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My life is ruined, i can’t do this anymore

i keep having disgusting thoughts, over and over again. it stresses me out, i can’t eat or sleep. i don’t even think i deserve to.

i thought i was getting better, i had a sorta good day yesterday, and immediately woke up with disgusting thoughts. if these thoughts are real and not ocd, i don’t think i deserve to live.

i know when i was on my meds i didn’t think disgusting thoughts anymore and when i did, it was easier to let go. so i’m thinking it’s ocd, but i can’t help but think it’s all real and i’m a monster.

i’m going to open up to my therapist about everything and hopefully she’ll say i’m a normal person. but i’m so scared to do it. i feel like i can’t enjoy anything if i’m actually a disgusting person.

i don’t know who i am anymore. my whole life has been filled with trauma and anxiety, but these past three years have been the worst years in my life ever.

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Hi there @limeytea - sorry to hear about everything you are going through, but I am super proud of you for being ready to brave telling everything to your therapist. I imagine that could be really helpful for them to validate and treat you the best way possible.

You are not a disgusting person, but I know your thoughts are making you feel that way I understand that. I think that we can sometimes let ourselves get caught up in our mental health so much that it makes us feel as if that is what defines us. But I think this warrants the same perspective I might offer someone with anxiety and depression; your mental health is not who you are, it is only a part of you. You deserve love, support, and to care for yourself.

Thank you again for being a part of our community, being honest with us, and allowing us the opportunity to support you. I look forward to hearing about how your session goes. Take care of yourself :hrtlegolove:

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i really appreciate your response, thank you❤️

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My pleasure- thank you for being a part of my life!

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The fact that you’re able to make this distinction is enormously important! The flip side is if your thoughts are OCD and not real, you deserve to live! It sounds like you already know that your OCD haunts you with demons, and you know that even though those demons are scary they’re not real. Reminding yourself they’re not real won’t make you feel better immediately, but it will give you hope. There’s hope for tomorrow, hope for next week, hope your counseling session, on and on. If they’re not real, they can be overcome.

I’m doing a recovery program through my church. One interesting, freeing notion is that we’re all sinners in God’s eyes. No one is less of a sinner than anyone else, we’re all the same. We’re all “disgusting people;” and if we’re all disgusting, then none of us is really worse than anyone else. It also means no one is better than anyone else. Susie Do-Good who founded a nonprofit and adopted a one-armed Ugandan boy is no better than you because she’s still a human and still fundamentally sinful or flawed.

People may think they’re better than you, but that’s them judging you. That’s not their place, and it doesn’t address their own flaws. To paraphrase the parable, “Why do you focus on the speck in your neighbor’s eye and ignore the log in yours?” Most likely though, no one looks at you and thinks you’re a monster. They look at you and just see a person, not so different from them.

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thank you, i’m having a hard time formulating a reply, but i appreciate that you commented.

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You aren’t ruined for one. But since you know those thoughts were almost gone completely on meds, it’s most likely your disorder. When I’m not on meds, I find no value in life. Speak to your therapist immediately and ask for coping skills on how to react when these thoughts happen. You’re stronger than you think.

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thank you so much for the reassurance, it really means a lot

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