August 1th - 12:00 am, I was planning to wash the dishes. But I was so tired so I just went to sleep since I knew, I’ll wake up in next 3 or 4 hour after. I went to sleep, and had another nightmare. I barely even remember what it was but it really make me jump off my bed. To be honest, it’s not my first time and I had a lot of nightmare until I jumped myself out of my bed since 5 month after the car accident; until now, the nightmare still keep going. But past 3 month ago, it stopped for a while. And now it all coming back. Well I understand that I might somehow tired, but a week ago, even I sleep early around 10pm, I still having nightmares and leave me sleepless and restless. I remembered last week, I woke up around 3am or 4am. Tired indeed, but it’s because dealing with nightmares. Other time without nightmares, waking up at that hour doesn’t even bother me (sigh…). After I had that nightmare, I decided to just get up from bed and gives a shot in shower hoping the next nap in the morning, there won’t be a nightmare. But unfortunately, the nightmare keep going, so does my nap this evening. My nightmare in evening was I’m not really sure, but the whole dream were described only with one word; Reach, Reaching? something like that. And the morning one just left me woke up in tears without remembering what was the dream, it felt so painful, horrible and confused. And in the night I decided to not to sleep, unless if I’m so tired, really REALLY tired. Then I had to go to sleep. Ain.t gonna risk it like 2 weeks ago, I puked myself out because I was so tired; felt so dizzy.
I never told these to my parents about my nightmares and I’m writing these to the support wall. If I do tell them they will say it’s just a dream, just forget about it or you just always overthinking things and even say, do you think people will even care you write such a post at this wall thingy? Other people care about you is a bullshit (They meant strangers). But I don’t even trust them, And I don’t even have people to talk to. If I write this in my diary, my nosy little sister will read it and shame me in front of all my family member. And my mother will said that I am too emotional and overthinking things. Just like my mother did when I was 12, she read my diaries. Sometimes I wonder does what I feel or how do I privately feel about them, about surroundings even matter to them? Well, I actually don’t know and I barely even care about how I feel these days and just let things be. For example, if my parents are mad at me, I’ll just let it be even though it’s not even my fault. Until I go so numb.
Well that’s all for now. I’ll type again here. I find it somehow safer to talk in here. I appreciate to all who were reading this and gives opinions. Thank you again <3