to other women but most importantly to my wife. I betrayed her trust to prove something to myself, but found that it wasn’t necessary after all. Attraction to others is normal and natural, it’s what brings people together, but I learned that I have to be careful with that or it can get away from me. It feels really good to be desired, to flirt, to make connections, but it’s important to not get caught up in it when you have something bigger at stake.

Today, I’m trying to be aware of casual attraction. It’s been tough, and it hasn’t been fun, but it’s important to me. I try to acknowledge that it is risky instead of denying or downplaying the risk, and I try to remind myself that I am desirable without trying to prove it to myself. It’s been an exercise in positive affirmation, which doesn’t come easy to people with low self-worth. It’s been really slow and difficult, but it’s helped me build some self-confidence in ways that flirting never did.

[Lufis]

Hi @SheetMetalHead
just wanted to thank you again. Your words and experience definitely helped me and I could finally come clean with everything I feel. We broke up and we did it together, after a loooong conversation.
I feel that I did the right thing and she thinks too. It’s really good to me to feel that I was mature enough to say everything I said to her, to really open up my heart. She ended up doing the same, and I found it that this is what she wanted as well…she was like me in the end, not knowing how/when to do it.
We are still friends and we’re doing all we can to support each other right now. She’s moving and I am giving her all the tools she needs to start over. And I will too. That’s what I needed.

Thanks. This conversation here has made me realise a lot of things and it was just a matter of putting my thoughts in order and to create the courage to do it.

About the ex. We’ve been talking. But I made sure I was going to do what I did for myself, not for anyone else.
If we keep talking, we’ll eventually want to be together once again. Let’s see, right? Life’s unpredictable.
I will pursue my happiness. If we end up together, good. But if not, then let it be. I’ll turn the page for once and keep searching.

Cheers!