I’m so sorry that people have failed you again and again, and I can’t imagine how much more it hurts when your own family feels distant and unhelpful. It makes sense that the only thing someone could do would be to close themselves up in their own shell and hide away, because there is no help outside of this shell, right? I can relate to this feeling too, and I’ve pushed people away to stay in my own shell, even when I know I want to break free.
So let me start by saying that you are not alone in this self-isolation. When I first struggled with depression, the LAST thing I wanted was to confide in others. I told myself that all I needed was me and I must endure this alone. I told myself I didn’t have anyone else. Nobody else wanted to hear about it, or at least that’s what I said to myself until the shell completely closed around me and I couldn’t function anymore.
The only thing that broke that shell was by letting someone else break me out of it. I didn’t have the strength to do it alone anymore, and I was running out of air in there. When I read your story right now, I see you trying to break out of this shell by yourself, and I can’t imagine the pain and frustration of that fight. I want nothing more than to give you the security and the home that you never had, and I want to show you the beauty and purpose in your life that you can’t see right now.
While I can’t simply take away these feelings you’re struggling with, I want to give you the hope that you CAN cling to despite the shell you feel stuck in. Because like I said, I’ve been there too, and I believe that just by being vulnerable with me, you are SO MUCH stronger than the shell around you. I don’t know when it will come, and I’m not sure what it will look like, but I know that hope is available for you right now. In my shell, I’ve clung to the fact that I am not alone and that there is someone above me who is so much greater than anything I’m struggling in. In those desperate prayers and angry cries in my isolation, I found a hope beyond all reason that gave me the strength to endure everything. That same hope is available for you too, no matter how isolated you might feel, no matter how emptied you might feel.
I am here for you, my friend, and I am sending you all my love and prayers right now. I see purpose, beauty, and new life in you today beyond everything you feel. Your life is not over, it’s not useless, and home is still here for you no matter what the pain says.