I just decided to sign up and see how this goes. It’s incredible to see so many individuals opening up, being vulnerable, and getting responses from others who genuinely care and seem to think and speak with the honesty and purpose and intent that I have as well. That being said, it’s confusing for me… always having been someone to help friends or loved ones see a little deeper into themselves and come out of lows or even heavy depression better and being so thankful for any way I may have helped them… and also being someone who can’t seem to help myself…
I’ve dealt with depression since, well, as early as I can really remember honestly. I might have snippets of memory of being a small child before finding this life-long companion I never asked for, but it feels like my memory (what’s left of it) starts with depression. At this point, I’m 32 and married to the person I have longed for since high school… we have a child together, and I have 3 other children with an ex girlfriend (who does not help with my depression and anxiety)… I’ve found myself in a job a genuinely love, I own a house, I have a very few friends I can count on (quality over quantity!), and ultimately feel like I’m in the best place in life I’ve ever been (aside from some real financial struggles).
So why? Or maybe ‘how’?
How can I have so many great things, be so aware of them, grateful for them, and still be feeling some of the lowest lows I’ve ever had?
This is weird to admit like this… but while I still daydream of suicide—not the act per se, but the need to be gone… I think I’ve realised some time ago that I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Idk if it’s because I’d feel guilty, I’d definitely feel guilty… or if it’s because I have hope it’ll get better? I don’t know. But nevertheless, I’m more concerned with solving the mystery of why I am so susceptible to this heavy weight of depression, than I am with ever considering harming myself again. It’s negatively affected my relationship with my wife, she struggles with her own anxiety and I have begun to become a cause of it and not as much a solution anymore. And I mean, above how it makes anyone else feel… it continues to make my life feel miserable, and at the best times, tolerable. I’ve spent so much time reflecting and trying to understand myself like I’ve always seemed to be able to understand other people, but with no success. In fact in the past few years, I’ve begun to feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. And I think the oddest part of what I have realised about myself, is that I can’t tell if I feel the good things for real or not anymore. I’ve never been one to be outwardly excited, but I feel like when I try to take steps to better my mental health, it’s almost like I’m acting in a play. Like I’m just trying to really sell it with a deep, realistic performance, but in the end it’s all just an act anyway. All of these things make me feel trapped or stuck in a way… like my tactic is “fake it ‘till you make it” but I am never truly “making it”. So I’m just on a hamster wheel and I don’t know how to get out. One goal, to start with I guess… is feel more. I need to figure out how to genuinely access my feelings. Not in an act, but genuinely feel myself, my being, my feelings. And be certain they’re real. It’s so lonely when even your own body just feels like an empty tin can with a veneer of all of the potential being a human has to offer. Like inside is just hollow.
There’s a lot to my story, and the feelings I have… as there is for all of us… and I hope to spend time here and learn how to best express them, and help others and be helped. But for now, this is where I’ll start my story and figuring out how to ask for help, and what to ask for help with. I’m confused, and lost, and lonely and I feel pointless… purposeless. I know somehow I’m worth far more than that terrible narrative… but I struggle to see past it. I’m not proud to be me, but… Hi. This is me.