My partner has depression

Hiya everyone,

Basically my partner has been diagnosed with depression and has been given medication which he is yet to start.
Back story- we’ve been together almost 6 years and we’ve lived together for over 4.
We don’t have any family close to us or anything like that it’s just me, him and our animals.

I’m finding it almost impossible to live with him, he’s being plain horrible to me constantly. He’s got no money as he’s just finished his degree (mature student) and I’ve lent him nearly 2k which I worked my socks off for. I’m always such as positive person and no matter what the issue believe it can always be fixed.
I got myself a puppy a few months ago as I lost my dog November 2019. I wanted a dog more than anything in the world as I missed mine so much. He wasn’t at all supportive of my choice and admittedly it has drawn a wedge between us. The dog is mine I care for it, pay for it, train it etc. We attend training every week etc. And I’m so glad I got the dog because during this depressive situation I don’t feel so alone.

Back to the depression situation he’s been miserable for months, he gets so angry with me and now doesn’t enjoy anything. We went to a place the other day he usually loves and it was like he didn’t want to be there at all. He shouts at me, swears calls me every name under the sun.
A few weeks ago we were on our way to a quiz and he had been so horrible to me swearing and I mean screaming like there’s no tomorrow, the windows were open as it was a hot day and I had to close there, people were staring I thought someone was going to phone the police. I refused to get out the car and go to the quiz because I’d been treated so badly it was embarrassing that’s when I contacted his family asking for help. I needed someone to support him more than me.
At the moment he’ll agree to go somewhere with me then won’t get ready on time, does everything he can to not go. Today the same happened he didn’t get out of bed, wouldn’t get ready and we had to be there for 10am we couldn’t be late. I ended up going alone and at the event I was the only person by themselves everyone else had someone. I came home and what had he done? He’d gamed, didn’t do any house work and wasn’t even dressed.
I know our life isn’t always like this and I know it’s the depression and usually yeah we argue but we are happy, we have great times together. At the moment I’m not happy, he’s depressed and I just want to do something stupid to myself.

I have an awful lot on my plate I work, go to uni, look after a puppy and do 99% of the housework.
He works part time.
Please will someone direct me to a support group or something I need it.

Many thanks

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Hey @Rolocrumble,

My heart goes out to you. It can be really, really hard to learn to compose with our partner when they have a depression. I’ve been with my partner for almost 11 years now, and for a long time I’ve been very depressed, but a lot more intensely for the last couple years. Slowly, he’s also been depressed as covid and other things started to affect him. It’s been really tough sometimes, though I’d like to say that it is possible to learn to compose with this reality as long as there is a clear and regular communication + the possibility to exist outside of the relationship itself.

I recognize a bit of myself in your partner, at least how I was when my depression was worse in terms of tiredness and anger. More often than I wanted, being depressed has made me grumpy. Being tired and kind of in a “meh” mood all the time is frustrating. Every little task costs too much energy, and when we are left alone with our thoughts, it can seem unbearable. At times, I would be somehow aggressive with my partner - verbally. Not in the words I used, but the tone of my voice. We’d never argue and scream as you describe, but I was objectively not easy to live with sometimes. I was frustrated with myself, with everything, with the entire world, so that would be manifested in a frustration over little things of daily life. Depression is sometimes this pile of emotions that are too intense and we don’t know what to do with it. Sometimes we shut down, sometimes it’s the opposite.

With that being said… it is not okay that you have to suffer this behavior. It’s not okay to be yelled at. It’s not okay to feel unsupported or even rejected in your relationship. As you said: it’s not all dark of course. But still these moments have their importance in your life, and your partner may need to really work on managing his emotions. Is he seeing a therapist for his depression? Has he ever considered medications (not saying it’s for everyone, but when we are helpless in face of our mental health, these are generally options that are good to consider). I can tell that, for my relationship with my partner, things have started to take a different turn when I started to see a therapist and focus more on my recovery. I had a space to share my emotions, one that wasn’t this relationship. I’ve learned to compartmentalize things. I don’t push everything away from my partner. I share from time to time a bit of how I feel, but as a loved one would do with another. A therapist is a therapist. The person we share our life with cannot endure this role otherwise it’s taking all the space and the relationship starts to fade away too.

During the moments when he’s a little more calm, have you ever managed to discuss honestly and calmly together? For you to share the fact that you’d appreciate if you could share the housework a little more, and at the same time that you understand that he’s depressed and that it might be more difficult to him to do those things. For me personally, seeing that my partner was assuming everything (working, chores and so on…), it has motivated me to start getting help and working on myself in a different way. I was aware that my struggles were affecting our relationship, which gave me the push I needed to take steps I was scared of (therapy and meds, but also things I was pushing away regarding my health). It’s far from being perfect today. My partner is depressed too, unmotivated, and refuses to see a therapist while he needs help. But we have managed to focus more on the love and tenderness between us. It’s given us a fuel to take some very, very small steps. It may not progress as we want, but progress is progress.

Finally, do you think it could be beneficial for you to see a counselor eventually? This context is heavy, and it would be okay, as a partner who has objectively a lot on their plate right now, to seek help for yourself too. Before being in a relationship, you are an individual with needs that deserve to be acknowledged and fulfilled. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi @Rolocrumble

I’m really sorry that your partner has depression. It’s a horrible thing to have and go thru, especially if you don’t have a good support system. @Micro pretty much nailed it and I don’t have much to add accept right now is when your partner needs you the most, so it’s important that you do things to help you better understand what he’s going thru so you can give him the support he needs and also the support you need.

I use this site often and it’s been very helpful. :hrtlegolove:

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Lots of good replies already, so I have just one tiny question. When your husband games, is he happier then? Like if you were to watch him and cheer when he wins/accomplishes a goal or task in the game, would he notice you at all, want to share the moment? Or is it just mindless playing to escape, where he basically zones out and just keeps playing?

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Or gets irritated with you if you “bother” him while he’s playing?

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