Let’s back up a little bit. About 3 years ago I made a post about losing my job at a school(I’m a teacher)because of a panic attack that I had before thanksgiving break.
Now I’m at a different school, I’ve been there since September. Because of COVID-19 we’ve been doing online learning and meeting with our students throughout the day on Zoom. (I work for a private school, so its different than how most schools can handle it)
Today my boss asked to meet with me earlier on Zoom to talk. She asked me how I’m doing and I just said “I’m making it, there’s not much else to say.” I’m not really close with my boss, and I don’t feel the need to divulge personal information.
Anyway she told me that parents had called her over the weekend to ask if I was okay because I guess I was really short with my kids. I’m normally really good at self regulating and noticing when I’m short but I guess with everything I just wasn’t. So I told my boss way more than I wanted to( and maybe should have but I didn’t know what else to say I felt like I was backed into a corner) I told her that the being inside 24/7 was wreaking havoc with my anxiety and not being able to get to my therapist wasn’t helping but we had talked on Friday(on the phone of course) to work on some coping skills and I was feeling better. My boss then asked what I was going to do to make sure it didn’t happen again(me being short with the kids) and i thought I had just answered that by saying I worked on some stuff with my therapist but I guess that answer wasn’t good enough for her? So I told her that I was making sure I was getting to sleep on time because that wasn’t happening, and I was staying in contact with my therapist.
She looked very…unimpressed? And then said if it was going to be a problem for me or I couldn’t do it then I should just let her do it by herself.
I really…don’t want to be back here but here we are, and it really feels like she’s overreacting. I’m not a parent, so I don’t fully understand. I didn’t scream, or yell, it was just a few frustrated comments. No one has ever complained about me at this job before, at least as far as I know. It’s also frustrating because my boss has 0 patience and is also quite short with the students herself. So why am I the only one getting complaints? Like no screw this. Yes I was a little tense, but the amount of times I’ve had to calmly explain to a student because they’re upset because my boss did it in such an impatient and exasperated manner greatly out weighs the amount of times I’ve been short with my students in a two week period. I’m a little annoyed at that.
Also, it feels like she forced my hand with revealing what’s going on with me. I didn’t go into a lot of detail,(completely left the toxic home environment part out) just my anxiety was a lot to handle and I’m working on it with my therapist, but I don’t trust her enough to not realize this is something really personal that does not need to be discussed with the parents. She is very open with how information is transferred and I can see her telling this to parents which puts my job in further danger.
Me being short is a byproduct of my anxiety being worsened by the isolation(which is completely necessary, stay home people). Which brings me to my mental health about to cost me another teaching job. Effing hooray. It’s 9:30 am, I’m gonna text my therapist in a bit because this on top of everything else is entirely too much and the only reason I’m not crying right now is because I am completely numbing myself out to my feelings.
EDIT: Before my boss told me if I couldn’t handle it to let her do it by herself, I DID tell her I was feeling much better this morning, which is true, I was feeling a lot better when I woke up. Then she dropped that on me and now not so much but I’m trying to push through. I don’t know if she realizes it but it very much felt like a threaten/ultimatum.
I hope you guys are staying safe and healthy <3
Much love,
-Jedi
