My life is pure chaos

Hy there,
I’ve been a Christian for about 10 years now. Unfortunately I never broke free from my addiction to porn and masturbation. I’ve tried everything to solve this issue. I got rid of my smartphone, I had internet filters and accountability software installed but I always found a way to bypass them. I even went to Bible school for 3 years to have a good environment that doesn’t trigger and support my addiction. But even at Bible school I found ways to bypass the school internet filter. I even had no internet connection for about a year but that left me craving for sex so much that I did what I never thought I would: I had sex with prostitutes. When I first joined my current church I asked my pastor for help. He did everything he could but he can’t help me cuz we tried everything that he knows could work, but unfortunately none of the things that he recommended me to do gave me lasting freedom. I’ve done all these things that I mentioned earlier when I was already a Christian. It’s no wonder that my relationship with God has never been good all these years because how can you possibly grow spiritually when you constantly abuse the beautiful gift of sex and by that making God and the Holy Spirit within you sad?

For one year I struggled with the assurance of my salvation and I still struggle with that somehow. When I look into the Bible and look at what preachers say are indicators that one is a Christian then i have to confess that I feel no love for my brothers and sisters in Christ. My Bible reading and prayer has become very rare and if I read the Bible and pray then only after some minutes I let myself distracted by other stuff.
Most of my day now feels as if I am not a Christian. But when I give into my addiction and into my lustful passions I somehow feel very bad. I often tend to think that I can’t be a Christian. I don’t donate to my church, I don’t enjoy the company of other Christians, I just feel empty and hopeless. I have often thought about suicide but what keeps me from killing myself is the fear of going to hell after my death.
I went to a counselor some months ago, and he said that the problem with porn and masturbation is not the problem itself. He said that it’s an indicator of a different underlying problem. He said that the problem has to do with my childhood. My dad never gave me a good view of my heavenly father. He said that God is love, yes. But my dad always told me to have blind obedience towards him (towards my dad). Blind obedience in the sense that I had to obey him simply because he said so. If I didn’t agree then he would get mad at me and just leave the room never to talk to me again for the rest of the day. In short: My dad always told me that I had to, had to, had to. And unfortunately I applied this mindset and idea to my view of God too. I know that God is loving, merciful and kind. But I don’t feel that. My head knows all of these things but my heart didn’t grasp those aspects of God yet.

I also have a dream to become a full-time metal musician. But I just started with learning and playing guitar in 2016. Because of the full-time job that I have (which has nothing to do with music at all), I don’t have so much time learning guitar and pursuing my dream. And my failures at playing guitar and my whole situation leaves me without motivation to go on and to fulfill the calling of God on my life to become a full-time metal musician and making a diffference in this world through music by writing Christian songs/lyrics.

I just don’t know to whom I should turn. I don’t have so much money to go to that professional counselor that I already mentioned all the time so I thought I’d turn to you, Heart Support.

Please help me. I really don’t know what to do. I feel so empty, numb, hopeless. My life just seems meaningless when I look at it.

Hi friend,
Thanks so much for sharing.
I understand it can be so hard to break free of this. But know that the road of recovery isn’t always easy. It’s hard, there are setbacks. But the beauty of it, is that God promises to be with us through it all. It may not always feel like that and sometimes yeah we fall. But i guess its in those moments that we really gotta grab a hold of God the most. It may not feel like He’s there, maybe it feels like He doesn’t care anymore. But the Truth is that He does sooo much. He wants to come into our brokenness, our messiness. That’s really what Christmas is all about. God coming down into the messiness of human life. And not just humanity in general, but each of us individually. I feel God gets happy when we invite Him into the places where it’s dark and maybe cause it’s there that something(s) really, really beautiful can grow. You’re not alone friend. The truth is your not. I struggle with lust too and I’m Christian. It’s hard. Sometimes i feel like God won’t forgive me this time or that He’s just kinda like “whatever, i’ll forgive you cause it’s My nature to forgive.” And that is just such a huge, huge lie. He’s so merciful. Each breath you and I take is because of His Mercy, His Grace, Him. He’s a loving, perfect Father unlike how our earthly dads can be sometimes. He is Perfect. Where our earthly fathers fail, He’s there to pick us up and show us what a perfect, loving Father truly is. The road isn’t always easy. But I promise you, He’s there. He cares soo much. He wants to help you. Don’t be afraid to invite Him in, He’s waiting with open arms. He’ll guide you if you let Him buddy. I believe in you. and most importantly God believes in you. You can overcome this. Remember Philippians 4:13 :wink:
praying for you friend! I believe in you! :metal::muscle:
p.s. i think it’s awesome that you wanna be a metal musician! haha so do I!! Maybe you can write songs about what your experiencing. Like pour out you heart in it. I found that songwriting helps a lot too :slight_smile:
And thought i share this song

oh and maybe this might help!

I appreciate you trying to help me out but I already mentioned that those internet filters and accountability software doesn’t work for me at all cuz you can uninstall them very easily.

If you think if your God can’t love you because you masturbate or watch porn then you must be mistaken the Christian God with some other God.

(My personal beef with Christianity was never with its God. It was with its Followers & the doctrine that purported that humanity was inherently evil.)