My past is making me physically sick

[Hiraeth]

It has been awhile since I’ve allowed myself to be open enough to write here again, to journal my thoughts and emotions again.

I’ve found myself in a cycle here for the past month or so. I wake up at the last possible minute, roll out of bed, sign onto my computer to work for 8 or 9hrs and then clock out, grab my camera, run out the door to spend the evening in nature, wandering the woods, drowning my thoughts with the stimulation of nature, wildlife and photography. Only to reluctantly leave the woods when the sun is going down, drive home with music blaring then cook dinner, make a drink or two, and watch netflix until bedtime, all while under the influence of an edible or two.

Its official, I’m blocking things out again. Not allowing myself to feel the anxiety, the hurt, the painful memories. Not allowing myself to feel the disgust, the self-loathing, the unworthiness I feel about myself. I’m not going to lie, things have been pretty fucking good for the most part, because I’ve been fucked up - Abusing alcohol, abusing edibles, using constant distractions to block everything out. I’ve been laughing more which is rare for me. It felt good to be high for once rather than the low that I’m used to.

TW - Sexual assault

Anyway… the real reason I’m here I guess is because I had a bit of an episode. I was in the drive thru with my husband and he was being flirty and sexy - we were having fun and teasing each other while waiting for our food but then suddenly… Suddenly he said something that triggered memories to flood up to the surface. Just like that. I can’t even remember the words he said exactly, but I just remember feeling like I was about to throw up right there in the car. I started sweating and panicking and I couldn’t catch my breath. Despite my failed attempts to hide this very obvious change in behavior and mood, he noticed and began to pry. After numerous attempts to get me to open up, I snapped at him telling him I really didn’t want to talk about it. He knows some things about my past sexual trauma but he doesn’t know details. He kept saying that it would be beneficial to him for him to know what caused me to panic so he doesn’t repeat it in the future, especially when we are intimate. He said he wanted intimacy to be something that we both enjoy together, and he never wants to hurt me.

I appreciate that. I LOVE that about him. He is so sweet and caring and shows concern for me. But no matter how comfortable I am with him, I cannot tell him about what happened to me. All I could muster up is one vague sentence that tells him literally nothing, but it was something along the lines of 'There are some things that have happened to me in the past that sometimes I am reminded of during…that. And I have a hard time suppressing it."

He let it go. We sat there in the car, parked, while I tried to eat like I was fine but I barely could. I was so nauseous. All I could think about was that… thing, that weapon, the fear and the pain. It was like I was suddenly right back there again, facedown with a hand on the back of my neck to keep me still, him telling me not to make a sound or he’ll do it even harder…

God, why can’t I just fucking say it? I want so badly to let this horrible memory out of my head and I thought I could do it here but I can’t even write it. I swear it is all so fucking clear in my mind that I wonder if I’m not actually there in that time of my life again; lying there telling myself that it will be over soon and not to make a sound or it will be worse.

It was like everything was just a fucking game to him: Let’s see how long she can keep quiet while I’m hurting her. And then the next thing I remember, I’m putting my clothes back on and trying not to panic from the amount of blood I see down my legs and on the sheets, and he’s mad at me for getting so much blood on the sheets and ripping them off the bed like its my fucking fault that I was just raped with an object. Then I’m stumbling to the shower and hiding there for awhile trying to calm down, while my “boyfriend” is drinking and playing video games in the other room acting like nothing even happened. I was so broken after that and he just acted so normal… How can you do that to someone and not feel anything at all? I was just a teenager, a stupid naive teenager who thought “He loves me - he doesn’t mean to hurt me. This won’t happen again.”

I don’t think I’ve ever been the same after that day. And knowing that… that monster is able to go on and become a police officer… and have a wife and infant daughter and live happily ever fucking after, is a goddamn joke.

If I can’t even write what happened here, how the hell am I supposed to talk to my husband about it? How do you put horrible images into a sweet, loving and innocent man’s head? I don’t want my husband to think of me that way. I don’t want him to know the things I’ve been through. I couldn’t do it - I couldn’t tell him. And I’m worried that not telling him has hurt him - because I can’t even open up to my own husband.

This has been boiling for awhile, I knew that. Anytime I see a show and there are police involved, and I see those weapons in their hands, I freak out - Take a drink. Any time I see a cop car on the road, my breath catches in my chest and I scan the license plate wondering if its from that state… Anytime I’m in my hometown, I am in full on paranoid mode, constantly scanning the area around me praying that I never ever run into him again. I should have expected that this would bubble up to the surface like this but I just didn’t think it would hit me this fucking hard.

After my episode in the drive thru, all I wanted to do was come home and drink, eat an edible or two and bury the memories again - to feel happy again.
So that’s what I did.
And ever since then I’ve been spiraling.
As long as I’m sedated, I’m fine, and laughing and happy. But as soon as I’m sober, my world falls apart.

Today I’m out of alcohol so I can’t drink, and I’m refusing edibles too and forcing myself to feel and just be sober for fucking once. And I know this is some form of depression, or self destruction or whatever and I know I need therapy like I need a hole in the head but… being sober me sucks and this amount of anxiety I feel is through the roof. I don’t want to be sober if this is how I am going to feel, but I’m sober today, and I hate myself. I didn’t get dressed today, I didn’t really talk to my husband today, I didn’t eat, the dishes have piling up in the sink for days and the house is a mess but I just don’t care about those things or even myself right now. Is it silly to say that I just want to crawl back into bed and hope I never wake up?

[Sita]

i am so sorry that you were violated. I’m so sorry that those memories still haunt you.
i’m sorry that you were hurt, physically and emotionally as well.

Have you ever had any sort of therapy or counseling for it? Maybe having someone to talk with about it could help you look at it a bit more safely?

We are here for you, to listen, and we’re not going to pressure you at all to say more than you are comfortable with. I’m glad you have a good partner now, but please don’t stress yourself out by wondering why you can’t open up. It is a huge trauma you’ve bene through.

Please know that it was not your fault, and that you did nothing wrong.

It sounds like being out in nature is a big comfort to you. Would going for a weekend away in a nature based place with your husband help you at all? Or would you prefer to keep the woods and nature as your private retreat?

We’re here for you. You’re not alone in this.
You are loved and you are valuable. Keep strong, friend!

[Hiraeth]

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I truly appreciate it.

I’ve never had any sort of therapy. I’d like to, but ultimately I’m scared, of it not working or being judged or not clicking with the therapist, and I’m also worried about the cost especially if I can’t fully open up, then I feel like it would be time and money wasted. I know that’s illogical, for not even giving it the chance. But I’m also afraid of judgment from my family. My family and friends don’t know what I went through in that relationship, and from what they know, everything was normal between us. It’s my dark secret that I’ve held on to for years and I’m afraid of it getting out in the open honestly. I don’t really want anyone to know that I went through that for one but also I don’t want word to get back to him. My family still runs into him occasionally and they are still in contact periodically. He is the town cop after all and it’s a small town so word spreads fast. I never want him to know that I’m still broken after all of these years.

A few weeks ago I wasn’t doing well, and I was with my mother, and I just started rambling about how I thought everyone should have a therapist just like they have a dentist or a doctor. It would probably do this world a lot of good if everyone had a chance to work through their problems with a therapist. Anyway, she shut me down immediately saying that I’d be labeled as crazy if I went to therapy and they’d put me on drugs and I’d gain weight and be ugly and unhappy. Wow thanks mom. Instantly I felt judged and invalidated so I shut my mouth and haven’t talked about it since. It’s so hard to talk with her about anything which is probably why I feel like I can’t open up to her or anyone for that matter. Being raised in a judgmental household like that probably messed me up initially…ha…

I do really love nature and consider it my safe space. But I would love to also have my husband enjoy and experience nature alongside me but he’s not really the nature type. We’ve tried going away on camping trips but it usually isn’t relaxing like when I’m alone in the woods by myself. I just like to go to nature to escape from people. It makes me feel at peace and it’s a place where I can just be my raw self, let my guard down. So I guess what I mean to say is that although I would love to have my husband with me on those long nature walks, he would not enjoy it which would throw the vibe off. And each time I do invite him to come with he turns me down. It’s frustrating and a bit lonely at times but he has his interests and I have mine. We’re just a bit too opposite in that aspect.

I’m sure couples therapy could do us some good as well, get us talking about our problems. Don’t get me wrong though - our relationship is great. But there are certain things that we can’t or won’t talk about to each other so communication there is a bit strained. He has some problems with his mother that I really feel need to be addressed but he’s completely cut her out of his life and won’t really talk about her that much.

It’s just like I have this irrational fear of being judged I guess. Like, for instance my mother would judge me if she ever found out I was in therapy. She’d tell the fam and the fam would probably end up confronting him. Or I’m worried that if I tell my husband about any of this in detail he would either think of me differently, or try to defend me by stirring up something with him after 10+ years after the fact. And I think that’s what scares me the most. I don’t want my husband to start anything after all this time. And he would even if I asked him not to. He sometimes thinks irrationally when he gets upset or angry. Once his switch is flipped, there’s no calming him down. Which is a bit scary. Even though his anger is never directed at me, it’s still frightening to see his demeanor change in such a way. He’s usually always laid back, calm and logical. But when he’s mad All logic is thrown out the window. Coming from a violent home and also past relationship, any kind of anger sends me into a panic and I hate having to walk on eggshells. I’ve told him I felt this way but he cannot control his anger once his temper flares. But even if he says that he’s not angry with me, I still feel so small and cower when he gets that angry look in his eye.

What’s so weird to me is that if you met me, you would think that I had my life altogether. I hide all of this crazy so well. I make a lot of money, I excel at my career, I have hobbies, I look put together, look healthy and happy. But inside I’m just this shriveled alcoholic mess of a girl who can’t ever truly be free from the memories and the damage he caused so long ago. I just feel like a failure because I’ll be so happy for months and feel like I’m finally getting better and then bam, one thing sends me reeling into a pit of despair that I just have to figure out how to climb back out of. Some days I think this will never end.

[Mystrose]

@Hiraeth

I’m scared, of it not working or being judged or not clicking with the therapist, and I’m also worried about the cost especially if I can’t fully open up, then I feel like it would be time and money wasted.

These are valid fears. Finding a therapist is like shopping for clothes, you have to try on a few before you get the right fit. I think a few visits and then deciding to stay or not is fair. You might find one and in the first session and click. So, you don’t have to settle with the first one you get. There are also government run programs you can check out for therapy. In Calif, you can call 211 for assistance there.

The #1 thing that will cause therapy to fail is not being honest. You have to tell your therapist EVERYTHING inside your head and heart. If you don’t, then a wrong diagnosis will most likely happen or you’ll be put on the wrong meds and that can be discouraging. People tend to blame the therapist, but don’t realize that they only have what you tell them to go on.

The other part is homework, you have to put into practice the coping skills or advice your therapist gives you. My boyfriend was in physical therapy for his shoulder a couple years ago and they gave him some exercises to do at home, which he didn’t do. He told his new doctor that the therapy didn’t work. Geee I wonder why?

@Hiraeth

I’m also afraid of judgment from my family.

Don’t be. You’re mental health is what you should be focusing on, not what people think. Trust me, their judgment means nothing and is only a reflection of their own ignorance and fears. In the end, this is about you, not them.

@Hiraeth

if you met me, you would think that I had my life altogether.

I think most of us feel like this. I have friends who have no clue that I have multiple mental disorders lol. My x-in-laws had no clue I had been a drug addict the whole 17ish years I was married. Then, I have friends that know everything about me. It’s just what we do to protect ourselves. It’s normal.

I hope you find your peace

[Ashwell]

Hi Hiraeth
Thank you for sharing such a sensitive and triggering topic with us. What happened to you is just horrible. The person who did this to you is a fucking batsard. He should be the one police chases not eccepts as a member! I am so sorry you had to go through such a horrible thing. I know it is very difficult for you to talk about but I dont think you have to be afraid of being judged by your husband. You dont have to tell him in detail you can just tell him what happened in a few sentences so he knows the core of the story. I think you should prepare together a place where you feel comfortable telling him. He does not what to hurt you and wants to know what causes you pain so he does not bring you any. Tell him it is hard for you so you might not tell him the whole story but you will try. It will be painful but it will be better for you and for him. It will allow you to move on from your past. Dont allow that terrible person to stand in the way of your happiness. He cant take it no longer. You have found somebody so much better than him a person that truly loves you and stands by your side. Stay strong. You deserve to be happy.

[Hiraeth]

Thank you for your words of encouragement. My first step needs to be finding a way to stop my pessimistic mindset when it comes to my thoughts and fears about therapy. I’m standing in my own way of being happy.

[Hiraeth]

Thank you for taking the time to reply and share your words of encouragement. I have such a hard time opening my mouth to talk about normal everyday things, so it makes it that much harder to open up about things that are burdening me deep down. I’m trying though.
Now, maybe I should post this in a separate journal entry so I apologize is this is random and unexpected. I don’t expect a response, but this is fresh on my mind today.
This morning my husband and I were discussing a tv series we had watched together, and I mentioned in a roundabout way that I thought that the main character seemed all too normal and happy for having had such a traumatic experience - they basically glossed over that and did not show any triggers, or setbacks or whatever (like I experience now even after all these years) Yet the tv series showed another character who had a separate traumatic experience and they were showing how it still affected them and they were dealing with dissociative episodes and self destructive behavior. And I just wondered why they would show that for one character but not the main character. So I voiced that to my husband, when in actuality I was hinting that I am still dealing with stuff after all of these years. Thinking that this might be a roundabout way for me to open up and start a discussion about my own mental health… But he kind of shut me down pretty much immediately by saying that what that character went through was so long ago - there’s no excuse for them to still have ptsd from whatever they went through back then as they’ve probably moved on and got over it.
I was stunned after that so I shut up.
Maybe I took offense too easily, and maybe if he had known it was me that I was referring to he wouldn’t have been so harsh. But… It still really hurt me and scared me from opening up any more. I kind of think now that maybe he won’t understand. I’m afraid now that maybe he thinks I should be over it by now too, and that there’s no excuse for me to still have these flashbacks or depressive setbacks.
Just tired of being scared I guess.

[Ashwell]

Well the thing about traumatic experiences is that people who had never went through anything traumatic don’t really understand what it is like. Somebody who had got proper counceling and support recover quicker than a person that has been keeping it all to themselves. The point of recovery does not start from a the moment that event happened to you but from the moment you have started the healing process.

In today’s cinema we see people recover from bullet wounds like if they were paper cuts. One episode a character is shot and another the move and act like nothing had happened. The same goes for mental wounds on tv. We see these unrealistic examples and think that is what it must look like in real life but it does not. Your point of true healing has yet to start so don’t beat yourself up ok. Try expressing your feelings to your husband. Communication is key.

[Sita]

Hi again, this will be a long reply, because I like to break it up into parts so I can chat about parts a bit easier!

@Hiraeth

But I’m also afraid of judgment from my family.

I get coming from a small place and worrying about things getting back. These are rules and laws to protect you, I’d suggest getting confidentiality agreement in writing at the beginning, explain to the therapist your concerns, They can lose their jobs or be held responsible for breaching their rules.

I get the fear of being judged. It is sad that we have to worry about these things while trying to feel better. I’m sorry that your family was not the best or most supportive, but I’m glad you’ve managed to excel and progress even after all the horrors you’ve experienced.

@Hiraeth

I do really love nature and consider it my safe space.

I suspected this because I get it!

@Hiraeth

I’m sure couples therapy could do us some good as well,

always a good idea if you think it can help, but it may bring up your own issues too. Being open and honest is required for bet results, and it will provide you a safe space to explore both your issues.

@Hiraeth

coming from a violent home and also past relationship, any kind of anger sends me into a panic

sadly, I think you’re not alone in this. I believe this has become second nature for anyone who’s experienced certain things growing up. Anger is a whole topic in itself, and in this case, your husband would be justifiably angry indeed.

@Hiraeth

What’s so weird to me is that if you met me, you would think that I had my life altogether.

Not the slightest bit weird.

@Hiraeth

but inside I’m just this shriveled alcoholic mess of a girl who can’t ever truly be free from the memories and the damage he caused so long ago.

You are more than your traumas.
Your worth is more than just ‘surviving’ your traumas.
You are a wonderful person capable of so much. Nothing that has happened to you will ever change that or your worth.

You are not a failure. You have been through a horrible violation, but you have survived it and you have accomplished much while fighting this pain silently and quietly
Trauma is a bastard - it sneaks up on you when you least expect.

It can get better, I am hopeful. I am hoping that through therapy or some form of assistance, you can look at yourself and see your value is high, and that what that horrible person did was HIS FAULT, HIS Doing, HIS SHAME.

I can’t tell you how brave you are, even if you don’t feel that way. I can’t tell you how inspiring you are to many who have never been able to type and share the words you did, for showing them that it’s okay.

@Hiraeth

a girl who can’t ever truly be free

Let’s work on changing this. You were innocent. You didn’t invite or deserve what happened to you. In your mind, you need to be able to see that you as a person did not lose anything in terms of your value or worth, or your deserving love and security and all good things.

Wishing you peace and confidence, friend. We’re her for you.