Have you ever had the feeling that you are always on the verge of losing your mind? I have. I do right now. My mind/mental state is no longer invested in my basic needs to survive for my children and myself. I struggle to clock into work everyday and I don’t even leave my home to work. I can’t convince my mind that I need to eat/cook even when my stomach is giving the clear signs of hunger.
My sex drive is dead. I just feel like I am doing the motions. I continue to have sex with my boyfriend to try to bring my drive back, but it’s not really working. He doesn’t know, but I am so close to telling him so we can try something different. My urge to leave my home is gone. I haven’t even said I need a vacation in the past weeks.
I know I need to reach out for help for rental and utility assistance since I was out of work for two weeks, but I can’t even do that. I haven’t searched for alternative schooling for my son like I am supposed to. I replied yes to my best friend’s birthday party. I haven’t filled in my calendar for the month of September.
I’m not trying to die on purpose, but I am not fighting for myself anymore. Every knife I’ve held I think of cutting just to see if I feel. I’m not past it and still considering. Currently quarantined because my oldest has Covid. I am happy that his is mild and he’s been a champ. I am happy that I have time with my children. I am happy that I have my family and friends, but I am stuck. My lithium just was raised another 300mg. So now I am on 900mg of lithium a day. I don’t know what my malfunction is anymore. I don’t know how to fix it especially since I already went to my psychiatrist.
I am lost.