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My Mind/Mental State is Slipping Again (TW: Self Harm Ideation)

Have you ever had the feeling that you are always on the verge of losing your mind? I have. I do right now. My mind/mental state is no longer invested in my basic needs to survive for my children and myself. I struggle to clock into work everyday and I don’t even leave my home to work. I can’t convince my mind that I need to eat/cook even when my stomach is giving the clear signs of hunger.

My sex drive is dead. I just feel like I am doing the motions. I continue to have sex with my boyfriend to try to bring my drive back, but it’s not really working. He doesn’t know, but I am so close to telling him so we can try something different. My urge to leave my home is gone. I haven’t even said I need a vacation in the past weeks.

I know I need to reach out for help for rental and utility assistance since I was out of work for two weeks, but I can’t even do that. I haven’t searched for alternative schooling for my son like I am supposed to. I replied yes to my best friend’s birthday party. I haven’t filled in my calendar for the month of September.

I’m not trying to die on purpose, but I am not fighting for myself anymore. Every knife I’ve held I think of cutting just to see if I feel. I’m not past it and still considering. Currently quarantined because my oldest has Covid. I am happy that his is mild and he’s been a champ. I am happy that I have time with my children. I am happy that I have my family and friends, but I am stuck. My lithium just was raised another 300mg. So now I am on 900mg of lithium a day. I don’t know what my malfunction is anymore. I don’t know how to fix it especially since I already went to my psychiatrist.

I am lost.

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Go back to your psychiatrist. There are still a lot of treatment options open to you, but the psychiatrist needs to know what is or isn’t working for you.

I am so sorry that you are feeling lost. You are very much aware of your circumstances. You know about your bills, problems with intimacy, and a self-care deficit. You know that you have friends. You know that your ability to cope with your feelings is diminished.

So, although you feel lost, you have a realistic orientation. That is evidence that you are not lost. Yet you are at a loss regarding how to increase your motivation. At the same time, you want to be motivated, and you have reached out to us for support. That indicates that you have some motivation that can be built upon.

You really really need to check back in with your psychiatrist. My sister-in-law has been bipolar for 40 years. Her symptoms are adequately managed, but she has had her meds tweaked every year or so. Lithium has been her mainstay, but she usually takes something else along with it to help it work.

You can make it through this.

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hey there ,
Just want to tell you , you are loved , and you are appreciated . Please continue to reach out and keep seeking help . things will get better. hold fast <3 !

  • Ashley
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Hey @grandmastrqueen,

I’m sorry times are rough lately. Yes, there might be a lot of responsibilities piling up right now, but the priority at the moment is you and your mental health. You seem to have hit a state of numbness/depressed feelings, and I agree wholeheartedly with Wings by saying that going back to your psychiatrist would be a good move right now. If you don’t have much energy left, consider putting it in this specific action. You deserve to be helped as needed, and see if there’s a need to make adjustments again with your treatment.

It’s okay if you don’t know how to fix the situation right now. You are moving forward step by step, and you are not supposed to have all the answers. Your doctor should be able to do that for you, or at the very least to suggest different routes to take and/or give you some precious insights.

One thing at a time. First, you, your psychiatrist and giving them a feedback about your situation. :hrtlegolove:

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So far I have spoke to my boyfriend and my mom. They are trying to help by keeping me active and speaking with me when I need it most. I have not sought out my psychiatrist yet because of my quarantine and because I already have an appointment with him after I get blood work done to read my lithium levels. I went outside the other day with my children and kind of rode my skateboard. It gave me a little push as well. Now I am just trying to seek help for my financial situation.

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