I feel nervous I wash my hands for a really long time and dry them in tears my heart beats so fast and I feel like something bad is about to happen when I say something I think about it for hours then I lay on the floor banging my head against the wall when I laugh I feel awkward I like my laugh but it feels like that all the time I feel alone the panic is making it hard to breathe I talk to myself thinking the same thought over and over again sometimes I get through it but it comes back my legs and arms shake I sweat I freeze up it is unbearable what if I say the wrong thing does it stay forever I ask my mind that the cycle repeats the feeling grows I try to silence it but I cant I see my nerves I cry inside knowing the agony will return I’ve felt like this for years I cant cope it is such a burden I pace back and forth dying within I am so sad haunted by the feelings my body is having a breakdown I cant cope I feel frozen
Are you working with a therapist? If not, it’s time to get started with one. You are suffering, and need relief. It sounds like your symptoms require some assistance with medication. Anxiety is compounding the OCD effect. Repeating thoughts isn’t unusual, but it’s the content of the thoughts that are important.
Get in touch with help today! I don’t know where you are, but if you’re in the US, dialing 211 connects to people who can put you in touch with the help you need.
You can also check these groups out:
Dear @metalhead1,
I hope posting here helps a little to find some peace and calm again. Deep breaths, always. I hear how much panic and distress you’ve been feeling lately and I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through this. It must be incredibly painful and exhausting to feel stuck in cycles of thoughts and patterns that prevent you to live the life you want. OCDs may be very present right now, although they have a reason to be and you are certainly not doomed to be stuck with it for the rest of your life.
Seconding what @Wings said, it sounds that therapy would be a really good thing to consider right now, if that is possible for you. You don’t deserve to deal with all of this on your own, and having someone to talk with on a regular basis could help you understand the causes behind, also how to learn to cope differently, little by little. I have myself my share of OCDs and some days it feels like I’m just controlled by it. It sucks that our mind turn into this way to cope to deal with the stress, the anxiety and uncertainty of life. With the right help though, we are not doomed to be stuck. I believe in you so much and in your ability to overcome these struggles progressively. Please make sure to ask for help, even if as a start it’s only with your GP. Your voice deserves to be heard, here of course but also beyond this platform that we have. Your safety and well-being matter. 
From: Mamadien
Metalhead1, I’m glad you have reached out here, letting us know how you are feeling and what is going on. You are such a big part of this community and you give back so much, it’s good that you also reach out for support. It sounds like it has been a particularly difficult time lately. I’m going to ask the same question that Wings and Micro have - are you seeing a counselor or therapist? This would probably be a big benefit to you if you are. Please also look through the list of resources available. You deserve to get the help you need to manage the OCD and the pain that it causes you. Know that we are here to walk through this with you and keep us updated on how you are doing friend.
From: ManekiNeko
I know I may not understand the extent on what you’re going through. I do at times struggle with anxiety and wondering if my words and my actions will be present forever and people will remember those “stupid” things. It’s hard to tell the voices to quiet down and to think outside of them when they can rage so loudly. I love that you mentioned that you like your laugh. Can I ask what things make you laugh? Sometimes stepping away to take even a small amount of time to shut down those persistent thoughts can be a small relief. For example, I sometimes watch the task master on YouTube. Just perhaps one task on a video and it breaks down the noise of the world around me.
We put so much pressure on ourselves to do or be something we think others will want or need. My heart really emphasises with you and I wish I had the magic cure, however I do hope that you perhaps think about speaking to a professional and maybe they can assist with finding some coping skills when you feel it start to bubble up under the surface.
I’m hoping that you find a bit of peace and rest from all this. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your heart with us.
From: Lisalovesfeathers
Hey Friend, Thank you for this post, that all sounded so panicked as so frightening and I am so sorry that you go through this, it not fair that anyone espescially someone as awsome as you has to cope with feelings like that. Can I ask what sort of coping skills you use in those moments? do you have any breathing excecises that can ground you when things get you that over come? I want you to know that you are do cared for here and in those moments before it gets too bad please remember to reach out to someone, anyone to see if they can help you before the feelings over come you. You are so wonderful and you matter. Take care of youself. Lisalovesfeathers. x
Hey I’ve heard of the breathing thing never tried it I love to Journal it really helps me I also love games thanks for the kind words heartsupport is amazing
You’re welcome I call my laugh the autism laugh its so funny I laugh to myself I like it I just feel very alone and the voices are raging it feels like a dark tunnel of doom
Yeah me and my parents have a therapist lined up I hope I do alright with the meeting me and my parents are in Alabama now in Fairhope the place is called bayview
Thanks I’ll give the therapist a try I know I’ll be really nervous though
I’m going to talk to one soon I’m on two medications I wanna be off so bad
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