Sorry if this is incoherent, i am crying and panicking.
my mom saw my scars. and she cried. it broke my heart. i never wanted to make her cry. she started blaming herself, saying that she must’ve done something wrong while raising me. i told her it wasn’t her fault.
but now i’m so scared she’ll tell my dad. i dont want her to tell him. talking to him about my mental issues terrifies me. he’s loving but the way he talks to me about it often feels so harsh and cold. i wanna disappear.
Breathe…youre going to be ok. Talking to your parents about mental health can be one of the scariest things because it can feel like a reflection on their parenting but its not. Your struggles are not your fault either, its just something that has come with your life and your scars are a testament to your struggles. My only advice aside from breathing is whenever you feel comfortable and in a neutral space try to have a discussion about starting therapy. Everybody can benefit from it not just those with depression, anxiety, etc. In the mean time breathe and find another outlet for being overwhelmed by emotions. Recently instead of burning myself I have tried candles: it gives me something to visually focus on and blowing it out still smells like smoke (something I focus on after I typically burn) while causing no physical damage to me.
I want to echo our friend @star here: you’ll be okay. This is very sudden and stressful, but it’s not your fault. Self-harm is a complex struggle, and the way our loved ones react still belongs to them. It’s human or your mom to have, as a first reaction, to blame herself and feel guilty. She wants you to be okay. But still your are not to blame for how she feels. It is between her and herself. I understand how that feels though. So many times I blame myself for being depressed, for being sad, for having a history of eating disorders as well and feeling so fragile. I want to be a pillar of strength for the people I love but most of the time it feels like my burdens are too overwhelming to give them the light they deserve. So I blame myself, instead of blaming my struggles. Yet it’s an important difference to make there: the situation is difficult, but you are not defined by your struggles.
I also hear your fears about talking to your dad about this. If you are concerned about the idea that your mom might talk to him, then it would probably better if it would come from you. That way, you could be in control of what would be said, and really take it as an opportunity to express what you want to express. Just because your voice is important.
Know that in any case, your dad’s reaction will also be his own. You, on your end, are never wrong for reaching out. Struggling shouldn’t be a cause of arguments, shame or guilt.
You are strong. You will get through this, as scary as it is right now. You are not stuck. We’re in this with you.
I am glad you posted your story here. Super proud of you. I know you are going to be ok and talking to a therapist is one of the best things you can do to help yourself out of this dark time in your life. We will always be here to support you and care about you. Your experiences matter and you are important to us.
Love you friend,
Zephirah / Andrea
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