August 14th of 2017 changed my life. It was my first panic attack.
I thought I was dying. I was rushed to the ER. My heart rate could not be lowered. It was 150bpm and climbing. My blood pressure was so high, I thought I was going to faint.
This started to become a trend, anxiety and panic attacks started to rule my life and it came out of nowhere, to this day I sometimes still don’t know how to cope with them. As this went on, my diagnosis list has climbed from 0 to 15 different diagnoses. I have chased symptoms through the medical system to the point of putting myself into so much medical debt, due to being very aware of my mortality and scared of death. I have EKGs on my fridge to remind me that my heart is okay.
8 months ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Doctors can no longer figure out what is happening to me, I am constantly in a loop of medical tests and bills. It’s officially my new life.
Before all of this happened, I was successful on Twitch. I was on my own little mountain. I was in the top of the creative category, drawing to my hearts content, I was gaming with so many fellow streamers, co-streaming. My numbers were high. I was contracted by Twitch themselves for an art contract. I got creative spotlight… I felt amazing. Back then I was able to make a living doing what I loved so much… and all it took was one night to change it all.
I am trying my best to get back into what I love, but I am struggling climbing my mountain again. It feels like the mountain I was once on, looks far bigger than it did before. Maybe because since all of these issues, I feel like I have been forgotten. My community and viewers had dwindled and moved on to other streams more consistent and I don’t blame them or hate them for it, those who have stuck with me throughout all of my issues, have given me the spark of hope to even continue to try to get back on Twitch…
How do I come back from this?? I feel lost. It’s like I don’t know what I am doing anymore.
I’m 29 years old… and a partnered streamer.
I’m so sorry that you have had to go through all of those adversities and diagnoses. I’m also a Partner, and I know exactly how you feel about feeling lost on Twitch. As someone who’s community and viewer numbers have also declined, it can be easy to feel like you’re forgotten.
This is not true; in fact, it’s far from the truth. You have a core community of folks that continue to support your endeavors! It can be hard for us to focus on that when we focus on how we once had all of this success and don’t know how to reattain it. Please know that you’re not alone in this sentiment; there are so many of us that struggle through such a similar situation.
Remember why you started streaming in the first place. Take a step back and a deep breathe to clear your mind. Why do you like streaming in the first place? What do you enjoy about it today? What do you hope to accomplish, and what steps could you take to get there? I sadly can’t find these answers for you, but I hope these are questions that perhaps you may be able to ponder over. If you ever need any advice or need someone to talk to, please know that I am here for you, friend! I hope this helps. You got this, and you’re amazing. <3
You are a beacon of light and testimony to what can happen to others and how you deal with this can be inspiring to others. I know it’s a huge struggle and it is not a fun disease. No disease is. But this is one that can be dealt with and you can have a productive life still. There are athletes who have it and overcome it by giving their body more strength and nutrients and try to live life to its fullest. The weaker the body is the harder it will be. Take it one step at a time. I know you can do this. I’ve seen from personal, very close experience how someone at the bottom of the rope has climbed to the top. Not literal in the slightest. On Beastmaster that show on Netflix, one of the athletes also suffers from Fibro. Maybe his positivity would inspire you to fight for life. I have a link here that might lead you in an optimistic direction: [https://paindoctor.com/fibromyalgia-support-groups/](http://Pain Doctor)
You are designed with terrifyingly glorious purpose and you are not alone. You will make it. Consider this though, maybe your disease is the start of something new and better, and you can’t see it yet. Yeah it sucks but there will always be something better to come out of pain. Always even if we don’t like it or don’t want to see it because it hurts so much.