My senior thesis is due next week and I can't force myself to work

The work isn’t hard. I enjoy my thesis concept and have had overall positive feedback from teachers and students. I have the technical skills to pull it off. I just don’t. I can’t look at it without feeling like throwing up, the thought of touching it makes me want to bash my head into a brick wall. It’s not hard work, I should be enjoying it but all I do is sit at my computer and cry and write dumb posts like these that ultimately leave me feeling even more lost and useless.

Nothing works. I’ve spoken to 4 different therapists, I take medication to help with my ADHD, depression, and anxiety and while that at least has helped, I think this is ultimately me at my best and thats depressing. I even contacted a support chat line and she hung up on me midway through me typing something after being clearly fed up. I’m not a sympathetic person, I’m just a waste of other people’s time, energy, and money and I don’t know if I have enough time left to be anything else. The only two people I can even call friends in my life all have it worse than me and have told me point blank there’s nothing they can do to help. So I’m alone.

I know about the pomodoro method, about meditation, grounding exercises, breaking tasks into tinier tasks. I try to find a good work environment and set timers and all. But when I’m like this none of that feels possible, I just want to stop existing and shut down entirely rather than limp through this farce of a life doing the bare minimum. But this is it. The final hour of my four years has built to this project and I’m sitting here on virtual pet sites and writing some incomprehensible useless text wall instead of doing easy fun work!

I just wish there was something that would just snap me out of it, some sort of miracle that would finally make things click and get through my thick skull but I think it’s just down to me. And im not enough. I’m so overwhelmed by even the simplest tasks. I don’t want tomorrow to come. I don’t want to disappoint everyone again. I still need to make my resume and apply to jobs, I review them for a living but can’t make my own. I should have done it yesterday. Why is everything so hard now? Why am I this useless? I swear I’m getting only more brain dead and idiotic as the years pass. I just want to know how to “just do it”. I hate that phrase. I hate myself. Self positivity only feels like lying. Like I know I’m not the worst person ever and that I have good traits, but they’re vastly eclipsed and rendered near useless by the bad and when I do pep myself up all that happens is I get overconfident and put things off more. It’s either being buried under layers of distractions or I overthink everything and it just makes things worse but I can’t shut my brain off and I waste even more time doing so. I’m sorry I dropped this garbage on y’all. Sorry for wasting your time too. Hope you all get through your stuggles, I know it’s tough for everyone and this is a problem of entirely my own making.

4 Likes

Hey friend,

First of all, welcome to HeartSupport. I am glad you have found your way here. I wanted to emphasize that you are not alone. I understand what you are going through to an extent. I am a college student trying to wrap up my own semester and I also struggle to focus. Except for me, I don’t have ADHD, so my doctors don’t know where my inattentiveness is coming from. I am on medications that help a little bit, but I certainly relate to the feeling of not if I have reached my best potential.

It sucks. I know it does. I wish I had the answer for you. You sound like a very self aware person and I know that that is a blessing and a curse. But you aren’t a loser. You are not a waste of my time or anyone else’s. You are not an idiot. College is fucking hard. Give yourself some grace and do the best you can. You are also doing school in the middle of a pandemic that only makes things 10x harder. The fact that you made it this far is certainly something to celebrate.

I am trying to write a paper myself and it is super hard to get motivated. It isn’t as big as a thesis, but it is very important. And I honestly just do what I can. Its not a perfect system, but I can only give what I am feeling that day and it is not the end of the world if I don’t make it 100%. I know a senior thesis is a big deal, but the only thing you can do is to do the best you can.

Keep us posted. Hold fast, my friend. We believe in you

1 Like

Dude, I’m actually kinda in the same boat. I’m also working on my senior paper as well, and while I really like my topic, I hate sitting down and working on it. I sometimes feel sick to my stomach firing up my laptop to work on it. And it’s hard because you’re so close to the end and should be looking forward to the future, but applying for jobs seems useless if you can’t pass the thesis. It’s ok to take things one at a time and focus on finishing school first. I don’t know how it would work for you, but I know for me listening to streams or something to distract me from the emotions in the moment helps me have better focus on the actual work. I also highly suggest going to your advisor or whoever is overseeing your thesis. They may be able to help out or offer an extension if need be.
You got this.

1 Like

Hey @loseridiot, @Skava0127, @beth_the_fake_ginger,

I know that it’s really, really tough to write a paper or a thesis as a student, and I can barely imagine how it’s been for you guys to handle this during a pandemic. I truly respect and admire what you’re doing right now.

I just wanted to say that you got this, friends. The last straight line is honestly the hardest one. When I was a student and was writing my thesis, I was struggling so much with a freezing state that I didn’t understand. I was SO frustrated for being like this, yet bashing myself was counterproductive too. I saw myself losing so much time and being more and more stressed. I think a huge part was due to the perspective of having to find a job after it, which holds a whole different lot of fears and anxiety too. In the end though, I think I was so fed up for feeling constantly drained and overwhelmed that the perspective of getting rid of this thesis became my only motivation. Was definitely a mindset of: “f*ck I didn’t go that far to end with having to redo it again next year”. The perspective of putting this task behind me, whatever may come after, became some kind of motivation too, just because of how it made me feel.

I know we all function differently and I wish I could come with a better advice than the following one, but: be gentle with yourself. Be compassionate with yourself. And take care of yourself, as much as possible. I know that sounds cheesy, but honestly writing a paper like that is a freaking messy process, like an initiation ritual. But I believe in you. You’ll get there. You’ll crush it! And if will be SO GOOD for you to embrace the relief that you’ll feel afterwards. At this point what matters is just to have a decent work that will prevent you to have to do it again. No need to aim perfection, especially since a decent work that would still be evaluated is better that not delivering any work at all. Later you’ll also have to defend your work in front of someone, and that time is also part of your grades, yet it’s another opportunity to show that you have a thoughtful and mature way to perceive your own work.

If you came that far, it’s because you have the skills, knowledge and capacity to do it. I was crazy enough to do that twice for two different graduations, yet I’m a very anxious and depressed bean. If I could do it, you can definitely do it guys. You have what it takes. You.got.this.

Be gentle with yourself along this process. Take care of you, of your body, of your mind, even just through small breaks to spend breathing or walking in nature. Those are really precious. :hrtlegolove:

Sending love and positive vibes. :hrtlegolove:

1 Like

This topic was automatically closed after 365 days. New replies are no longer allowed.