*WARNING: If anyone is sensitive to anything related to self harm and/or suicide ideation…PLEASE DO NOT READ.
I CONTEMPLATED suicide on my 28th BIRTHDAY all day yesterday. I couldnt stop thinking about it. I turned 28. 28 years in existence and im still here. Why am I still here? HOW am I still here? I’ve experienced depression and suicidal ideation for a long time. I’ve self harmed in the past: Self-hit several times as kid and as an adult (2 and a half year’s clean since last action). Do I still get strong urges to self-hit? YES, every now and then. Have I had suicidal thoughts? DEFINITELY. Do I actually want to take my own life? NO. Have I considered it? YES; numerous times throughout my life, but Im honestly way too scared to do it and I never made any solid plans or commitments to carry it out.
I just feel TRAPPED… Trapped in this “Comfort Zone” that I find myself in. It’s kept me STUCK in IDLE for a very long time. I can’t seem to get out of it. I’m currently unemployed; I FAILED college and had to leave for mental health reasons; I live with my mom (currently a widow), and im on disability (I have Spina Bifida and hydrocephalus). Ive been to therapy a couple of times; once for grief counseling after my dad’s passing and the second time was a solo session where I first addressed my mental health issues. It’s been about 10 months since my last session…
I think I need to go back…I dont feel right.
NOTE: It’s 2:32 AM (Thursday) as Im finishing this post. This post isn’t meant to be structured nice and neat. Everything I’ve put out onto this post relates to what I’ve been feeling on Oct. 23rd. and random thoughts I wanted to get out).