My life is chaotic but I'm trying to move it in the right direction (somewhat failing tragically)

Long post and I apologize for it in advance:

I know it’s been forever ago since I last posted, but I need to. My journal doesn’t talk back :unamused:. So I thought I was doing great as far as raising my three children and working, but it’s been stressful and tiresome. The twins’ dad (who by the way is not the cousin who assaulted me) was helping out from the 7 month mark. I thought I made a good decision not to put him on child support, but I think he played me with trying to be sweet and sh*t. Well as soon as that process was over he became overbearing with his demands, but also he wasn’t really helping out. We got into a few debate but resolved them.

Well we had a heated argument because he said to me “you seem to think your job is done when I come around.” all because I didn’t help him load the car after I had spent the whole morning getting the kids together, packing the diaper back, getting their pack and play bed broken down, making their bottles, and then getting myself ready for work. We had a heated argument about that for a while week.

It was to the point where I had a complete mental collapse and consider homicide/suicide. Because of how I felt and my panic attack fighting the thoughts and urges unsuccessfully, I called 9 11 on myself and was admitted for a 5/6 day stay. I went in catatonic (only wearing a nightgown; no shoes or anything else), had several extreme mood swings that made my stay from 3 nights to 5 nights to 6 days. My medication administered, adjusted, and readjusted again. My diagnosis also changed from bipolar II to bipolar I with non-psychotic features, adjustment disorder with mixed disturbances of emotions and conduct, and 3 other diagnosis.

Was able to get the twins’ dad to understand my mental health and why I needed his help with the children and why I constantly checking in with my therapist and psychiatrist. Well when I told him I was done needing around with him and being his friend and expressed that we should strictly co-parent, he got mad. He got a girlfriend (not a problem) and had her around or children (still not a huge concern or problem). But one day he brought her in the car with him when he was dropping the twins off. He did not introduce her she didn’t Ingrid herself and she gave me funny looks the whole time. Because of this I felt like I’d she ever really had a problem with me she knew where I lived and could come and start a problem. Well I politely asked him not bring her to my home and expressed I had no problem with her being around the children because it was our kids my control and not my place to say that to him. Well he lost his sh*t and went off through text. When he came to drop the twins off he went off on me again telling me his he’d do whatever he want however he wanted wherever he wanted. Well I asked him to leave and ask u was closing my door he shoved it open and then shoved me back to my dining room table in front of our children.

Well remember the adjustment disorder? Remember I said three other diagnosis? One of those is anger management issues. I started screaming at him to get out and my parents (neighbors) heard the door. As I was pacing my floor trying to deescalate, I heard him screaming at my parents making threats of beating my a** or having his girlfriend do it.

Well I snapped and impulsively grabbed a 2x3 and smashed out one of the car windows. I dropped the 2x3 and chased him around the parking lot yelling at him about putting his hands on me. Well he called the cops and boom my first ever offense.

So I’m stressed over that even though they are offering me a 2 year probational period for people with mental health issues (aka a case manager, a probation officer, tons of therapy, and random drug test). I’m also stressed about this guy at work pissing me off everytime we work together because he’s mad because I asked him to leave my home after giving him shelter for 2 months. I had to ask him to leave because he has a warrant that I thought he got cleared up and he smokes marijuana and with me going on probation that’s a huge no no.

I’m working so hard on these anger management issues and it’s difficult and makes me want to cry. When I got upset before it would turn into depression, but now it’s nothing but anger. I’m just so tired of doing the right things when really I just want to harm everyone and everything. Fighting these thought are getting harder by the second and I can’t take it or hold it in anymore.

I have court tomorrow and either they’ll allow me to do this probation or my alternatives is 30 days jail time or 500 dollar fee or both. :triumph::triumph::triumph:

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I can’t imagine. I am really proud of you for taking the steps to take care of you. Praying for things to get better. That maybe you can get away from him and things will work out. I’m rooting for you.

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