Hy there,
I’ve been a Christian for about 10 years now. Unfortunately I never broke free from my addiction to porn and masturbation. I’ve tried everything to solve this issue. I got rid of my smartphone, I had internet filters and accountability software installed but I always found a way to bypass them. I even went to Bible school for 3 years to have a good environment that doesn’t trigger and support my addiction. But even at Bible school I found ways to bypass the school internet filter. I even had no internet connection for about a year but that left me craving for sex so much that I did what I never thought I would: I had sex with prostitutes. When I first joined my current church I asked my pastor for help. He did everything he could but he can’t help me cuz we tried everything that he knows could work, but unfortunately none of the things that he recommended me to do gave me lasting freedom. I’ve done all these things that I mentioned earlier when I was already a Christian. It’s no wonder that my relationship with God has never been good all these years because how can you possibly grow spiritually when you constantly abuse the beautiful gift of sex and by that making God and the Holy Spirit within you sad?
For one year I struggled with the assurance of my salvation and I still struggle with that somehow. When I look into the Bible and look at what preachers say are indicators that one is a Christian then i have to confess that I feel no love for my brothers and sisters in Christ. My Bible reading and prayer has become very rare and if I read the Bible and pray then only after some minutes I let myself distracted by other stuff.
Most of my day now feels as if I am not a Christian. But when I give into my addiction and into my lustful passions I somehow feel very bad. I often tend to think that I can’t be a Christian. I don’t donate to my church, I don’t enjoy the company of other Christians, I just feel empty and hopeless. I have often thought about suicide but what keeps me from killing myself is the fear of going to hell after my death.
I went to a counselor some months ago, and he said that the problem with porn and masturbation is not the problem itself. He said that it’s an indicator of a different underlying problem. He said that the problem has to do with my childhood. My dad never gave me a good view of my heavenly father. He said that God is love, yes. But my dad always told me to have blind obedience towards him (towards my dad). Blind obedience in the sense that I had to obey him simply because he said so. If I didn’t agree then he would get mad at me and just leave the room never to talk to me again for the rest of the day. In short: My dad always told me that I had to, had to, had to. And unfortunately I applied this mindset and idea to my view of God too. I know that God is loving, merciful and kind. But I don’t feel that. My head knows all of these things but my heart didn’t grasp those aspects of God yet.
I also have a dream to become a full-time metal musician. But I just started with learning and playing guitar in 2016. Because of the full-time job that I have (which has nothing to do with music at all), I don’t have so much time learning guitar and pursuing my dream. And my failures at playing guitar and my whole situation leaves me without motivation to go on and to fulfill the calling of God on my life to become a full-time metal musician and making a diffference in this world through music by writing Christian songs/lyrics.
I just don’t know to whom I should turn. I don’t have so much money to go to that professional counselor that I already mentioned all the time so I thought I’d turn to you, Heart Support.
Please help me. I really don’t know what to do. I feel so empty, numb, hopeless. My life just seems meaningless when I look at it.
