My secrets

I feel trapped my ex boyfriend and his family put spy apps and camera and listening and even tried to access my health information. For years even his mom and brother. I feel weak because i never told them or stood up for myself. I made up stuff and did stuff for them to see thinking I could push them to tell what they were doing to confront me. The more they didn’t the more i did thr more i troed to fgove them what they wanted. I was too scared at first because i knew my boyfriend at the time would never take my side and i would lose. Thrn after when we was doing it i was so scared of him Everytime he would rage of i brought anything he did up evennif it was small. He would call me names and say im crazy. I knew i would lose him if i told him i knew everything he did and was doing. I knoew he never admit and he just leave me. I am so weak all i did was let allt his happen because even if they thought i was awful somehow ot was better then not having him at all. Its that so pathetic of me? I still suffer i want to tell him that i know what they all did and always knew and i made up things to have them come out with it. Instead of me having to confront them. I eish i could say i know what you did and explain everything and proove everything but i know that wont change anything. They don’t ever want to admit anything because me being crazy is easier thean admitting they were wrongnd all the awfult hings they did. Now all im left with is trauma from it all i didn’t realize how horrible it was. I feel somewhat to blame because i played their game. I feel trapped. Even now after he left me i want to say i know what you did here is proof that you all created lies in your head and i helped but it will only lead to screaming and being told im insane. I do have proof and i have a ex boss that was with national defense and he is the one that helped me from the atart he got the names and ip address of people who bought the app. Cards everything. He would help me press charges and his name is very strong as trusted cival servant. What’s wrong with me that i still love this person? That i live with this on my heart and I don’t press charges on him or people responsible. Because im afraid ill lose him forever even though hes already gone. So i am already crazy i guess. I feel trapped in ym oen head. Im always worried now someone is watching me even if i dont live there anynore. I feel like bringing my laptop and phone in again but i know of my ex boss saw anything more he would himself report it even without me. I don’t think its still happening but its still in my head. Also i feel what i did brought him to cheat on me like tis my fault but i know its not. Because of whatever his abuse did to me i never did that to him. So i know in my heart no one can make you cheat on someone thats his choice. I feel ungly and trapped in a mess but i also feel violated to every meaning of that word. Idk what to do. I know i should press changes and walk away and stabd up for myself finally and show the world the truth. Im just too scared. So i cry and cry and thata all i can do. I don’t feel there is an escape from this pain and torture.

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Trying to show the world the truth at this time is a waste of energy. Focus on your own mental health and healing. You don’t need to be afraid of losing him forever, because of losing him forever is the best thing that can happen. There is a strange mental dynamic that happens sometimes in abusive relationships, where the victim believes they have love for the abuser. It’s not really love. It’s emotional addiction, and it may linger for a while. You need to remind yourself that it’s a symptom of abuse, rather than actual love.

I think you would feel better if you did a “factory reset” on your phone. It would remove any tracking software that may be on it.

If pressing charges prevents you from walking away, you should walk away without pressing charges. If you can do both press charges and walk away, that might be the thing to do.

You need to spend time with a therapist, and hopefully find a support group.

Do what is necessary to be safe.

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I am so sorry that you had to endure such trauma, in what was supposed to be a safe relationship. Being subjected to abuse of various types over a period of time can lead you to think you were somehow to blame. WRONG! You deserve to be loved and respected. It take a while to break free and it will be a process, but it can be done! I hope you get support in your journey because you are worthy of being safe, feeling secure. Cheering for you, friend. Glad you’re physically free of those people. Time to work on banishing them from your mind, and be rid of them :slight_smile:

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