To be very honest, I have no idea how to write this…but let’s go.
Just to give a little bit of context. I am 27 and live with my “wife” (we live together but didn’t get marry) and our cat. We are together for 5 and half years.
We love and respect each other but we aren’t physically attracted… We simply don’t have sex anymore. Actually we never had a lot of sex this entire period together.
Before her (2 years before her), I had the most exciting time of my life. I met a girl that everything with her was special to me…every single thing. I truly loved her.
That time I was a completely different person…I was a very romantic person that loved to play and sing a song to tell her how I loved her…I also wrote love letters! Things that I don’t do anymore (and have never done again after her)
It’s like I feel that I was really alive with her, with all my feelings in display.
The problem was that we were too unstable…we fought a lot for silly things and broke up many times (and then got back after a short period of time). When eventually we decided to break up for good (the main reason started because she had to move to another state, really far from where I was living).
After that, to “forget” her, I ended up doing bad things like drinking a lot, smoking, hooking out with girls that I didn’t quite know…Until I met the person I am with today.
And it’s like the opposite. We are stable! But I don’t have the things that made me feel alive like before. I actually catch myself thinking and even dreaming about the ex… And how I missed her and the time we were together.
I am really confused… I want to feel alive again, I want to have the will to show my feelings again, to be the person who I once was.
She (the actual) keeps saying that she loves me, that she wants to be with me forever but I am not sure if I want the same anymore. I really want to find a way out and end this relationship…but I don’t want to hurt her. I hate seeing her crying. I just don’t know what to do, but I don’t want to feel empty like this anymore. Being honest, I felt this way since the beginning…but I was just too “lazy” to break up and just kept it going…I was looking for stability.
She gave me a lot of things (directly and indirectly). I got my first job because of her and I was able to move to another country because of this first job. Also she helped a lot with my english learning and a lot of other things that I needed support. She is an awesome person and I can’t help but feel really bad about all this situation.
I can’t deny. I still miss the ex. But…In the meantime, she got married and had 2 children.
She says that she has never really forgotten me as well. I know she’s been some hardship in her relationship and already thought about divorce.
For my head this is like: “that’s the time! you should do the same and get back to her”. But then I thought about my how hard it would be to break up my own relationship and also that the ex has 2 children…things like that aren’t easy!
Yesterday we talked a lot (me and the ex - sorry if it’s hard to keep up with who I am talking about lol), and she very briefly mentioned that she wants to see me again…that she would be open to what could happen between us again.
That’s it… I just wanted to vent, you don’t need to reply if don’t want to!
I am just…confused…that’s the word.