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My relationship sucks

I’ve been really down lately. We’re not married, but we’ve been together for 5 years. (29F, 28M)The last three years of my life have been lonely and depressing. I don’t do any of the things I used to like doing.

We’re basically room mates at this point. I hate it. She barely talks to me. She doesn’t say good night, she just goes to bed. When I come home (she works much shorter days than me) she says nothing. She is very unhappy with her job, always complains how much she hates it. She says it’s repetitive (science lab). She’s got a PhD and regrets the time put into it. She resents me for having a 2 year degree and being “happy” with my job (I’m not).

If I bring up my problems they just aren’t as big as hers and are not important, and fuck me for even bringing them up! Don’t I know that someone cut her off on the highway today?! How could I be so wrong?! Doesn’t matter that I feel like I want to kill myself on a regular basis.

Why don’t I end it? Probably because I am so very close to the edge that any further trauma would push me over. I don’t know how to fix it. I want to tell her that I don’t see a point to this relationship and that she needs to change. I don’t know how to word it, or if I even care. I wanted to have kids someday, but I do not want to be her partner.

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Sorry to hear man. Communication is definitely necessary but it takes both sides. You can’t be the only one putting in effort. Just try and communicate how you feel and your needs and ask her to do the same. Will be praying

Job burnout definitely contributes to burnout at home. Her hating her job and regretting all the time she put into getting there has got to be really hard on her. She sounds miserable. However, that doesn’t absolve her from putting in effort at home. or at the very least being decent.

Like @Fullthrottle777 said, communication is important, even when it’s unpleasant. Sit her down and calmly express to her that you feel like she’s checked out of the relationship, and how it’s hurting you. Now is not the time for getting defensive and starting an argument. She may feel attacked and lash out, but keep calm and stick to your message. A good time-out phrase I heard recently is to tell her “I’m not your enemy.” I’d hope all of this would help her consider what effect her attitude is having on your relationship. It’s not a matter of who had the worse day here. Your relationship isn’t in contest with anything else, and can only fail from the inside out.

Relationship conflicts aren’t won by being right, they’re won by being humble (even if you are right :smirk:). Say your piece and give it a little time to sink in. Maybe go stay with friends or family for a little while, not out of spite, but to give her time and space to think. That will also show her what life at home would be like without you. If after all that she doesn’t want to put anything more into the relationship, it may be time to move on. Five years is a long time to walk away and start over. It will hurt and it will feel foreign and you will miss the comfortable rut you were in, but there is no reason to doom yourself to a life of misery when you still have a chance to get out.

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