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My negativity chases people away

This is so long but I’ll try to keep short.
Right at this moment I’m having extreme anxiety over an argument a lady friend and I had. It literally was almost 3 hours long via text. I feel like I’m losing her, but that just may be my negative thinking in high gear. One of the topics in the argument was how my negativity gets old and not fun to be around.
I hired in April to be a twice weekly caregiver for my Mom, and we became friends. Always talking, going hiking etc. she quit in Aug, and that’s when I started to feel her withdraw. In the argument she told me that her daughter in law who filled in for her sometimes, and her friend that I thought I could trust were telling her that I was always talking about her. She didn’t like that. I think that’s when the daily texts started to slow down.
I always tend to over react on the other side as well. I sent her some Christmas money. At least she didn’t throw it back in my face. She just wished me a happy thanksgiving and she wished I would stopsend her money.
On the bright side she hasn’t blocked me. I even told her to during the argument. She accepted the gift. Hasn’t told me to F**k off and leave her alone. Wished me a Happy Thanksgiving. She also liked a text I sent where I told her I was going to see a therapist to try and get a handle on my issues.
I’m going to give her some time and not bother her with texts for a week or 2.
Am I worrying for nothing?

Hi @Ferret,

I think you already found an answer with this sentence:

I’m going to give her some time and not bother her with texts for a week or 2.

It’s really great that you decided this. When you feel that someone you love need to take some time away, it’s important to respect that.

With the informations you shared here, it doesn’t sound like your possible negativity would be in cause. I think you described something that can happen in any relationship and you shouldn’t worry too much about it. Maybe you effectively talked a lot about her and, knowing that, she feels the need to take some time for herself. From this perspective, she may be afraid you could be too invested in this relationship and maybe she feels some pressure on her shoulders.

Also, we’re at a particular moment of the year, with different celebrations, so people are used to spend more time with their family. It’s also really kind of you for the Christmas gift and if everything was okay when you gave it to her, then she probably appreciated this attention. But again, maybe she felt a bit uncomfortable with this, as it can happen to anyone. :wink:
It’s okay if she needs some time and, in fact, it can be positive for both of you. Even if you really appreciate each other, you don’t have to talk to each other everyday.

It sounds like you’re already aware about the way you may react or behave and it’s an important strength that you have! I’m glad you want to try to see a therapist because it can be really helpful, especially if you’re navigating in different uncertainties.

Don’t worry, you didn’t do anything wrong. Take care. :two_hearts:

Thanks. As far as the negativity it definitely was a big factor. She told me several times. “your negativity gets old and not fun to be around.”
“your negativity is a huge problem”
Thinking back on life I know I drove people away because of it, and depression. No one wants to be around that all the time.
I think she feels guilty accepting my gift and I guess I understand that. She is definitely the type of woman to send it right back if she didn’t want anything to do with me, so I guess it’s good she accepted it. I see positive signs that she doesn’t want me out of her life like not blocking my texts, and wishing me a happy thanksgiving etc. I’m hoping she just needs time to cool off and be with family. She has issues as well. She’s stressed out all the time and hates her job even though she makes good money. In the same text that she “liked” I also asked of her to just be patient and be here as my friend and that I know it can be exhausting dealing with my issues. I wish I could be positive and think it’ll be ok, but I think I have abandonment issues and always think someone is going to leave. I know everyone argues, but it always feels like the end of the world to me
I’m just not sure how much time. Should I wait for her to contact me, or just say hi in a week or two?

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Hi @Ferret,

Thanks for the reply and explanations. I wasn’t sure to understand the reason of your post’s title, but now I get it. :wink:

Well, that makes sense but the right formulation would be “depression chases people away”. You are not the problem, you are struggling with depression and learning how to handle it. But I understand what you mean. Generally, people feel uncomfortable with negativity and it’s quite normal. I experienced this with grief. I’ve lost friends because of it, but some friendships became also stronger in the end. So, it’s only my point of view, and it’s probably a bit naive, but I think people who love you sincerely will still be there for you. Of course, it also means to build a balance which remains healthy for everyone, so you don’t stay isolated but you don’t surround your relatives with the same negativity either. Anyway, there’s nothing wrong with you.

There are indeed positive aspects in the relationship you described. There’s no doubt you care for each other, and honesty is already a deep mark of confidence, even if it makes us uncomfortable sometimes.

Also, what you mentioned about your possible abandonment issues would be interesting to explore with your therapist. There’s nothing you can’t work on and you’re already making positive changes for yourself.
I’m also thinking about the fact you can find some interesting resources in HS website, and it can be worth to look at it: https://heartsupport.com/resources/

Concerning your question, I’m sorry I can’t really give you an answer, as I don’t know her or you personnally. Defining how much time is needed can be difficult, and I think it will also depends on the frequency of your texts/discussions after that. You can also think about something to send to her in a few weeks that wouldn’t imply having a reply, just to let her know that you care about her. Sorry I’m not really helpful for that. :confused: Unfortunately there’s not an one absolute answer for this, but the way you described the situation makes me think that you’ll manage do decide what’s right for both of you. :wink:

Hold fast. :heart:

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I’m am sooooo trying. I think the negative attitude stems from life experience and of course that leads to depression and that leads to more negative thinking. An example would be that if I had to go to the doc for something I would say something like I hope I don’t drop dead before then. I do stuff like that ALOT. She would always tell me not to say things like that.
Hopefully I can find a therapist soon. I had one who was male and all we did was bs about random stuff. I’m looking for a female. I think I’m less likely to talk about guy stuff and actually talk about my issues

Hey @Ferret,

You’re doing things right, don’t worry don’t much. :wink:

Yea I can understand that negative circle you describe. I’dl like to say it again, but you seem to have already thought about it and you’re aware of the way you may be functioning in certain situation. Having self-awareness really is an important strength. With therapy, you’ll be able to use it effectively, with someone who can directly interact with you and give you different perspectives.

I hope you can find a therapist soon too. And I hope you won’t get discouraged if you don’t find the “right one” at first. It’s also a matter of building a unique relationship and sometimes you have to try different therapists before you get comfortable enough with one of them. The fact you already prefer to talk with a female will help you in your research.

Things will be okay. :wink: Take care of yourself. :heart:

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Hey,
I think the best thing to do is exactly what you said. Give her some space. It may be difficult, bu the best thing that you can do is to give her some space. You have already shown her that you are sorry and that you care about her. Now it is time to let her come to you. I realize that this may be extremely difficult, but this is usually the best way to handle these type of situations. I also think that you try not to worry too much. Things will get better. Congratulations on working towards your issues.

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Thanks. It is super hard. I almost texted her a hello today, but I stopped myself. I really do care about her, and she knows it. The whole thing about me talking to her daughter in law , and friend is what I think started this whole thing unknown to me. I wish she would have just told me that it was bothering her and none of this would be happening. She said I’m obsessed with her, but I’m not. I was obsessed with why she was distancing herself from me. It was driving me crazy not knowing why, and causing my anxiety to go into overdrive, then Imwould start asking her friend about her, and her friend was going right back to her telling her everything I was saying.
I’m hoping with time we can get back to the “good ole days”.

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Yeah I completely understand why you would want to know what was going on so bad. But just keeps in mind that everyone needs time to move past things. You may not be able to go back to the “good ole days” but hopefully with time, you two will be able to communicate with each other as friends again. For now, I would stick with keeping your distance and only contacting her to say things like Merry Christmas. That way she knows that you are still there when she is ready.

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Day 4 of no texting her. It’s really killing me. I see a therapist in 2 weeks…soooo frigging far away.

I wish I knew what was on her mind

Hold fast. You are a wonderful friend. I know it’s difficult to not get any news for the moment. You’re doing the right thing. We’re here for you too. :heart: If writing helps, that’s okay. Try also to focus on some activity you enjoy. You also have the right to live your own life without thinking about her. It won’t change the quality of your relationship.

Sending much love to you. :heart:

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Yep. Trying so hard. It’s difficult to temporarily let go of someone to focus on yourself, but a better “you” I guess makes a more attractive friend and someone to want to be around.

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That’s right. But it’s also helping you to learn how to set boundaries and let go just a bit. I’m sorry it’s hard for you. And there’s no doubt she would be proud of you for what you’re doing. :heart:

I’m just trying to stay positive. I was reading through our text messages the other day. And forgot about things like she said “i appreciate you”. “thankyou for everything you do for me” “All the little things you do for me make happy”. That still has to mean something to her.

I’m about to speak some cold hard truth. Don’t count on this girl to support, fix or make you feel better. As someone who is also constantly negative and pushes people away and has been obsessed with women…I “smell what you’re cooking.” A second focused on someone else or something you can’t control is a second wasted. Be yourself. If yourself is “negative” to your peers, find new peers. People who will lift you up and not feed the negativity. I’m over 30 and I’ve found that most people are out to use others for personal gain or for their entertainment and most of them don’t care if the next man succeeds. I’ve tried changing myself to keep a girl before and that worked out about as good as building walls when there’s no floor yet. You seem to be handling the situation fairly well and processing your thoughts and feelings but as you’re wondering what she’s thinking about, she’s probably wondering what college she can get into or how long it’ll take to pay a car off. Think about the situation objectively and ask yourself, " is this going to work out well or how I want/expect it to?"

Uhhhh no. She’s 42 and makes 70 grand a year. she’s doesnt want my money. As I said before she’s the type of woman that would throw it back in y face and tell me she didn’t want anything to do with me. I insisted she take it. She knew it would hurt my feelings if she didn’t and it would have.
It was MY fault. Period. I’ve chased everyone away in my life. Depressed people aren’t exactly the life of the party. Who wants to be around that shit all the time. I’m not going to post 2 months of personal texts to show what happened
In fact she constantly told me to find and meet new people. Get out of the house. Improve myself, and that happiness comes from within. I’m stubborn and don’t listen. I was too focused on her.
She ASKED me for 1 loan when her ex didn’t oay something he should have. She paid it back to me. I said she didn’t have to and she insisted. Not exactly the sign of a user. I’ve been around leeches before. They don’t pull away. They stay and suck every penny out of you

Well sort of good news. I just texted her to tell her that I’m doing good and working on myself.

She actually answered. Told me she’s fine and that she’s glad I’m doing ok.