My own body is my prison

Alexis · November 22, 2022, 2:48am

I am at an end, I don’t know what to do, I am lonely a lot and struggle a lot with sh and sa 's,

So let’s start, ever since I lost my girlfriend I have not been the same, I feel like a lot of people hate me, I don’t have many people who like to play games with me, I do have some great friends tho, but it feels weird because of my major trust issues due to the things that people have done to me in the past, all I want is people I can trust and have fun with, play games with, do other things with, like I did go to my two best friends this weekend a gay couple from Amsterdam, I love them and they are amazing and cute, they say I’m adorable, cute and more, it was a really fun weekend and we did so many amazing and fun things, I miss it a lot already, but then now the feeling of loneliness swamps over me and consumes me and I start to struggle again, struggle to stay away from yet another sh session or even worse if I really get of the rails another sa, I have tried reaching out to crisis lines and suicide hotlines in the past, but all they did was make the situation worse so I won’t do that anymore, I have professional help, but it’s very slow to start up and I am not getting much help yet, I did have another something good tho that my government has let me know my name & gender change in all my official documents (passport, ID card, drivers license, etc) has been accepted and will be put through their system, even tho this made me very happy I haven’t noticed much of it, because the darkness just took over and I’m back in the hole trying to fight, not being able to fight much anymore, I am a prisoner in my own body due to my mental health and the darkness, I am scared and scared of myself, I do still have my stuffies however I have gotten to the point of being so lonely sometimes that I’ve started talking to them during those times, I am partially scared about this prospect, I cry a lot and little things hurt me, I haven’t really been able to sleep all that well recently when I’ve been alone, this has however not been the case when I was at my friends in Amsterdam, I slept pretty good there, I think mainly also because I was cuddled while sleeping and I wasn’t alone, but right now I just want to escape my body, do another sa and actually be successful, then be buried with my stuffies, I also really struggle with my eating disorder still, I still find it difficult to eat and it makes me sad if I eat things most times, I want to go work out, but I haven’t had any power to do so due to my severe depression and mental state, my anxiety is high too, I am scared to go outside too much, especially when I’m alone like without one of my best friends for example, I really don’t know what to do, this is why I’m reaching out here, please respond to me I am scared.

To end this on a lighter note here is a picture of my normal and baby Blåhaj.

Slayer5639 · November 22, 2022, 3:07am

I see that you are going through a very painful time in your life right now Alexis. I’m sorry that people have abused the trust you have given them. It’s hard trusting when people seem to break it without a single care about who it hurts.

Wings · November 22, 2022, 6:29am

It’s unfortunate that you have felt so hurt. People hurt each other, even when they are really good friends. Some people seem like good friends until they do something terribly disappointing, and you realize they probably will never be good friends. With that said, even the best of friends disappoint each other sometimes. Part of being a good friend is to accept and forgive those disappointments, and accept others exactly as they are, rather than how you want them to be. In doing that, you become a faithful friend. At the same time, if you wish to be a good friend to others, you must also be a faithful friend to yourself. You must recognize yourself as a friend worth having, even when you are alone.

The best friends are comfortable with being alone. They care for and respect themselves. That enables them to be in a good state of mind when they meet with others. It also prevents that excessive and unhealthy desire to “cling” to others. Sometimes people end up feeling isolated because others don’t want to be in the presence of such clinginess.

Remember, your friends are still your friends, even when they are not physically present.

I’m glad to hear you have your license and passport in order. That must feel like a relief. You are just at the beginning of a new life. Give yourself time to adjust. Therapy can be helpful, but it takes time, and connecting with the right person. It sounds like that has not happened for you yet. That doesn’t mean that it can’t.