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My mind seems clear so that's probably not good

I posted on here before but I was in a panic and it looks like I had no idea what I was talking about. So last night I decided I was done and I was gonna just end it in the kitchen where the only thing sharp is. I can’t get my hands on a gun, so I used the knives in the kitchen. They weren’t sharp enough I gave my self a cut so small it could be mistaken for a paper cut. Not even sure it counts as self-harm. I DIDN’T EVEN HARM MYSELF. Maybe it’s not as important, i dunno. There’s nothing sharp enough in my house to actually kill myself. I feel like I’m in a giant bowl that I keep trying to climb out of and it isn’t working. I just keep sliding back down the sides. No body knows about any of this. I think all of my friends are friends with me because I always seem like mr. cheerful. I’m really not cheerful but I think I’m afraid that if everyone realizes that I have problems, they will just shun me again. My girlfriend of two years, which i very much loved, just broke up with me and I have no idea why and I know she has no intention of telling me. She has depression and I have always felt bad that I couldn’t help her with it. If I can’t solve my own problems how can I solve someone else’s. But I’m still mr. cheerful. There’s a picture hanging in front of the front door to my school of my team that was taken two minutes before she broke up with me and I look like nothing ever happened. I’m smiling and I look cheerful as always. When I saw that picture I realized why no one has every asked me what’s wrong. No body knows. I’m gonna skip past what gave me depression 7 years ago and back to the whole death to me part. I just found a subreddit that way down near the bottom is an email for someone who supposedly will kill you if you pay them. It sounds like a scam but hey, it might work. I dunno. If i can’t do it maybe I can get someone else to. I have been staring at this wondering why I want to say it. Maybe I don’t really want to die. Maybe no one will see this and it will go unnoticed and then I can die. I never thought I’d put my life in the hands of something I found on google.

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Hello idunno,

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. Thank you for reaching out here. I’m sorry that your girlfriend broke up with you. Breakups can be so painful. The fact that you put on a cheerful face everyday shows your strength and what you do to make others feel good. I know you think that your friends are only your friends because you’re mr. cheerful, but I think that you need to open up to someone in your life about what’s going on. I personally recommend going to therapy because they might be better equipped to help you than your peers, but just opening up here is a great start. Nobody can help you until you open up about your pain. So, thank you again for reaching out on HeartSupport.

So many people go through what you’re going through and I want to encourage you to not give up and instead fight until you get the help you need. Like I mentioned, I think you would benefit from finding and talking to a therapist about your self harm and the situations that are making you feel like suicide is an option.

I know I should. But there’s another fact I left out cuz I didn’t think it was important until this morning. It might still not be, it could be normal. I feel like a different person sometimes when I want to die and the rest of the time. Most of the time it’s like my life is split into the day life and my life at night. The next morning when I wake up and go on with my day, I just can’t imagine why I wanted to die. And then it all comes back that night and I can’t stand it. That’s another reason I never tell anyone. Its like it’s a different person. Also I know my parents wouldnt believe me. I don’t know how to get professional help without my parents

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