My mom's husband ruins my connection with my mom

I just realized how much more I talk to my mom when her shitty husband isn’t around. Even the dog notices, he hangs around me more and my mom, and me the dog and my mom are like family again, back to normal. I can’t stop crying. I wish she never married him. I just want my mom back… When he’s around I’m always locked in my room because I hate being around him because he fucking disgusts me and creeps me out, so I don’t get to visit with my mom and the dog hates me when her husband is around because he sees our relationship of me and her husband as pretty much nonexistent so sides with my mom’s husband. But when he’s gone the air is lighter, it’s so much easier to talk to her, and open up to her, and the dog hangs out with me and cuddles with me and everything. Idk what to do, I just hate it, all those years I lost that I could’ve spent with just my mom and my lil doggo brother. I hate him, I hate him so fucking much. I wanted my mom to be happy by marrying him so I supported it, but I just wish he would die. This realization hurts so much, but there’s nothing I can do to change the past. I just want my mom back. But that’s too late.

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@Systemofconfusion sounds like there’s a lot there and, man, when you love someone but despise their romantic partner or choices, it makes you feel torn in two.

I think what you COULD do is create some boundaries to where you see your mom but don’t have to deal with her husband. One idea that came to mind is to share that you’d like to spend some one-on-one time each week with her. That could look like meeting for lunch or dinner weekly, or just grabbing a coffee. It could even be a park or dog park so your dog can come along! It will make your mom feel special and validated that you want to spend time with her, and allows you the boundary of not having to be around her husband, so becomes a win-win.

The other part I would encourage you in is working through your anger with your mom’s husband. The reason why I say this is because I know from personal experience just how much it poisons you and not the other person. He probably doesn’t even know how much you hate his guts and is off living life, but it’s infecting your well-being. One of the greatest practices I had to embrace was forgiveness when my wife left while I was in Iraq. I hated her and the new guy she was with. I could only focus on my anger and hate, but it was destroying me, and not them. It took me time and wasn’t an overnight process, but the more I saw the obstacle being the way and challenge to overcome, the more I thrived. There’s a quote from Ryan Holiday’s book, The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph, that I love that hopefully resonates with you:

We forget: In life, it doesn’t matter what happens to you or where you came from. It matters what you do with what happens and what you’ve been given.”

You got this and know you can figure out some solutions that hopefully put some space between you and your mom’s husband while helping you grow stringer.

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Hi
May I ask why you hate him So much?

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Well he was a dick to me as a kid, really fucking annoying, but as I grew older he changed and I didn’t. It developed to a hatred, and then a fear. I never liked him as he is extremely southern and used to yell the hard n word when speaking about darker colored ppl and used to talk shit about the LGBT community and how “disgusting” it was that men should be allowed to “do those things in public” (just a couple kissing, nothing harmful at all), and called trans people transvestites, said he would never let a gay into his house because they’re “the spawns of satan” etcetcetc. So I grew to deeply despise his existence. But he changed. He accepted my existence and my friends, and he started respecting other people as well. But even so he still does not call me by the right pronouns or name regularly, which pisses me off, but it’s not like we talk anyways. We have never communicated with eachother, even before my mother married him we never had a single conversation. I just hated him, I didn’t see him as anything but “that annoying man who has found his way into my mother’s heart.”
As I got older he started creeping me out, then I learned what my biological father did and it fueled that fear. Then people were fucking creeps around me and it just solidified that fear even more. And now my reality is distorted and I cannot trust a single person because of that and the people I have met. And now I hate him the most I ever had. And I don’t want to be like this, but it is my reality. Maybe I’m not always right, but I’ve had to deal with enough degenerates in my life that I don’t want to bother giving anyone a chance if I already don’t trust them.

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That’s very rare, because he is always around her and she’s always working, and just his presence in the house creates this aura that just sinks in every corner and I still don’t feel comfortable. And I can’t meet her for lunch or dinner, because she is always tired from work. That’s why we hungout Monday, because he was gone for a week and we both had a day off. I know she knows I love her but I don’t think she realizes how much it affects my relationship with her.

It’s not just an anger, it’s a fear. He knows I hate him, but he doesn’t know I fear him. We treat eachother like we don’t exist except on holidays. I know he’s a good person but my reality sees him and gross, disgusting, hateful, two-faced and danger.
I’m sorry about your wife, you didn’t deserve that and that’s not right for her to do that without even an ounce of regret. It’s nice you could overcome it though.
That is a quote to live by, but I also can’t make sense of it. Not that it doesn’t make sense, but my brain doesn’t know how to understand it. It’s too tough of a truth to fully comprehend. Idk why.

I can’t try to figure something out, but for now I really need to focus on my studies but all I do is worry about shit like this.

-X & Kio

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So he changed in a good way by accepting you and your friends for example, thats a good thing. but there are still things that pisses you off and make you feel unsafe. Since you have a good relationship with your mom and she and her husband seem happy together, she can play a key role for you to explain your feelings and struggles. And she in her turn knows how to discuss it with him to begin working on it as you need to feel safe to begin with. Just explain how you feel and dont blame anyone, there nothing wrong with that.
This might be an idea?

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No, he’s not an empathetic person, doesn’t understand feelings, and I don’t want to open up to him anyways. I have no interest in interacting with him, and there’s no point since I can get it of this house soon. He’s not a bad person, I’m just scared of interacting with someone who I haven’t had a single conversation with for almost 10 years. It’s the norm for us and it would be weird to just change that. I don’t like change and I would never open up to someone I don’t trust. And I do not trust my mom with my fears.

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Could you be civil with him? The usual “how is the weather” type of conversation? I’m not suggesting you open up to him, or even try to delve into deep conversations. We can have extremely empty chat with someone to maintain a level of being civil, and to sort of assess how comfortable we are with that level of interaction. Like if he’s sitting with your mom, you can just ask or say “ooh, today was so hot/cold/tiring, hope it wasn’t as bad for you” and leave it as that. There is no deeper meaning to attach to it, and if he asks how your day was in return, you just say, it was okay, thanks for asking. These tiny little moments could help soften up the interactions. Not trusting those around you is hard, it’s a constant mental weight you carry and I’m so sorry you have to go through this. These are my own thoughts at least, it’s what I’ve tried to do to assess how much I can trust someone by the way they respond/react to empty pleasantries, and to know if they can be trusted with anything deeper.

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It’s impossible, any sort of interaction with him feels forced and a waste of energy. Nor do I carry any empathy for him, his existence makes me uncomfortable and in my eyes he took my realationships with my family away from me. I don’t want anything to do with him. I can respect and appreciate him yes, but I hate him. And I know if even myself (Xaii) were to stop hating him, that’s only one of us in a system. The main headmate who hates him the most is Mori, so even if we did stop hating him it wouldnt change the fact that we will still be seen as hating him from outside bc of other headmates. Either way we see no reason to hate or care about him anyways. It’s just normal for us now. But when we have those days with mom, we miss it.

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oh, yes, my apologies, I didn’t consider the intricacies of the other headmates also having strong reactions to him. that makes sense. I do hope that you get to enjoy those moments with your mom and the dog in the future. I do hope you can work through these feelings so that you aren’t always bothered by the hate. Hate is a weight to always carry around, I hope it can fade a bit to give your system a bit of a break. Really rooting for you all, that things can feel a bit more comfortable.

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I wish I could get that far. But I think I know where my story ends ^~^

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