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My mom getting upset

Hey friends

I went out with my new friend Saturday and i slept the night at his house totally forgot to tell my mom. And she got really upset that i stay the night. Now i start guilty tripping because i had a couple of drinks. And it makes me feel like i did something bad. And that i sinned for it cause she doesn’t let me do things that i want to do. She doesn’t understand i put my life on hold to take care of my brother. I did so much for her to make her happy and still get compared to my sister who passed away in 2020. She said you still live under my roof my rules you were supposed to come back and you didn’t. And this isn’t like you, you can move out if you want.
I never got the chance to live a life as a teen and my inner teen is hurting by it. Please someone give me advice or help for my family.

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Hey @Hannah_cruz,

First off, I’m sending you a big hug, because it sounds like you really need one right now. :hrtlegolove:

Regarding this situation last Saturday, forgetting to let her know was a mistake, but it’s also something that can legitimately happen to anyone. It sounds that your mom was worried for you and was trying to let you know that, even though the words she uses and the way she compares you to your sister is not the right way to express her feelings. You are your own person and you absolutely deserve to enjoy your teenage/young adult years.

From the outside, it really seems like there is a lot of love and care between you, but also some pain on both ends. That context creates a real need for a more vulnerable and honest type of communication to happen. How would you feel about inviting your mom to talk about what happened, in a very calm and composed way, without pointing fingers out. But simply expressing how you feel about your need for more freedom and trust, and giving her space to share her thoughts/feelings too. This could be a good way to show her that you are way more mature and responsible than she might perceive, and give her the opportunity to understand you better.

I know from experience how a loss can change relationship with our parents. Your mom could have more fears to lose you after losing your sister. But on your end, you also need to have your space and existence respected. If you can, try to talk together in a honest and calm way. You might need to create new ways to communicate that would be more authentic for the both of you. It’s scary and definitely more challenging than arguing/rejecting faults on each other, but it can also be really worth it and a new path for mutual healing. :hrtlegolove:

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Hallos! I’m glad you made a new friend it makes me happy to see people making friends. I can understand whys your mum might be upset about spending the night overnight with out telling her I bet she wa very worried about you over the span you were over his house. You should definitely tell you’re mum about plans of going somewhere. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister in 2020 that must be very difficult to get through. You’re mum should never compare a sibling to another relative its not right. It can be quite depressive for the person who is getting compared. I hope she learns from her mistakes. You are loved , valued and respected here <3

From: lovecraft-pilled

You should not be made to feel guilty for making an honest mistake. We all forget to tell our parents stuff sometimes. Just be more mindful in the future and everything should be fine. Also you should probably have a chat with your mom about how she shouldn’t compare you to your sister. You should be honest and tell her you don’t like when she does that. Lastly. you should be able to make up for lost time. You have a right to enjoy yourself, especially if you couldn’t when you were younger. There’s no shame in having a little fun.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Friend, As a parent, I can understand your mom’s side of being worried and having rules, but not the guilt trip part. That’s not a very nice thing to do and all it teaches you is that you are bad, when you’re not. You matter and shouldn’t be talked to like that. No one should be made to feel like a bad person. I’m sorry that you still get compared to your sister, may she rest in peace. I hope that your mom realizes how damaging that can be and see you for the awesome human being you are. ~Mystrose

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From: Mamadien

@hannah_cruz I’m sorry you are having a difficult time in your relationship with your mom. While you are living in her home you need to abide by her rules and that’s not always easy. They are her rules though. Is it possible for you to sit down with your mom and talk with her about how you are feeling? Perhaps by being gently honest with her and also listening to your mom things can improve. I suspect it has been hard for both of you in the last few years. I’m so sorry. Please let us know how you are doing. You are loved.

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, Hannah_cruz! I’m sorry that you are feeling so guilty about these actions and about the repercussions with your mom. I want to say that I know you feel like you sinned but I don’t see it that way based on what you’ve said.

I can understand your mother being worried about you if she didn’t know where you were or if you were safe. My own parents would become worried about me in similar ways and I’m over 30. Texting or calling that you are safe is definitely a good thing to do just to eliminate worry on the part of our parents but I personally think that simply forgetting once is not a tragedy, after the fact, knowing that you were in fact safe and responsible. And seeing as you are an adult.

I would hope that your mother might accept you apologising for worrying her and saying you will be more careful about calling when you aren’t coming home in the future. I don’t know your family or your dynamic but I wish you all the luck in finding a happy medium with your mom about this situation and any possible repeats in the future. You sound like you are a strong and caring person. Good luck :hrtlegolove:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Friend, Thank you for your post, Im sorry you are feeling so bad and having this internal struggle for staying out that night at your friends home, its clear it was a a mistake and one you wish you probably had not made although you feel you are now at an age that you should be able to do these things without having to ask permission or explain yourself and to be fair you probably do to a degree, You do indeed once you are an adult have the right to live your life exactly as you wish but there has to be an element of consideration for your Mum if you are living at home with her, if you leave the home and she is expecting you back and you don’t return what is she meant to think?? anything could have happened to you, and when something like that happens the most awful thoughts go through you head about all the dreadful things that can happen to the person that you love, its the most terrible feeling and that can all be stopped with a call or a text. I dont think its at all fair for you to be compared to your sister that has passed (im very sorry for that by the way) that is very unfair and wrong, you are and were two very different people, both very special i am sure but in different ways and that should stop. Maybe it is time for you to look for a place of your own so that you can begin to lead a more separate life where you can make your own choices and not feel guilty about it?? give it some thought, however with choices come responsibilities. Good luck friend. Much Love Lisa. x

From: Dr Hogarth

Hi Hannah_cruz,

It sounds like the last few years have been a real struggle for you and your family. I’m truly sorry to hear about the loss of your sister and that you’ve had to care for your brother at such a young age. That’s a lot of sorrow for a person to carry.

I tried to think how I would be feeling in this situation and I think I would share a lot of your emotions. My Mum would have been hysterical if I hadn’t told her where I was and I would feel a lot of guilt for that. It’s a mistake that is so easily made but has big consequences. You are human though, and making mistakes is how we learn and grow; I am certain you’d be hard pressed to find someone who hasn’t made a similar mistake at least once!

I can really understand your desire to make up for lost time and I think that’s a completely normal response to what you’ve been through. Have you tried talking to your Mum about this? I think her response comes from a place of love that wants to protect you, but also from a place that has experienced a lot of pain, as you have.

I hope life starts to look brighter for you friend. x

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Thank you all for kind words i did apologize and try to understand im healing something i need to do

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Well done for initiating that step with your mom @Hannah_cruz. There seems to be lots of love and care between you. This might be all about learning to express to each other how you feel, in a way that will open doors to communicate and not close them. I believe in you.

I hope you make sure to take care of yourself. :hrtlegolove: