The work isn’t hard. I enjoy my thesis concept and have had overall positive feedback from teachers and students. I have the technical skills to pull it off. I just don’t. I can’t look at it without feeling like throwing up, the thought of touching it makes me want to bash my head into a brick wall. It’s not hard work, I should be enjoying it but all I do is sit at my computer and cry and write dumb posts like these that ultimately leave me feeling even more lost and useless.
Nothing works. I’ve spoken to 4 different therapists, I take medication to help with my ADHD, depression, and anxiety and while that at least has helped, I think this is ultimately me at my best and thats depressing. I even contacted a support chat line and she hung up on me midway through me typing something after being clearly fed up. I’m not a sympathetic person, I’m just a waste of other people’s time, energy, and money and I don’t know if I have enough time left to be anything else. The only two people I can even call friends in my life all have it worse than me and have told me point blank there’s nothing they can do to help. So I’m alone.
I know about the pomodoro method, about meditation, grounding exercises, breaking tasks into tinier tasks. I try to find a good work environment and set timers and all. But when I’m like this none of that feels possible, I just want to stop existing and shut down entirely rather than limp through this farce of a life doing the bare minimum. But this is it. The final hour of my four years has built to this project and I’m sitting here on virtual pet sites and writing some incomprehensible useless text wall instead of doing easy fun work!
I just wish there was something that would just snap me out of it, some sort of miracle that would finally make things click and get through my thick skull but I think it’s just down to me. And im not enough. I’m so overwhelmed by even the simplest tasks. I don’t want tomorrow to come. I don’t want to disappoint everyone again. I still need to make my resume and apply to jobs, I review them for a living but can’t make my own. I should have done it yesterday. Why is everything so hard now? Why am I this useless? I swear I’m getting only more brain dead and idiotic as the years pass. I just want to know how to “just do it”. I hate that phrase. I hate myself. Self positivity only feels like lying. Like I know I’m not the worst person ever and that I have good traits, but they’re vastly eclipsed and rendered near useless by the bad and when I do pep myself up all that happens is I get overconfident and put things off more. It’s either being buried under layers of distractions or I overthink everything and it just makes things worse but I can’t shut my brain off and I waste even more time doing so. I’m sorry I dropped this garbage on y’all. Sorry for wasting your time too. Hope you all get through your stuggles, I know it’s tough for everyone and this is a problem of entirely my own making.